TheTrooper97 on Poker and Such

YOUTUBE CHANNEL

2012-01-26T18:49:00.004-05:00

Just wanted to make everyone aware that I started a new Youtube channel where I'm regularly vlogging. The name of the channel is TheTrooper97Vlog and it can be found here... http://www.youtube.com/thetrooper97vlog.

The first few video's follow my friend Harry and I to Biloxi, MS to the Million Dollar Heater tournament series where we slaughter single table satellites for over $10K. Hopefully you'll find the videos entertaining. I intend to continue to vlog and maybe give everyone a few laughs in the process!!!

Please subscribe to the channel and leave comments and "like" the videos. I really appreciate it!

Death to Vision

2011-06-20T16:28:00.000-04:00

When I'm in Vegas, it's difficult for me to relax. I had to argue with myself just to take this seat at Starbucks at Rio and jot down this quick update. It's actually taken about six minutes just to come up with the first two sentences and I haven't even said shit yet. My mind races and there are hands being dealt and I'm not being dealt one.

If you follow my twitter (I know... who would?), you know that my luggage didn't arrive in Vegas when I did. Vision airlines. I mean, who the fuck is VISION AIRLINES?? Well, they fly out of Gvegas two days a week and I happened to want to leave on one of those days. So for $229 one way plus $15 to check said luggage (ironic?), they left my bag in Destin Florida. I was in Vegas for two full days wearing the same socks, underwear, everything. I was miserable. I was on life tilt and I argued and yelled at Vision Airlines the whole time. It's pretty hard to focus on poker with all that going on. I don't tilt much at the table, but life tilt is something that I ave no control over.

I'm down a little. I played at the Rio for the first four days as I was staying here and then on the fifth night I stayed at the Flaming and played at Aria. Those five nights were comped through Harrah's and then I went downtown and paid to stay at the Golden Gate. The room was tiny and was more suitable for drugs and hookers, but I only slept there. I played the uncapped 1-2 game at the Golden Nugget all weekeend and ran like total shit. I flopped two pair about fifty time just to be called down and rivered. Whaa, whaa... I know. I'm just saying, I'm down a little. I love downtown though. I'm over it for now, but I do love it.

I'm back at the Rio today. The next four nights are comped again and I intend to keep fighting the fight. It takes me a few days to get on track here anyway, especially with sleep. I feel pretty good right now and as usual, typing this stuff out is theraputic, like a massage. I'm gonna go grab a seat in a 2-5 game and then later I may travel over to Aria where, by the way, I had my best session so far this trip with an win of $1100. I need to get some chips and hold on to them for a few days and we'll be on track.

I Have the Ace of Spades

2011-06-08T13:53:00.000-04:00

Alright, my apologies for taking so long to post again. Clearly, I'm not dying. My liver, kidneys, heart, blood sugar, urine and everything else is fine. We're gonna check the thyroid thing again in a couple months but we're not too worried about it for now. The only thing that appears to be wrong is the rheumatology. Aparently I have either rheumatoid arthritis or psoriatic arthritis. Either way, I may have to take disease altering drugs from now to eternity. I have to see a rheumatologist first so that's all I know for now.

Vegas. It would appear that I've decided to go to Vegas during the WSOP. In fact, barring something hideous happening today or tomorrow, I'll be flying out Sunday. I'm going mainly to play 2-5 cash at the Rio, but there will be a few tournies sprinkled in. I'm sure I'll play a few single table satellites and there may be a tourny at the Venetian or the Golden Nugget I'll play. But primarily I'll have my head down, focusing on the cash games.

This week seems to be getting back to normal in Jacksonville. I was here for two full weeks leading up to last weekend and I was only able to make up the $800 I was behind from the week before, and cover $900 in hotel costs. Don't get me wrong, it's hard to complain about being even, but this week I've paid for the hotel and I'm up about $850. I have today and thursday to play and then I'm going with a couple guys to Cherokee on friday. It would appear the weekend 2-5 game has been out of control there so I have to go smack it down.

In the midst of my previous two week battle, I had my single biggest daily loss in Florida, downticking $1626. I wasn't too happy about that and decided to hit the other room the next night. I haven't been to St. Johns Greyhound Track in about two and a half months so I decoded to switch it up. I played a pretty interesting hand there.

I was in seat 2 and the villain was in seat 9. He had about $1050 in his stack and I had about $1200. He liked to put in piles of chips on flush draws and he was having a few drinks. That's about all I knew of him. He straddled and I called the $10 with 55. A couple others called and villain raised $60 more. Having watched him play and hoping to build a monster if I mined out another 5, I called. The button called as well. The pot held $220 when the flop showed up Js5s4s; not the perfect flop but workable. Villain led out for $60, I raised to $220, the button folded, and the villain wasted no time catapulting $160 more into the pot bringing the total to $660 and fulfilling my hope for a big one.

The turn brought a red 3 and the villain checked. I still had $900 in front of me and he still had $750. "Three," I said, sliding three stacks of red into the middle as the agony twisted the villains face. God, he didn't want to put in $300, but damn if he wanted to fold his hand. I figured he had the As and he said something about pocket aces as he tanked for a record time. During his dilberation, we conversed in a friendly manner. I was coming off a big loser from the night before and I didn't want to lose this pot, but torn, I also wanted him to stick $300 more into this monster. I decided to find out if he did have the As and so, being clever, I said, "I have the ace of spades." "Oh really," he said sarcasticly and made a horrid mistake, picking up the As and SHOWING IT TO ME, thereby squashing any doubt I may have had and most importantly, killing ANY FURTHER ACTION he may have gotten if he hit a spade or a deuce on the river! I still wasn't sure of his second card, but having him show me was a beautiful thing. But that wasn't the only screw I drilled into this kids mind.

After what seemed like a month in the tank, villain obliged me with a $300 call. Here's where my next clever act would come. As the dealer was pulling in the $300's, I asked villain, "You checking the river dark?" Go ahead, ask me if it worked... IT DID!! This guy checked dark and protected me from an ace hitting the river! He already killed himself by confirming the As and now, if another ace hits the river, I'm not putting another dollar into the pot. If he doesn't check dark, and an ace hits, and he bets, I'm calling. The pot was $1260 and he had $450 left. But now, he's given up all he had. And the best news of all, the river pairs another 4. I bet it all and he actually thinks he may still be good. It was then that I realized that he must indeed have pocket aces. He finally did one thing right and folded. He showed me pocket aces. It sure is fun stacking a $1260 pot.

Aside from mind fucking that kid, I was beginning to question myself last week. I suppose that's normal when things aren't going as well as they once were. It lasted a couple weeks and I'm back on track now. I got pretty unlucky last night and found myself in the game for $1600, but managed to grind it back for a minor loss of $155. My 2-5 sample size is getting bigger now with 418 hours recorded. My hourly is still $51.74, even after that ugly downspike in the graph. My confidence is back this week and next week I'll be taking that confidence 2100 miles from here.

Rio, be prepared.

Diagnosis... Almost

2011-05-30T15:47:00.000-04:00

I just heard something crappy. Somebody snatched the tip jar from this Starbucks last week. How scummy. It was some fifteen year old kid from what I'm hearing. I suppose he's just one of many fifteen year olds that need the crap kicked out of them.

So I went to the doctor ten days ago as I said I would and it was not as scary as I thought. He asked me some questions and such and I liked the guy. He had a good personality for a doctor and I feel like he's competent. He seemed to have the same suspicion of psoriatic arthritis. He suggested that I take more ibuprophen and he ordered some blood tests and another urine analysis. So monday, I went to a place that offers a 30% discount to the uninsured and still had to fork over $400 to have quite a few tests done. The lady stuck me with a couple needles and I peed in a cup. Then, a few days later, I got a call from the doctor's office just to be informed of some issues. Supposedly, my CRP (C-reactive protien) is elevated, thyroid is borderline (not sure if it's borderline high or low), and the rheumatology test was positive, at least I think that's how she put it.

I have an appointment to see the doc tomorrow to discuss the results of the tests but I have googled these things a bit. The elevated CRP indicates inflammation throughout the body. Obviously the rheumatolgy refers to arthritis which in my case would be an inflammitory type, if it is related to psoriasis. I'm not sure what the thyroid thing is about. Tomorrow, we'll discuss results and treatment. I'm worried, but I'm ready to get it over with.

I've had a mediocre week with poker. I'm up, but I've barely covered the $800 make up and the hotel for two weeks. That's not bad really, I just need to run well up into the black over the next four days. That shouldn't be a problem. I just haven't found many good spots and I'm having trouble fading draws. Had I faded a naked flush draw for an $1100 pot a few days ago, we'd be looking much better. "I tried to make it look like a set," the guy said after I called $350 on the turn and the river produced his card. "It didn't." was my only reply.

I'll be playing through thursday and then friday morning I'll be driving back to columbia, SC to witness something amazing. Drew will be graduating high school that day. How is that possible? I'm just a kid myself!

Dying in Pain

2011-05-20T13:19:00.002-04:00

It's Friday morning, or afternoon if you're a normal person. I'm grabbing a coffee before my first real doctor visit in twenty years. Yes, twenty years. I haven't had a check up since I was eighteen; it was for a job. I mean, I went to the ER when I cracked my elbow, but that doesn't count. Lately I've had some pretty crazy pain in my legs, mostly the joints, and now my ankles have been swolen for a week and a half. When I wake up every day, I can barely stand up. Who knows what's wrong; hart failure, kidney failure, blood clots from sitting my ass at a poker table everyday, poor circulation, who knows... well, I guess WE'LL know after today. Oh, and apparently, according to a urine analysis at an Urgent Care facility I visited after the initial panic of having my ankles sweel up like an elephant's, there's protien and bilirubin in my pee. These idicate not-so-perfectly functioning kidneys and liver. WTF? See why I'm panicked?

Enough about the fact that I'm on my deathbed, or death-Starbuck's-chair, on to poker. There's not too much to tell. This week was a bit crappy due to starting out at 5-10. Don't get me wrong, the game is soft. I just happened to be card-dead and the game, both monday and tuesday, sucked ass. They were the slowest games ever and there seemed to be a whirlwind of unfocus and confuson swirling the table. They couldn't keep the seats filled and running a must-move seems beyond the floor's comprehension. The players were more concerned about filling the one open seat than playing hands. Players get on the list and then don't want to play when they're called. I can't explain what sucked so bad. I guess it's because 5-10 is normally the biggest game in the room. After two days and a downtick of $1200, I went back to my bread and butter, 2-5.

Wednesday night I played eight hours and scooped up $672. The goal last night was to grab the rest of what I lost at 5-10 and make up the hotel for the week at least. No such luck as I battled all night, downswinging to -$400, upswinging back to +$600, downswinging back to -$600, and then finishing +$215. I flopped AdKhQh holding AhJh against a guy who didn't even know what the "turn"was. That costed me 500 smackers. Then I turned the nut straight with T7 on a 5896 board. Guy bet $15, I popped to $40, and a crazy, old asian lady re-popped to $215. $215!!! Guy folded, and I shoved and the lady put her last $180 or so in with a lonely 7. What a roller coaster of a night.

My hourly is staying strong at $57.12 over the last 326.2 hours. I like that much. I just need more hours. I've found that the earlier I get in the room, the bigger my stack grows by the end of the night. I'm trying to work hard, I really am. I have an enourmous amount of stress. One non-poker-related life-stress that I've been dealing with for the last two years has reached epic level in recent weeks. Thing that have never happened in my life have happened. I think the stress has caused this health problem, whatever it may be, to openly present itself. For all I know, that may be a good thing. I don't drink, smoke or use any drugs, but I am NOT the healthiest person. I'm scared to go to the doctor, but I will go. And in case anyone cares whether I live or die, I'll report back here.

The sick part about all the life-stress is that part of me feels that I deserve it. I think that, for most of my life, I've felt that I don't deserve to be happy. I thought I was getting past that, but maybe I'm not. I am still trying though, and the fact that I'm allowing myself to be dedicated and work hard at poker and make money is evidence that I AM trying.

So long as they don't rush me into emergency surgery, I'll keep posted on the health issue. And if that wacko is right and Jesus comes back tomorrow (right), it won't matter!

Gone through days without talking
There is a comfort in silence
So used to losing all ambition
Struggling to maintain what's left

Once undone, there's only smoke
Burning in my eyes to blind
To cover up what really happened
Force the darkness onto me

There is a wound that's always bleeding
There is a road I'm alwasy walking
And I know you'll never return to this place...

Five-Tensies

2011-05-02T16:54:00.000-04:00

Wow, I'm sitting in front of my laptop and it is not acting like a retarded monkey. That's because I FINALLY bought a new one! I'm a little excited about it. I didn't go overboard, just got what I needed. It's modest but it's brand spanking new. I feel confident that it's not about to burst into flames and I haven't felt that in a long time.

It's Monday and I'm still in Greenville. I decided to take an extra day this week and rest, but don't you worry, I'll be back in Jacksonville shortly. I had a record week last week, ending with my first 5-10 no-limit session.

I walked into the poker room friday evening about 7:00pm. There were about 8 names on the 5-10 list so I sat 2-5 for about thirty minutes until they started a new game. When they called for the new 5-10 game, I was up $109. I walked over to table 13 and sat in seat 7 with $509.

The game started and I was a little more selective than usual about limping preflop. I went straight into recon mode and studied who was at the table. Immediately I took note of seat 4. He was an older asian man and who did not hesitated to put in stacks with just about any two cards. Bottom pair, gutshot draws, overs, it just didn't seem to matter to him. Seat 5 was a good player I'd begun associating with over the last couple of weeks and my intention was to avoid him. Seat one's biceps were a bit to large for the rest of him, including his game. He talked as if he plays higher stakes and of course he thinks he's good. He's not. Seat 2 thought he was Phil Laak. He wasn't. Seat 6 seemed to still be in first grade, poker wise. He played weak and got punished for it. Seat 4 was tight and seat 8, on my left, was the most aggressive player at the table. I watched him as he ran his stack up into the 4K range bur really didn't get to see enough from him. There will be for time for that in the future.

I really just played tight pre-flop and tried to give myself time to feel the effects of the higher blinds. Some of these guys were opening to $120 and $70-$100 seemed standard. They wanted to make big pots. I still had slightly more than $500 when seat 3 raised pre to $40. Two guys called and I called from the SB with 7c6c. Seat 1 called and we saw the flop five ways. 762 with two hearts fell onto the board and I led straight out for $150. Seat 1 called and 3 and 4 folded. The action reached seat 5 and having me covered, he shoved. I called right behind him and seat 1, to my surprise, called as well. The turn brought the Ac, the river the 4c and I turned up my two pair. Once again surprised, I drug the $1590 main pot. A small side pot went to seat 1 who held Kh6h and seat 5 showed down QhJh.

Since this was friday night, and I was scheduled to get up the next morning and drive back to SC to deal poker all night, I was planning to leave early. Three and a half hours after my first 5-10 hand, I bailed out with an uptick of $1146. Add that to the $109 I picked up at 2-5 and $1255 was a great total to add to my already record-breaking week. Let's hope the upticking continues.

This week I'm planning to skip the SC game on saturday night. I've never stayed in Jacksonville through the weekend so I'm interested to find out what the games are like. I'd like to get a nice start to the week and maybe get back at the 5-10 by saturday but I don't make solid plans and just go with the flow. That works so let's just wait and see...

Life's a Beach

2011-04-27T13:04:00.009-04:00

I'm staying a little closer to the beach this week, maybe a mile off the sand itself. That sand would be on the north end of the Jacksonville beaches, properly called Atlantic Beach, or maybe Neptune Beach. One of those. There's a Starbucks about a block from the sand. It only has a drive through and a patio with a walk-up window. I like it. I'm there now...

There's a woman working at the front desk of my hotel. She's blonde. She's European, or maybe Russian. She's about 45. She has large, fake boobs. She speaks english but she pauses before responding, as if her processor is lagging. Every time I step from the elevator and walk by, she looks at me with a seemingly sarcastic smile and she appears to be considering kidnapping me, ordering me to my room, sexually assaulting me to her satisfaction, and then ripping my head off and leaving it on the bathroom floor. She appears to be a predator. I could do without the decapitation.

My laptop has dementia. It seems to be dying from the inside. It is on its last leg and I just may violently put it out of its misery. I should probably wait until I buy a new one. That will be happening shortly.

People are getting to know me at The Poker Room at Orange Park. I don't necessarily like that. They say things like, "Welcome back" when I walk in on Sunday evenings because they know I just drove back from SC. They yell at me from two tables away and ask if I'm "causing trouble" when the floor is making a drawn-out decision at my table. They know my name and I know theirs; Alan, Alan, Eric, Jerry, etc. I took it easy on one of them the other day and that goes against everything I believe in. He did check the turn to me and let me hit my straight flush for free to crack his aces. I still won a decent amount in that pot. Maybe I don't mind getting to know a few of them, they seem like nice enough guys. But they should be advised, I want their stacks.

I seem to be maintaining my win rate. I now have 236.5 hours logged at 2-5 and my hourly rate is $47.73. It swings between $44 and $49. I mentioned an hourly in my last post, but that included two weeks of 2-2 nlh. I realize as well as anyone that this sample is small. I worry that I won't maintain while remaining hopeful that I will. I buy in a little short each day at $300 and I wonder if my rate would improve if I sat with $500. I'm not sure that it would make a huge difference, but as my roll grows, my buy-in will grow.

I feel a little lost in other areas of life, but my head is in the game. I'm making money. I'm dedicated as I've now driven to Florida for ten straight weeks while returning each Saturday to deal the SC game. I am tired as shit, have been for about 2 weeks, but I just keep plugging along. I'm relaxing a little during the daytime hours today and maybe I'll move myself from this chair and out onto the beach. Maybe I'll lie down on the sand for a bit, listen to some waves. I did finish up early last night and get into bed at around midnight, but I didn't sleep well at all. When I'm not at the poker table, things are disrupting my ability to rest. Mabe it's the uncomfortable beds I'm sleeping in, maybe it's other things. Maybe my neck, back and legs hurt purely as a distraction from some emotional turmoil I'm going through. Or maybe my legs hurt because I began wearing flip flops last week and I walk differently in them. And maybe my neck and back pain really is because of the beds. Who knows, as long as I continue to make that money.

No more writing for now. I'm over it. Until next time... Up TheTrooper97!

The Sunshine State

2011-04-05T12:09:00.008-04:00

Today, the Sunshine State is cloudy and cool, at least where I am, in Jacksonville. I was awakened early this morning by heavy rain pelting my 5th floor window at the Best Western near Butler Blvd. and I-95. It was coming down pretty hard, I thought the sky was falling.

I know, I know, it's been two freakin' months since I posted here. I've almost abandoned the blog all together. I'm trying to not do that. This used to be my place of therapy, my place to air everything out. So let's start fresh...

As I mentioned, I'm in Jacksonville, Florida. Can you guess why I'm here? If you guessed that I'm here to discover that all the rumors and speculation about Florida poker are in fact true, you'd be right! Holy crap, I don't even know how to explain how fishy this place is. The things I hear them say are unbelievable. Their ideas and concepts on the game are so over-the-moon I can't even figure how they got to such a twisted place. And math? Well, that doesn't exist much here.

The first time one walks into The Poker Room at Orange Park Kennel Club, one might think he's in a prison rec-room or an abandoned park near a meth-lab or a trailer park. Ok, I may exagerate a bit, but a high enough percentage of the players look like they're on parole that it just seems weird. Dread locks, jailhouse tats, the strong smell of reefer, and the mullets... oh the mullets. And though it doesn't have to be so, they play just like they look. As as result, I am crushing them. There are a few winners in the room who have half a clue. But know this, it doesn't take much to be a winner in this room.

I came down here on February 24th. That was a thursday. I played 2-2 NLH thursday and friday and drove back to SC on Saturday to deal the game. The players were so clueless that I couldn't wait to get back down here so I returned on tuesday March 1st. I continued to play 2-2 but quickly realised that 2-5 was a better game. Also, I started off at The Poker Room at St. John's Greyhound Track. It's across town and is the same company. The room is nicer but the fish are much more plentiful at Orange Park so now I am playing 2-5 at Orange Park almost exclusively. This is my 7th trip in 7 weeks and my 6th full week here. I'm staying in hotels every sunday through thursday or friday in the $65 per night range and every saturday I return to SC to deal the game and make my guaranteed money, though the money here is starting to appear to be guaranteed. I've logged 191 hours here so far and made $38.86 per hour. I am backed by someone in SC and after the hotels there is plenty of money left over to chop and make it all worthwhile. I'm padding my bank account and we're working our way to the 5-10 tables.

After dealing this past saturday night and a brief sleep sunday morning, I drove back down here but was too tired to get started late sunday night. I was feeling a little under the weather when I woke up yesterday but I finally made it to the table and bought in for $300. After seven hours I had $955 in front of me and decided to run with it. The hotel has been covered and I have 3 or 4 more days to uptick much more. I feel much better today, more rested, so I am anxious to get started. I intend to regularly update here as there are plenty of goofy stories to tell from this Jacksonville, FL felt.

Wish me luck...

Leaving Las Vegas

2011-02-06T16:32:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I hear a song and it not only reminds me of my time living in Las Vegas, but it takes me back there with an almost deja vu-like weirdness. "Stay Captive" by Still Remains is one such song and I just heard it. And what an appropriate time too, as I'm boarding a plane seven days from now to fly back to the Mecca to see it for the first time in almost 2 years.

It's hard to believe it's been that long. When I left Vegas in late March of 2009, I didn't know what I'd be getting myself into. I had great reasons for leaving and for those reasons, I'd leave just about anything on Earth. I love Drew to death. For anyone who doesn't know, Drew is my long lost daughter. I met her for the first time shortly after arriving back here in SC. I wouldn't trade that for anything. I wouldn't trade the amazement of meeting such a wonderful, person who, though never having met me before, is so much like me it's scary. I wouldn't trade the pain and agony of dealing with and accepting the fact that I missed so much with Drew. I also wouldn't trade the pain I've experienced from finding out just how much her mother was in love with me way back then, and I with her, and discovering just how vast the mistakes which were made at that time actually were. For my mistakes, I will forever be mournful and ashamed. I may never get over it and I may never allow myself to have the life I've always wanted. Barring my soul, I would give anything and everything to go back and change it. And my soul may actually hang in the balance if it were an option.

On February 14th, I'll be boarding a plane in Charlotte along with XpenginX. We are planning to stay in Vegas until Friday. I don't know how I will react to the sights, sounds and smells of that great city. I'm looking so forward to it, but at the same time I'm a little scared. I actually have a decision to make regarding where I'm going to spend the next few months or years of my life. It may be hard to get me back to the airport friday morning and I suppose I'll have to trust the penguin to get me there. All emotion aside though, I have responsibilities here for the time being so I'll be back. But considering the state of my personal life and the albatross that is my desperate desire to have something that increasingly appears to be unattainable, I may be heading back west for a longer period.

When I left Las Vegas before, I didn't want to leave. But things here were, and are, way more important. I don't know what's going to happen. I guess we'll just see, won't we...

Vegas, My Love

2010-10-31T14:47:00.005-04:00

I can smell The Venetian. I can feel the dry, desert air. I can smell the dust and hear the jingle of the gambling Mecca. I hear the music, I can taste all the food I haven't had in over a year and a half. I'm working my ass off to get back there, if just temporarily.

I'm only dealing one night a week now. The game I was dealing fell apart. The high school football coaches went back to work. One guy went missing after it surfaced that he stole a bunch of money from his job. Another guy thinks he's little Tony Soprano and tried to fuck things up. We were forced to move the game from the safest of locations to the perceived ghetto. The game is trying to kick back off but the house has decided that he doesn't want to pay me to carry on the potential of the game... which I demonstrated in the first place. So now I'm dealing on saturdays for a long time veteran of the G-vegas poker scene and I'm spending the rest of my time grinding the shit out of 180 man SNGs on Stars. I'm playing the super soft $2.20's and $3.30 rebuys. I'm 20 tabling and working my way up. Good luck me.

I'm in a perfect mood today. I forced myself up at 11:30am after going to bed at 6:15am. I feel open and alive. I got some juice from winning $228 in three and a half hours on Stars. The music I've chosen for today is squeezing my heart. I feel love from somewhere. Is it from Vegas? Is she sending me her love? I'm inspired. I may run away, but I will say good-bye, I promise...

As for Vegas, I miss you baby. You are my geographic love. Your smells, tastes, sights sounds... and your touch... oh, your touch... I shall return to you sooner than later.

Love, TheTrooper97

Struggling With Reflection

2010-09-11T12:28:00.004-04:00

When I left Cherokee an hour ago it was raining. It's still raining and it's raining here in Asheville where I've decided to stop until I continue on to where I'll be dealing tonight. It's dark and gray and you know how much I love that. But sometimes the rainy weather can offer adverse effects to my mood and my feelings about life. As I drove along US-74 and the downpour pelted my windshield, I gazed at the fog filling the gaps between the hills and covering the peaks of the mountains, and against my better judgment, I reflected. Not so surprisingly, I was listening to Iron Maiden as I drove and I started thinking of listening to their Seventh Son of a Seventh Son album when I was 15. I would listen and listen, especially on the weekends, closet light sneaking through the gaps of the door, dimly lighting my bedroom. Their music and lyrics always intensified wonder in my mind and restlessness in my soul.

Those times were emotionally tough for me. It was about five years after quite a traumatic occurrence which, little did I realize when it happened, would shape much of my life to come. Unfortunately, I had to witness something that ripped my heart out and I had to intervene and basically save someone else. I shouldn't have had to go through that at age ten, but I'd certainly do it again. I am, in fact, still tortured by those events even though I very rarely think of them directly. When I do think of it, I'm always amazed at my precise actions and my attention to detail and I wonder how I could have possibly had the presence of mind to carry out
such a task in the middle of the night at such a young age.

It was also about five years before I would make my very own mistake that would also afflict me throughout my life. That mistake is torturing me now more than ever and the effects of it have become complexly intertwined with the repercussions of what happened when I was ten years old. What happened when I was ten wasn't my fault, but although influenced by the earlier incident, what happened when I was twenty was.

The past will always haunt me. I can't seem to find a way to let it go. Maybe I need professional help, or maybe it's too late for that. I try to learn and I try to think it out, but the struggle is enormous. And that leads me to the fear of a foreseeable future. As I continue to live and make mistakes and torture myself by agonizing over things I cannot change, I fear I may be setting myself up for an altogether miserable existence thirty or forty years from now. If I have so much heartache now, what will it be like when I'm seventy or eighty years old and I realize I have no time left? I am scared to fucking death of that, not to mention the fear of being, and dying, alone. On the plus side, I appreciate the emotional pain. On the other hand, how much can I possibly endure?

Look into our face reflected in the moonglow in your eyes
Remember you can choose to look but not to see and waste your hours
You believe you have the time but I tell you your time is short
See your past and future all the same and it cannot be bought

Take my eyes for what I've seen
I will give my sight to you
You are free to choose whatever
Life to live or life to lose
Whatever God you know
He knows you better than you believe
In your once and future grave
You'll fall endlessly deceived

The preacher loses face with Christ
Religion's cruel device is gone
Empty flesh and hollow bones
Make pacts of love but die alone
The crucible of pain will forge the
Blanks of sin begin again
You are free to choose a life to live
Or one that's left to lose

-Iron Maiden, "Starblind", The Final Frontier

Sleeping Garage

2010-09-06T14:46:00.003-04:00

What a night. I knew when I drove up the mountain yesterday that Cherokee was booked for the Labor Day weekend. Not just the main hotel, mind you, but the whole town! I was committed though and decided to drive up anyway. I arrived around 9:00pm and got some food. By 9:45 I was seated and getting raped by the cards.

The poker room last night, as usual, was filled with kindergarten level players. Getting the money in good is not usually a problem, but the cards are really crushing me lately. The last time I played here I got $175 in on the flop as about a 7-1 favorite holding top set. The guy didn't even catch his ace. The deck instead decided to puke out running diamonds to send him the $449 pot. Last night, it seemed that I'd picked up right where I left off. Naked flush draw? Sure, put $220 into the $10 pot against my top two and get there. AK on an 888 flop against my KK? Why not, the 8 is obviously hitting the river. Ace high good.

At 5:00am, I justifiably put $250 into the pot, pre-flop, holding deuces. I was getting 4-1 against AA and KK. I'd re-raised a dummy who made it $20 from the C/O following about 7 limpers. I made it $125 to go and the guy on my left made it $400. Shit. Once it got back to me, I was getting right at 4-1 for my last $127 and decided to take the shot. I'm a little less than 4-1 to win, but whatever. It was crazy, I didn't get there, and off to bed I went.

But wait... I didn't have a bed to go to! There were no rooms available and I was down $700 for the night. Even if there was a room, I wasn't willing to pay for one. Fortunately, it got down to around 40 degrees last night in Cherokee so my plan to sleep in the car was not a terrible one. I reclined the seat, threw an Iron Maiden T-shirt over my eyes, and slept until 10:00am.

When I woke up, the sun was baking me. I'd pulled up to the top deck of the parking garage because it was darker there. At 10:00 though, it was extremely bright and getting hot. I cranked the Cavalier, then the A/C, and then drove down to the 7th level. I was trying to go back to sleep but my bladder was having none of it. I had to make my way down to the second floor and make friends with a urinal, and by that time, eyes burning only a little, I was ready to get back to work. I got a coffee and hit the room. 3 1/2 hours later I was up $500 and decided to lock it up and check into my room for tonight. I'm on my way there now, but stopped at Tribal Grounds to grab a coffee and update this blog which I've allowed to slip for far too long.

So here we are. It's 3:15pm on Monday. I'm down $200 for the trip. That's not too bad. I'm gonna go get the room and then I gotta hit the pavement for an hour or so to work on this weight-loss bet. The bet is small but I want to win. I'm eating raw veggies non-stop and drinking lots of water. I'm getting healthy! Win or lose the bet, I'm creating a lifestyle change that I'm more determined than ever to stick to. GL me on that because it's only going to help me in all areas of my life. After the run, I'll shower (I need it) and hit the room again tonight. Tomorrow I'm supposed to deal so let's get this money while we can!

Come on you Irons!!!

Trying

2010-08-19T16:08:00.002-04:00

I can't sleep where I live, though I did just make a fairly successful effort to sleep twelve hours. My relationship is barely functional. I've not been very productive in my poker life and I haven't been very responsible with the money I've made dealing. I've been side tracked a lot lately. I'm out of shape and tired. Despite all this, I'm in a pretty good mood today. I'm motivated. I'm inspired. It could be the upcoming weight-loss bet I'll be involved in. It's probably mostly due to the new Iron Maiden CD, The Final Frontier. It's really kicking me in the motivators.

I'm in Asheville, on my way to cherokee. I have a limited roll at the moment but plan to do work in the mountains of NC. I'll also be working on preparations for the aforementioned weight loss competition. I won't reveal too many strategy related points about how I'm preparing or how I plan to win, but once the terms have been fully negotiated and the bet has begun, I'll fill you in. The main point is to kick start, and begin to self-enforce a lifestyle change. Good luck me.

I'm gonna play a bit online and the head on up the mountain. God, Iron Maiden rips it the fuck up!

COME ON YOU IRONS!

Curving on the edge of daylight
'til it slips into the void
Waited in the long night dreaming
'til the sun is born again

Comeuppance

2010-08-01T19:29:00.002-04:00

I don't know where to start. I feel like I have a million things to report, but I can't think of anything to say. Obviously it's been a month and a half since my last post, and so much has happened. But it's like I've lost touch with the blog. I used to love to tell my story, and quite a few people liked to read it. But the last year and a half has been so nuts. I used to be very open about my life in general. I'd just tell the world where I was and what I was doing. But so much of the last year and and half has been kept private. This was necessary, but not by my choice. So as a result, I have reported only on the stuff I can talk about out loud. I think that's made me feel a little detached from forum through which I once so openly discussed matters of my life.

I have shared many personal learning experiences in this blog. My hope is that I have helped others through my own personal insight. I've stated before that I believe that life's main purpose is education. Shit happens, and I need to learn from it. I think that opening my mind to that belief has made possible many occurrences that may not have come along or I may not have noticed otherwise. For having that way of looking at life, I am thankful. I don't know when or where this door opened, but I appreciate the day I walked through it. I realize that there are countless other doors to walk through and I can't wait to get to them. And there's the thing... I think that I've just been too damned busy living in this huge lesson over the past few months to report it to you. What I can tell you is that life has been torturing the shit out of me for months and I've been pushed to levels of stress that I never knew possible. It's been hard as hell. I'm not talking about poker, mind you, but other areas of life, love, regret, penance. As far as those things go, I don't know what I'm doing anymore. In fact, I don't even know what I want anymore. I thought I knew, I really did. And I fought like hell for the last year and a half for it. But now, I just don't know. Now, it would seem that I'm actually scared to death of getting what I've been fighting for. Part of the problem is knowing about myself and trying to figure out if I should change or not. When someone has been dead set on something for 30 years, it's kinda hard to change it. I'm not saying I wouldn't, I just don't know if it's right, and the process may just be too difficult. I may be ready to give up.

Two weeks ago, the shit hit the fan. It's hit the fan before, but this time was truly different. In the immediate aftermath, I decided the best thing for me was to hit the road and stay on it. I've been to Cherokee two or three times and I've been to Jacksonville, FL twice in two weeks. I'm still dealing the game on tuesday and saturday, but the rest of the time I've been traveling and playing poker. G-vegas is just to depressing and I don't want to be depressed. If the last year and a half is over, then I want to embrace it with relief and ambition. If it is over, I want to take with me the positives. I do not want to go back to the lonely, depressing emotional hole I lived in before. I'm so confused, I don't know what the hell I want to do. I do know that I want to be happy. I may not deserve to be happy, but I want it.

If I'm being punished, then it's working. I deserve it and I'm not trying to dodge it. I, without resistance, shall pay my comeuppance. I don't even mind over paying. I just hope that I can pay it off while I still have a little of my youth left.

I will be trying to post more regularly. Right now I'm going to a hotel room in Cherokee, NC to sleep for two days. I'm completely exhausted, having burned the candle at both ends for two solid weeks. At this point, I just want to sleep. Please, let me sleep...

2-1, Driving to Poker

2010-06-14T12:26:00.002-04:00

Who knows what I was thinking. Well, I was only sort of joking when I sent a text to xpenginx suggesting that we go to West Virginia for one night of poker. I did that at about noon on friday and never expected him to want to go. Two hours later we were on the highway.

What made this poker trip absurd was that we both had to be back in SC on Saturday and the drive is six hours each way. Really? Did we decide to embark on a journey that would put us driving twice as many hours as would have to play poker? Yes, we really did. I was just ready to go anywhere and if I ended up someplace where I could pick up poker chips with my hand and fling them into a pot, then I was ready to go.

About four and a half hours into the drive I looked up from fiddling with my iPod and payed attention for the first time in awhile to where we were at the moment. The trip should be easy enough because once you get on I-77, it's one road the whole way. I drove it once from Columbia, SC and 77 took me all the way to the casino. Knowing this, I wasn't even looking at signs and was barely even watching the road itself. That became a problem though when I looked up and noticed the large billboard welcoming us to Tennessee. WTF? Somehow we went the wrong way around where I-81 and I-77 merge together and then separate again. We actually drove an hour and twenty minutes out of the way which meant we added two hours and forty minutes to the already too-long drive. I may have failed to mention that I was driving. There, I admitted it. I was driving.

We finally made our way to Charleston, WV where we had a room at the Best Western Plaza Hotel right downtown. We checked in, dropped our bags and headed as quickly as possible to the casino. We were seated around 11:30 and being the casino closes at 5:00am on friday night, I got right to work. I dabbled in a few pots and got into the 1-2 game for $300. I flopped a set and had to pitch it on the river. I made a profitable call for a gutshot on a flop and missed. I called a guy down with pocket sixes on the end because I knew I was good based on his behavior. You know, I played poker and wasted no time.

I swung up and down a little and finally flopped a boat holding 65 from the SB in a raised pot. I didn't have to put too much effort into getting paid and it didn't hurt that a guy drew all the way down on the paired board and hit his straight on the river. At 4:00am, xpenginx was done and so I quit with a $160 uptick. We hit the hotel, slept for 5 hours and then drove back to SC for the Saturday night game.

The drive back was rough for me even though xpenginx drove the entire way. I just couldn't hold my eyes open and was dreading the thought of dealing poker all night. When the game started at ten 'till 7:00pm I felt fine. But around 3:00am I started falling asleep between dealing each street on the hands. It was rough as hell but I made it through and at 5:00 the game was over. The hour long drive home kicked me in the balls but once I was back in G-vegas ,I slept like I haven't slept in awhile.

So it's Monday, I'm at the office (Starbucks) and I'm about to start working on some online poker. I'd rather not report on the progress of the steps right now which should tell you how it's going anyway. I'm certainly not done. The fact that I had the opportunity to play step 7 three times already with a minimal deposit is exciting. I feel like it's meant to be so why piss off fate by not playing? I should also get back into the swing of the turbo 45's on Stars. What I'd really like to be doing is lying a a beach somewhere. I really want to be on a proper vacation. That's not in the cards this week but perhaps next week. I'm actually taking on extra work this week by dealing that other game I used to deal sometimes. G-vegasites know, the one downtown.

I do still have the New York trip to look forward to. Did I mention that? Oh yea, I have been slacking on the blog sooo hard. Drew and I are flying to NYC on July 12th. We're gonna wander around the city all day and then we're going to see the greatest show on Earth, Iron Maiden at Madison Square Garden. Drew has never been to NY and I can't wait to show it to her. Thanks to those who turned me on to Stubhub.com, I never knew such existed. The show sold out quickly and I was too broke to get tickets at that time, but Stubhub, a place where people sell their tickets to shows and events and what not, had about 500 tickets. I paid $345 for two tickets but it will definately be worth it. The show will be spectacular and I can't put a price on spending a couple days with Drew.

Till next time,
Snookie... DO WORK!

Slacker

2010-06-11T11:07:00.003-04:00

What can I say? I'm wearing a t-shirt today that reads "Slacker". That's what I've been with the blog. I used to love writing here and I guess I still do. Like I've said a few times, maybe I just don't feel like I have anything to tell. But maybe I'm wrong about that.

So when I last left you I mentioned that I found a poker game to deal. The game ran for over a year with the players passing the deal but now they have me and the improvements must be worth it because they seem to want to keep me around. The game is going strong and damned if it isn't starting to resemble a cross between the old Gaelic game and the Spring Hotel. We start at 7:00pm sharp and go strong until about 6:00am.

So I also made mention of playing 45 man turbo SNGs on Stars. In April and May I played 3827 of these SNGs with buy-ins ranging from $3 to $12. I'm slightly down right now and I haven't played in over a week because I sort of got caught up in what xpenginx likes to refer to as Full Tilt Poker's pyramid scheme. See, one night about a week and a half ago at about 3:00am I decided, out of pure boredom expertly mixed with inspiration, to deposit $20 onto FTP and play super turbo step SNGs. I started with step 1 for $3.30 and an hour and a half later I fell asleep, my account holding a step 4 ticket worth $75. The next day I got up and blew through step 4 and then broke even in step 5. Upon trying step 5 the second time I got knocked back to step 4, but then I pounded step 4, 5 and 6, finding myself in possession of a $2100 step 7 ticket. To shorten the story of the path, I have played step 7 three times now. The first time A8 kicked my AQ in the balls . The second time I only put a chip in the pot twice and was lucky as hell to get a step 6 ticket out of it. I have fallen back as far as step 4 on this same run and I now hold a step 5 ticket. I will not give up. The super turbo SNG will win me a $12,000 package. For the record, I'll be taking the cash.

Just a few minutes ago I invented a new game for myself that I intend to play every day, until I get bored with it. It's called "If I Lived in Vegas, What Would I Do Today?" Let's play now... Today, I would wake up and hit Starbucks around the corner from my apartment. I'd sit with a grande iced coffee with milk and 3 pumps of vanilla. I'd play my step 5 ticket and fiddle around on FTP for a bit and then I'd make my way towards the strip where I'd probably hit Noodle Asia at the Venetian for that spicy shrimp thing with the fat rice noodles that I like. Then I'd drive downtown and play cash at Binions and/or the Golden Nugget. That's it. That's my mood. I wanna sit around with the degenerates and crazy people downtown and play poker in the one room I've never booked a loss... Binion's.

If I don't keep up with the blog, one day I'll look back and wonder what the hell happened during this time. Nothing will be documented. So I shall try harder. You can definately look forward to more poker in the future. I'm getting back on Stars today and I'm looking for opportunities to play Steps. I'm dealing tomorrow and the money at this game is good. The point is, a roll is building. Vegas is on the horizon, if just for a week or so. I feel a wave coming and I can't wait to ride.

Here's to life, and to poker.

Anew

2010-04-23T13:33:00.003-04:00

I know... I know. It's been awhile. It's been a freaking month since I posted here. By this time there probably won't even be anyone left to read anymore, but I'm gonna write anyway.

A lot has happened. I was back in Cherokee for a bit and now I'm not. I ran like total shit up there for a month and then I left. That's all that really needs to be said about that. So I'm on a new track now.

First of all, I found a dealing job and it's a preety good one. Things will never be the same as they were in the days of the Spring Hotel and the Gaelic game, but considering everything, they're getting better. I deal on tuesdays and saturdays and the location is about 45 minutes from G-vegas. It actually takes about an hour to get home and the drive is brutal at 5:00am after dealing for 10 hours, but I'm not complaining. We play 1-1 NLH and the games is great. It plays like a 1-2 with a discounted limp and BB, as the standard preflop raise ranges from $8-$12. I'd love to be a player in the game regularly but for now, dealing is best. The rake is pretty low too by the way, compared to G-vegas, then and now especially.

There's something else in the works as well. I have a friend who kills MTT SNGs for a living. He currently focuses on 180 man turbos. After a discussion a couple weeks ago, we decided that he would stake me in 45 man turbos on Stars. He's coaching me some on the proper strategies and my history with 9 man SNGs has helped a lot. It's not about poker, it's about the grind. It's that simple. Make a million +EV plays and the profit just appears out of nowhere. I'm currently 15 tabling and working my way up to 20 tables. I played 94 games yesterday in about 6 hours. I'm still adjusting to playing so many tables and I'm learning about the game itself. It's a different world from live cash poker, but I'm digging it. It seems to fit my personality quite well.

"So, I guess we'll just see, won't we."

Just so You're Aware of the Coming Beastliness...

2010-03-25T12:35:00.004-04:00

Oh yea, and the new CD comes out late summer, so be advised...

A Weird Tournament

2010-02-26T12:29:00.003-05:00

Good morning.

I got a call last friday from a friend who told me of a poker tournament in Charlotte, NC. I'm still unsure about the details but these guys donate to some zoological group or something so they have these legal poker tournies and cash games on a regular basis. So I was offered a stake in saturday's tourny and at around 2:00pm I sat with 76 other players, quite a few of whom were from G-vegas. The total buy-in was $180 and 8 got paid with 1st cashing in for about $3100.

The structure was ok and I started with 17,000 chips. We played the first four levels before a break and during level four, I played my first hand. UTG min-raised to 400 and I called with 66 and BB called as well. The flop was Q62 rainbow. BB checked, UTG bet 700, I called and BB called. The turn brought and ace and when it did, I was staring hard at UTG. BB checked and as UTG looked at the board and reached for chips to bet, I could easily tell he loved the ace. He bet out 1500 and I elected to just call. BB folded and the river was blank. UTG bet out 2500 and I had about 7500 in my stack. I thought about what he could have and I couldn't shake the sick feeling that he either flopped a set of queens or turned a set of aces. I really felt like he loved the ace on the turn and there were a couple reasons he may have loved it, the main one being that he flopped the queens and was hoping someone hit the ace. With so much play left, I decided to just call. He turned up the one hand that, for some strange reason, never crossed my mind... AQ. I drug the pot and we went on break.

When we returned from break, the blinds were 100/200/25. I didn't play a hand until the next level with the blinds being 150/300/25. The BB had been raising alot. He was loose and agressive and he happened to be a G-vegas player named Brian. The UTG lady had been quite tight and she raised it up to 1000 with a single yellow chip. I was two to her left and I looked down at KK. I decided to raise to 2000 and all else folded to the BB. He chattered a bit about my raise and overcalled and the lady called. The flop hit QTx with 2 spades and Brian took a minute to look at UTG's stack and my stack and while he was doing this, I watched the lady get excited and fidget about in her seat. She held a monster and I knew it. Brian finally verbalized "I'm alll in", and this was quite a bet considering the stacks. He had both UTG and myself covered and I had about 19K. But as soon as he could get the words out, the lady called faster than she's probably done anything in 10 years. It took me about 1 second to uncap my kings and fold face up to the gasps of the table. Brian flipped up AsTs for a pair/flush draw and UTG flipped up what I already knew, pocket queens for a flopped set. She held up and I, while proud of my fold, felt gypped.

I played on until the dinner break which was after three hours of play. When I left to eat I had 14K in my stack and upon our return the blinds would be 500/1K/100. I knew that the game would really have to start for me but I was prepared as this is where I play my best. I also had an image and knew that most of my raises/shoves would be given to me, especially when I'm so good at picking the spots. I wouldn't be shoving on Brian too much or the guy on my right, and I knew who would likely fold. With that in mind, I hit the buffet.

Here's where the day took a ridiculous turn. I scarfed down a plate of mediocre lasagna and spaghetti and then decided to rush down to a Starbucks about 4 miles away and grab a coffee to fuel my assault over the next couple hours. I made it there and got the coffee just fine, but with about 5 minutes left before the end of the break, I lightly bumped the rear bumper of an SUV as I pulled out onto Park Rd. What the fuck? I hadn't hit anyone on over 17 years. Well, the lady insisted on a police report. I didn't care about my car, I just had a small dent on my passenger door and I don't even have collision insurance, but she had a scratch on her bumper and I don't blame her.

We pulled into a gas station and she called the cops. I sat in my car and thought about folding the kings and I thought about the $3100 first place prize. How in the name of Hell does this happen right now? I hated to, but I accepted the fact that the tourny was over for me. But then, to my surprise, the cop arrived rather quickly. It turned out that he was headed to that gas station anyway to get a coffee for himself. Not only did he make the report quickly, but he didn't even ticket me for my expired registration. I'm lazy on that type of stuff. He handed me my copy of the report and I sped back to the tourny.

I walked in and found that my stack still had 7K in it. The blinds were about to move from 600/1200/100 to 800/1600/100 and I went through the blinds and then shoved AJ on the button and picked up the pot. With 7K still in my stack, the 1600 BB hit me and I was dealt 65o. Brian, who was still up to his LAG monkey business, raised from the cut-off to 4200. It folded to me and I thought about his hand. I know I want to be shoving and not calling, especially with rags, but with Brian on my right, I knew that the opportunies to shove without his raise in front of me would be few and far between. He could have just about any two cards that included at least one face or ace. If he had two overs I'd just be a 3-2 dog and I figured to be at least that good or better so I decided to gamble in this spot while the pot would still be worth it. If I fold my 1600, then shove the next hand or even later than that, I wouldn't gain much and I'd have to shove again pretty quickly. Given all those factors, I said, "If I win this pot I win the whole thing," as I slid my remaining 5400 or so into the middle. Brian said something about having to call (duh) and he showed me QT, about what I figured. I flipped my cards and the dealer put out JJ7 for a flop. I pointed at the board and called for a 6 and the dealer peeled a 6. I pointed again and called for an ace and the dealer obligedly peeled an ace for me. It was, of course, fun to call the turn and river cards while the table laughed in amazement, but it was so much more fun to drag in the 16K pot.

I rode my stack down to the final three tables where I dwindled down to 9K with the blinds being 1K/2K/200. UTG, I looked at 5h2h and shoved with what would surely be live cards. It made it all the way to the BB and he found KQ and called. The dealer proceeded to flop me a 5, and then turn a 2 to give me the pot. Then, in the SB, I picked up 66. One guy limped so I limped and the BB checked. I flopped a set and managed to double up against second pair and found myself sitting on a 40K stack. We broke down to 2 tables and I fought hard. I found a couple spots to shove and survive but finally, with 15 players left, I shoved and ace, got called in two spots, and drove back to G-vegas empty handed.

Considering everything that happened, it was a weird day. In the end, I just couldn't find a hand. The structure was long in the beginning, but the blinds got nuts towards the end. Went I busted, we were at 4K/8K/400 and the dealer at my new table was slow as shit. I had fun playing and I feel like I fought pretty hard, especially after the debacle on Park Rd. Maybe next time.

I'm back at the tables in Cherokee by the way. Stay tuned...

Forgotten My Worth

2010-01-31T13:09:00.005-05:00

I'm going through something right now. Something inside me is awakening. It's been asleep for a long time, but it's coming back to life. I'm groggy, my eyes are sleepy and I'm remembering. I'm remembering who I am, or who I was. I'm remembering where I was. I miss it, and I miss me.

The last year has been treacherous. It's been the toughest time I've ever had to endure. I haven't really explained what has been going on, but trust me, it's been hard. The thing that I'm now realizing is that through it all, I've lost myself. I was a certain person a year ago, and that guy is gone. I miss that guy. My confidence is gone. My self-worth is dead. For the last few days, I've been remembering though, and I think he's coming back.

I really feel as though I'm going through an important transition right now that will affect the rest of my life. I can tell you one thing, and that's that I miss the hell out of Vegas. I left my personality there. I left what sanity I had there and I left all my confidence there. I mean, look at this blog. I used to have a story to tell. I don't anymore. Sure, while I was in Cherokee I had poker stuff to report on, but come on. My story was the guy who picked up and moved himself to Vegas to go for his dream. I've been willing to work hard for my other dream of having love, but I just don't know if that is going to work out anymore. I'm torn and I'm confused.

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I had a very strange experience a few mornings ago. I was lying in bed, half asleep, sort of drifting in and out. I rarely remember my dreams, but I've had quite a few recurring dreams over the years. Some come back for awhile and then dissappear only to resurface years later. I sometimes remember my dreams for a few seconds after I'm awake, but as soon as I sit up they vanish. But while I'm having a recurring dream, I realise that I've had it before. So the other morning, in my sort of half-way-to-sleep phase, my mind was actually flipping through a couple dozen recurring dreams from different times in life. It was a little scary because it felt like my life was flashing before my eyes, like I was about to die. But it wasn't my life that was flashing, it was a life of recurring dreams. None were nightmares, they were just random dreams. It freaked me out that I was remembering so many dreams at once, especially since I never remember my dreams.

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I feel like life is divided into phases. Those phases are linked together like a chain that makes up a timeline of my life. But when I start a new phase, it feels like that phase is seperate while it is happening. It's like, I can look back at my life, and I see the chain, but I'm looking from within one link, so I can't even tell that this link is attached because of my perception. Because this is now. It would be like standing inside a car at the front of a train on a large curve and looking out to see the other cars linked, but not being able to see the outside of the car I'm standing in. I see the inside of this car, but the outside of the others, and it's plain to see that they are connected to each other. But if the train stops and I step off and look at the whole train, I can see that the car I was in is attached. So there comes a point in each phase of my life where I can suddenly see that the phase is attached to the chain that is my entire life. I suppose that is when I step onto the next, new car. I'm feeling that way about this phase, I'm just not sure if it means that the phase is over. I feel like the past year has now attached itself and become part of my history.

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So what to do now? Well, that's what's got me fucked up at the moment. This started 6 days ago and I just can't shake it. And even though one of the immediate sources of stress that I feel snapped me into this place has died, I just can't seem to find my way out. I feel like I'm rediscovering the guy I let die over the last 8 months and I like that. I do not want to let go of myself again. But I'm not sure I have to go all the way back to Vegas to keep myself. It's a weird feeling. I just feel like I've lost touch with TheTrooper97. And though I've felt like I've been losing ouch with him for a few months now, it all just hit me hard six days ago. I just want to stop being stressed the fuck out and stop being a little bitch and stand up and be me agian. And I'm not the only one who likes the real me. What I really need is to go to Vegas for a week and play poker. But I suppose that won't happen.

Who knows what will happen to me. Who knows what will happen next. All I can hope for is that when the smoke finally clears, I am myself again, and I've learned from this experience. I decided awhile back that the meaning of life is to learn and prepare for what comes next, so as long as I'm learning, I'm doing my job.

Rising from the ruins
Yet my mnd is burning
Flames reflect those years of torment
Life that drowned in fire
Death was my desire
Path of hate was relief for me

Heart of storm-I feel the force is clean again
Heart of storm-deep inside of me
Heart of storm-and when I tear all roots of pain
Heart of storm-grief and agony, then I'll be free

Having a Vegas Attack

2010-01-25T12:41:00.002-05:00

Right off the bat I should disclose that I didn't sleep last night. I dozed here and there but I couldn't get to sleep initially and then I was awake more than asleep. Now, that being said, I'm in a funked up mood. I'm tired and groggy. I'm depressed. It all started while I was stil in bed. I can't stop thinking about Vegas. I know I just wrote about how I'm not taking another shot right now and how I'm looking for a job and all that. But I just can't get Vegas out of my head today.

I'm here in SC for a good reason. I really am in love. But there are complications and who knows what will happen. And I love Drew to death and I love seeing her, but I could see her if I lived in Vegas. I'm playing FTP sattelites on Full Tilt at starbucks right now. I'm listening to Demon Hunter, whom I associate with Vegas. I'm watching videos I took of my apartment and while driving around the valley and stuff. I fucking miss it so fucking much right now. I miss the desert, the dirt, the night sky, the streets, the traffic, Fresh & Easy, the Strip, and fucking poker man... fucking poker.

Today, I just want to forget everything and wake up in my apartment in Vegas. I'd get up about now; it's 10:10 am there. I want to get up, drive over to my Starbucks, get a coffee, and drive down to Planet Hollywood, snatch a quick $300 and then stroll about the strip for awhile. I want to drive back to my favorite Fresh & Easy, pick up Asian Style Spare Ribs, go home, pop them in the oven and watch Everybody Loves Raymond on DVD untill I fall asleep. If I wake up tomorrow in Greenville, then we'll go from there. But today, I desperately want to be in Vegas. I want it so bad I feel like I'm gonna cry.

See, I could make that happen. It would be easy to get back to Vegas. I could be there in two months without a problem. But I love this girl and I want a better future. But right now I just want to play live tournies at the Venetian and Caesar's and Sahara. I want to run a stack of red into a rack of red at MGM. I want to drive the 215 from the strip to 95 and then to Russell Rd. to my apartment.

I've invested so much time and energy into what's been going on here since I left Vegas. I just don't think I can bring myself to give up on it. But I am losing hope and I feel like time is running out. I'm actually affraid that if things don't quickly go where I need them to go I may run away back to Vegas. I had some tough times in Vegas, and I had some really high times. No matter what was happening though, I felt like I belonged there. I was home. Every opportunity was there for me and I had the skills at the tables to beat the game. I still had life/discipline issues to learn about and work through, but I truely was on my way. I wish I could reach out and touch the High Desert today, I really do. I'm about to panic. I'm feeling overly anxious. I have to get up and leave Starbucks immediately. I don't know what to do.

Today, please, fml. Tyvm.

It's buried deep within the past, I hope it doesn't last
It's something I already chase, I already chase
I try to give it all away, but it's never gonna fade
It's something I don't waan face, I don't wanna face

You bring me to a better path, it's everything I asked
It's something I don't wanna face, I don't wanna face

When my heartstrings come undone
I will wait for you, Pray for you
Before I make my final run
I will stay with you, decay with you...

State of TheTrooper97

2010-01-19T11:23:00.002-05:00

Holy Crap, where to begin. Life changes, what can I say? I'm in G-vegas at Starbucks on Woodruff rd. I mean, 26 months ago I was sitting in this same place writing about the fact that I was leaving for Las Vegas. Now I am where I am. So where am I? Excellent question, and while I'm glad you asked, it's tough to answer.

First off, I'm broke. I played poker for 5 months in Cherokee but I didn't work hard enough. See, I'm an emotional person. I'm very vibe oriented and I've been going through some tough times in the parts of life outside of poker and so I didn't play as much as I should have. So spending caught up with me and now I'm on the job hunt. I have a little money on stars which I'm trying to work up by 12-tabling $5.20 double or nothing SNGs, but that's about it for poker. I thought I had a gig dealing a G-vegas game but that fell apart as quickly as I got excited about it.

I do not plan to give up on poker. I proved in Cherokee over a 5 month period that I'm profitable. I think that $530 for 20-25 hours per week in a 1-2 game while buying in for only $100 at a pop is pretty damned good. I was just way too distracted to give what I needed to give to the game. I didn't put in the hours. I learned from that though and I truely believe that if I had just one more shot at it I would plug that hole and really succeed. So I guess I should explain a little about why I was so distracted and why I'm not going back to Cherokee for another shot.

I'm in love. No, seriously, I really am. Sure I had a tough year, what with the discovering of Drew and I've dealt with a lot. I've dealt with it mostly on my own even though I admit I probably should have had professional help. I'm just glad I never actually gave in to the temptation of jerking the wheel and sending my troubles off a bridge while speeding along I-40. If I didn't do it over the guilt and regret of not being with Drew for the first 16 years of her life, I'll never do it. I think that's good news. The love thing is a whole other matter. Don't get me wrong, it's a good thing that I'm in love, but there are complications and love itself is indeed a huge distraction. We'll talk more about my love a bit later.

So I've decided to pursue a career, not just a job. I have my eye on a company with which I'm very familiar. I think I could be happy working for this company and I believe my personality and prior customer service experience are a perfect match. I have begun the process of going after a job and I'll fill you in a bit later on the progress. I'm also looking to move to another town. This is gonna be a tough thing to do with no money, but I always find a way and I can't figure why this time should be any different. If I can move 2100 miles from G-vegas to real Vegas with no money, believe me, I can do this.

As far as poker goes, I'll mostly play online for now. I am trying new things and I'm looking into the future to try and visualize where poker will fit in. It will fit in, I just don't have the details at the moment. Poker will never be far from my mind though. As we speak I'm listening to news radio 840 KXNT from Las Vegas on AOL radio and I'm hearing traffic reports and that just makes me feel like I'm there.

As far as love goes, well, you know how that goes. Wish me luck!

2010-01-09T12:25:00.003-05:00

Sharty Christmas

2009-12-27T12:55:00.002-05:00

Well, if my birthday sucked, Christmas was the worst one of my life. I wish I could go into details as to why, but I just can't right now. They both sucked for a big reason though. Bah fucking humbug to the 100th degree. I tell the truth though and I must admit that for a minute, Christmas eve didn't suck.

I was broke. The HU SNG thing on FTP didn't work out, I snapped under the pressure. But I ended up dealing the G-spot, an underground G-vegas game, thereby aquiring the funds to buy Christmas gifts. I spent wednesday shopping. I even drove from G-vegas to Charlotte for a t-shirt. It was a specific t-shirt that I loved and just had to buy for Drew. Then, on thursday, I drove to columbia to see Drew and give her her gifts.

On the drive down, I was depressed as hell. I was thinking about everything you'd suspect from being lonely this holiday season to what my life could have been. I was sick of every CD that I own and so I tuned into talk radio and there was a Christmas show on. The guy was telling Christmas stories and playing Christmas music. He told a story of how a battle came to an abrupt halt on Christmas during WWI. He told of German troops hunkered down in long trenches exchanging fire with French and British troops in their own trenches. But suddenly, and I want to say at midnight but I'm not sure about the time, the German soldiers stopped shooting. Noticing that they were no longer taking fire, the British and French stopped shooting as well. The guy went on to tell about how the Germans started singing Christmas songs and I guess the message was that for a few hours, there was peace on Earth.

Now, whether or not the story is true is not the point. No, the point is that for a minute, I found something that I haven't felt in a few years and was sure I wouldn't feel this year. I found the Christmas spirit. Or rather, since I wasn't looking for it, the Christmas spirit found me. There I was, driving to columbia to have what little bit of Christmas I would have, and it found me.

I met Drew at Starbucks and we got coffee. Actually, she had a Caramel Apple Spice and I had coffee. I gave her gifts and she truely loved them, especially the t-shirt I drove 1.5 hours each direction to get. But I have this problem. Whenever I'm where I want to be, I can't stop dreading the coming of the end. We talked and we laughed and it was special and it was fun. I love Drew to death and that's what made it so hard to leave. After an hour and a half, she had to get back home for a Christmas gathering with neighbors. Wishing so badly that I could stay with her, I got in my car and headed back to G-vegas.

Luckily, I got my friend Mark on the phone and we talked about unrelated items and that kept me from sulking and sinking into a deep depression. Then I got home and watched Martin on DVD until I fell asleep. But as badly as I wanted to sleep straight through until saturday, I woke up Christmas day. Santa hadn't come. There were no gifts, no cards, no nothing. I went to Starbucks and played SNGs online until time to eat with my mom and then I went back to the G-spot and dealt until 5:00am. As sad as Christmas day was, I would not trade anything for the hour and a half I spent with Drew on Christmas Eve.

I'm stressed today, but there have been a few good developments. I made a little money on Christmas night and yesterday I drove back up here to Cherokee. I got a free room and at about 7:30 I sat with $100. At around 1:30, I got up with $585. So I am not broke at the moment. That feels good. I have a few bucks on FTP and the other day I turned 2200 FPPs on Stars into $44T and then into $110 in real money. I figure I'll play a little online to wake up, drink this coffee to cheer up, and then I'll get back to work in the poker room.

The anguish of the holidays is not over for me yet. I'll explain further very soon. It's not just about Drew, I can see Drew whenever I want. She geniuinely loves to see me and I can't even put into words how I feel about her. I do get down about not being with her for her entire life. And I do get down about not being able to see her every day. But I love the fact that we are now in each other's lives. She's very special and I could just listen to her talk for hours. She says so many things that are just like me. Like when she was astounded by the girl she was behind at the vending machine at school who was counting out pennies. "Who doesn't know the machine doesn't take pennies?!?," she asked and exclaimed. You would have had to hear her to get it, but she is JUST LIKE ME! She complains about the exact same things I do. She told me the other day that there was something inside her that won't allow her to stop and stand in the hall or in a walkway because she's aware that there are other people trying to get through and she was talking about the million idiots who seem so oblivious to this type of thing. Every single day I deal with the same idiots at Cherokee and every other damned place I go. God, I love Drew.

So I'm down but I'm not out. Yes, there are bumps in the road. Yes, I'm questioning things that I've so desperately wanted and stressed over for so long. Yes, I'm affraid now more than ever that things aren't going to work out. But let me tell you, if I haven't given up yet and put a bullet in my head, I never will. I'll continue to fight the enemy and I'll continue to fight to get myself to do what needs to be done. The coffee must be working because my spirits are lifting as we speak.

I actually hope everone out there had a better Christmas season than I did. And I shall hold on to hope that next year will be better.

God bless.

Happy Fucking Birthday

2009-12-19T11:56:00.002-05:00

Well, it's that time of year again. Today is my birthday. I don't really make a big deal, or a deal of any size, about my birthday. But this year is the worst one I can remember. I'm not where I want to be and I'm certainly not doing what I want to be doing. Earlier in the year I had high hopes for this holiday season, but the shit just didn't pan out. I just got a text from Drew wishing me a happy birthday. Ok, it's a little better now.

This blog is whatever it is. Some people read it, I'm not sure why. I used to think it was entertaining because I was running free, living in the poker world, dealing with the everyday struggles of the underground G-vegas scene. Then I got to Vegas and the adventure really began. I had a story to tell and I even enjoy reading it myself. I'm not sure where this is going. Anyway, today I'm sitting in the very seat I was sitting in when I started this blog and wrote the very first post. I'm at Liquid Highway, downtown G-vegas. This place used to be Port City Java. It was a little better in those days, but this will do.

I was about to play online but I got a phone call that reminded me of just how lonely I am this Christmas season so I quickly plumeted into sadness. The music in here is sad as shit too so I guess I'll just spiral into a full blown depression. I'm struggling right now. It truely is tough in the streets.

Fuck my birthday.

Any Means Necessary

2009-12-12T11:28:00.004-05:00

Ok, I love the Baby Jesus and everything, and happy birthday to him, but I simply am NOT in the mood for Christmas music this morning. It's playing here at Tribal Grounds Coffee. Where are my ear buds? There, Avenged Sevenfold and Hammerfall are a more appropriate choice at this moment.

My good friend TheDevil once told me that he believed that I enjoyed the madness and chaos of gambling myself out of money the day before the rent was due. I used to do that every month. And after he told me that, I began to think he was right. And I still do think that about back then. I believe the reason I started gambling in the first place was that I was searching for something in my life. I was lost and empty and I wasn't sure why, though now I think I know what it was I was missing. I also believe that by abusing gambling and subjecting myself to such misery and stress I was punishing myself. But things have changed since then.

I don't gamble anymore. Yes I play poker. But poker, for me at least, is a +EV proposition. Some of you may not believe that, but I now the truth. So why am I almost broke again? Yes, I'm almost broke. I'm not all the way broke, mind you, but my roll is circling the drain. So why then, if I'm a winning player, am I almost broke? I've been wondering the same thing. So I've explored the issue come up with some answers, and in so doing, I've come up with some solutions.

First off, the notion that I enjoy running myself to the brink of extinction just so I can work myself to death and get it together just before I reach the point of no return is just not true. It's not true anymore that is. I admit that it must have been true ten years ago when I was lost and gambling and I waited tables for income. But it's just not true anymore. If it were I'd go to the casino right this minute and slap what roll I have left down on the blackjack table, throw the objective of grinding out the window, and go for absolute broke. I haven't done that and I will not do that.

Next we'll get to the numbers. I keep accurate records of all my poker play. I don't record as many types of information as I should, such as hours at the table, but I keep track of every dollar that goes in and out. I don't keep records of life money, but I should do that too. The trouble with my records though is that I never look at them. I record my daily take and then the numbers just sit on a spreadsheet and are never studied or used for anything. But now that it's almost too late, I've calculated the numbers.

I first came to Cherokee on July 9th. I had $500 in my pocket and I sat down and upticked $136. The next day I made $44 and the next $307. I went on to make a win twelve days in a row and that's how this 20 week adventure began. 21 weeks have passed but I didn't play last week so these totals are for 20 weeks. It has been 5 months and the positve column in my spreadsheet adds up to $18,269. The column for losing days comes to a total of -$7655 which brings my grand total to $10,614. This number divided by 20 weeks gives me an average weekly profit of $530. As a side note, keep in mind that I NEVER bought in for more than $100 to start a session. In the beginning I wasn't getting as many free hotels though, and I also travled to Tunica once and West Virginia twice where I incurred hotel expenses. I have that under control now but the total spent on poker related hotels was $1924.38, mostly in the first few weeks. If we take that out of my profit we're left with a net of $8689.62, or a weekly average of $434.48.

So, if I'm bringing in money, why am I almost broke? If a guy budgeted his money properly, he could live on $434 a week. But I've never used a budget in my life. I know I need to, but I haven't done it. If a guy budgeted his time wisely, he could make more than $434 per week. I've never done that well either. So here is the problem. I spent more than $434 per week, and truth be told, I didn't play enough hours. Out of 140 days in those 20 weeks, I played only 97 days. Now that is almost 5 days a week, But I may have averaged 5 hours a day which means I only worked 24.25 hours per week. I try to not play when I'm stressed or mad or worried or hungry or whatever. In the name of bankroll preservation, I just don't play sometimes. Playing poker affords me the opportunity to work when I want, but frankly I can get quite lazy. But come on, 24 hours per week? What the fuck have I been doing? I should be putting in no less than 50 hours per week. If I did that, and even if my hourly went down and my take didn't precisely double, I'd bet I would have made an additional $300 per week. I may not have managed that $300 well, but that would have been an additional $6000 on my bottom line and even if I didn't have all of that right now, I certainly wouldn't be circling the drain as we speak.

So here's the thing. When I opened the spreadsheet, I was affraid to run the numbers because I was affraid I was gonna find out that I'm not the winning player that I believed I was. I just couldn't explain how I could be winning but be broke. But after I totalled it all out I was excited by my finding. I've often worried about whether there is even any money to be made in No Limit Hold 'em. Mike Matusow, a guy whose thoughts and opinons on the game of poker I greatly respect, has stated on many occasions that everybody knows how to play Hold 'em these days and there's no money to be made. With that statement I now have to disagree. I've been making consistent money at 1-2 NLH. I may be bad at managing time and life money, but my eyes are newly opened to a few key facts. I am not giving up. I am good at reading people, especially these moutain hicks in Cherokee, and I have what it takes to bring in the cash.

So what now? I know what I need to do. I know I need to work on self discipline. I need to spend less than I bring in at any cost. I need to keep track of the money I spend on food, gas, coffee and every damned thing else a guy on the road has to pay for. There are certain things I won't give up, I just need to get my ass into the poker room and stay my ass there for longer hours. I don't even have the money to play at the casino now, but I do have $350 on Full Tilt. My job for time being is to run that money up and cash out a stake for Cherokee. I have been working diligently on my HU SNG game and when I'm calm and I play slowly and deliberately, I crush the $11-$33 levels. I have a problem with hyperactivity and it comes out at its worst when I'm playing fast paced games. To combat this, I have the words "Slow" and "Deliberate" written on the desktop right next to the Full Tilt table. Good luck me.

If this doesn't work, and I go completely broke, God only knows what I'll do then. I don't know where I'd get a stake. This is about survival now. Please, wish me luck.

Kill by any means necessary
Win by any means necessary
Live by any means necessary
Die by any means necessary

Wintery Weather

2009-12-05T11:03:00.004-05:00

Unfortunately, last night didn't go too well. If I'd only held as an 11.5-1 favorite for that $173 pot, it wouldn't be so bad. The girl called on the K high flop with QJ, no pair, no draw, unless you call running diamonds a draw. What more can I ask for?

Fortunately, on the other hand, today has to be better. It's always a nice surprise to show up at the coffee shop, order my drink and have it be free. See, every tenth drink is free. On top of that, there's snow on the tress. There's not too much on the ground, everything's just wet. There are also tiny flakes of snow swirling around in the brisk air. It's still overcast and gray, which is a big plus as well. Sure, my head hurts and I'm all stuffy, but by many indications, today will be a better day.

I'll sit here for awhile and play online while looking out the window, and later I'll show up to work. I just need a hand or two to hold. I wish I had more to say today, but it's just the same old doodoo, plus the wonderful, wintery weather.

Snow Please

2009-12-04T11:13:00.003-05:00

Can we just get December over with? This promises to be the worst of my life. Whatever. I have a headache and I feel something stirring in my throat and sinuses. Please don't let me get sick. I'm sick enough as it is without some bug causing snotty chaos.

I'm sitting on a stool at Tribal Grounds Coffee facing out the window. The sky is gray today and it's cold out. The trees are leafless and dead looking. I just heard the proprietor of the coffee house and a patron mentioning that it's supposed to snow tonight. I love it. I'll never know why I'm so fond of gray, gloomy, cold, foggy, snowy weather, but I truely am in love with it.

Due to the feeling in my head I'm gonna spend a little time here playing online before I hit the poker room later. I'll check into my room around 3:00 and not long after I'll settle in for a long winter's poker session. I'm looking forward to a good weekend, let's hope I get what I need. I mean, even though I'd just as soon ignore the existence of Christmas this year, I would like to buy gifts for a few special people so I better get to work. Unless something out of the ordinary happens, I plan to stay at the tables for 8-12 hours tonight. Lol @ "out of the ordinary", as if what I normally do is ordinary...

Time to Focus

2009-11-24T13:10:00.002-05:00

I keep telling myself to post more regularly, but then I realize it's been twelve days since the last post. I suppose that I still don't know why anyone would give a shit about what I have to say or about my life story. I guess when I was in Vegas the story was a bit more interesting, but now I'm living in hotels in Cherokee, NC. How the hell did I get here? I think it's for a great reason but only time will tell.

Time... There's a concept I'm having more and more trouble with as it passes. I've already been in this situation way longer than I had anticipated. Time that I'll never get back is burning rapidly, much more rapidly than even I realize. Before January I was already feeling the heat of the passing of my life. And as I continue to tumble through this unlikely story, it's getting harder and harder to hold on.

The poker situation has been exceptionally volitile over the past couple of weeks. I took quite a dip, and now I'm clawing my way back. It is NEVER easy. I wish it could be easy for a month or so, but that's just doesn't seem to be in the cards. I'd really hoped to spend most of December in Vegas because I just can't bear the thought of being here. It's gonna be the toughest holiday season of my life. If I survive it will be a miracle. All it would take is one quick jerk of the steering wheel while speeding along I-40 and all my troubles would be over. Just kidding.

My turbulent life makes playing poker for a living overly difficult, but I was pretty focused this past week. Focus has always been the weakest aspect of my game but when I have a hold on it I see beyond the realm of the obvious and pick up things that others never see. I truely feel as though I can see right into the minds of my opponents. It's weird really, I only wish I could harness this ability all the time because I almost always have a winning session when I feel that way. Thursday was a good example.

I don't remember much about thursday's second session expect for one hand I'm particularly proud of. I limped with AQ from early position and six players saw the Q high, two diamond flop. The action checked to me and I bet $10. The small blind called and all else folded. The turn brought a blank and he checked. I bet $20, he called. The pot was $67 when the river brought the third diamond to the board. The guy wasted no time leading out for $50. At first glance, it appeared that he was drawing to and hit the flush, but I wasn't in a hurry to do anything. The obvious details circled my mind, such as the fact that he'd led, and for an amount that seemed high to me. After about 15 of my 45 seconds had ticked off the clock, I pressed the "call" button, but I didn't press the "confirm" button. See, every action must be "confimed" before it is locked in. So I sat there looking at the guy as my final 30 seconds were ticking and he did something that I could have only seen in my most focused state. He moved his right hand, the hand he used to press the buttons, and held it over the screen where the "call" button would appear had I raised him. I peeked right into the guys mind and saw exactly what he was thinking. See, he thought I was considering raising and he was ever so slightly trying to make it look like he was going to call if I did. About 4 seconds after he made that move with his hand I snapped the "confirm" button and he pointed at me in indication that I had the best hand. Our cards turned face up and he had A8 with which he had flopped second pair and a backdoor flush draw. This guy stayed on no less than three flops with a 25-1 backdoor draw within an hour. I felt very proud of that call. It didn't hurt my process that I've made the exact same move, though in competely different situations, such as to try to look like I'm gonna bet to try to get a free card. It probably works against some, but not against me.

So I had a decent week, upticking about $1000. It really is too bad that I had such a bad week or two just prior to this week. Otherwise I'd be in a much more comfortable spot. As it currently stands, I am not comfortable. If I could pad my roll with about $2000 more, I'd be able to relax just a little. I am trying to stay focused as well as motivated. I'll get there, I just wish I could get there in time to spend at least the last half of December far, far away from here. The desert is calling.

The Broken Hearted

2009-11-12T12:21:00.005-05:00

I woke up this morning in a hotel... big surprise since I've been living in hotels for 4 months... and I had Vegas on my mind. I noticed that the time I spent living there feels like a dream, as if it never actually happened. I'm not sure what sparked these thoughts. Maybe it was an association with the precise temperature and humidity level in the room, but I felt like I was outside the starbucks at the corner of Eastern Ave. and Horizon Ridge Parkway. That's where I got most of my coffee for the first 6 months. The view from the tables outside was magnificent and the feel of the air was something else during the winter months. I loved it. And even while I was there, the place felt like a fairytale, like a fantasy land. It was eerie. The sky seemed weird, the air felt strange, the whole atmosphere felt unreal. I felt that this morning.

A week ago I was craving non-electro poker. I wanted to touch cards and chips and have a dealer pitching my hands and pushing my pots to me instead of a computer. I decided to spend the weekend at the closest real poker room, Tri State Gaming Center in Nitro, WV. I drove up on friday and stayed as cheaply as possible at the Motel 6 right next to the casino. I'd heard some guys got busted running a meth lab in one of the rooms, I just hoped that it was over. The hotel sucked by the way and I'll never stay there again, I'd rather sleep in the streets.

The poker was ok but I ended up losing a little over a hundred bucks for the weekend. I was up most of the time but the key hand came near the end of the last night and that $500 swing would have left me up nicely. I had taken a walk and when I came back I was UTG. Rather than wait one hand I posted a straddle and after 4 limpers I looked down at KK. I popped the action by $20 and 2 called. Long story short, I bet $80 on the 9 high flop and got called by a flushdraw/idiot-end-inside-straight-draw. The board paired on the turn but that didn't deter the guy from calling my $129 all-in bet and getting there on the river. Bye-Bye pot.

I played hard all weekend putting in 30 hours for the three days. I didn't fool around much, I just got in there and put in hours. I did spend a bit of time searching for a birthday gift for my newfound, long lost daughter Drew though. That was an emotional experience to say the least. I mean, to most people it's just her birthday, but as I thought more about it, the meaning of the day of her birth engulfed my mind. I went through a flurry of emotions and feelings. The regret and the sense of loss was heavy. I may never get over the heartbreak of that.

My heartache was in good company for the weekend though. It was strange, but everywhere I turned in the poker room there was a sad story. I couldn't get away from it. It started early on saturday with a kid who was sitting at my table in seat one. I mean, his story isn't so sad now, but he was wearing a neckbrace and said he'd been in it for 3 months. The sad thing though was that when he was first injured, by what means I didn't catch, he was paralyzed from the neck down for three days. The doctors told him there was only a 50% chance he'd ever move again and he told us of the day he finally moved his arm. A nurse was holding a can of sprite for him to drink through a straw and witout warning his hand reached up for the can. He told of how he cried when it happened. The thing that touched me was the three days of horrific fear he must have lived through. It must have been tough.

On Sunday I sat in seat 9. They play 9 handed by the way. Across from me in seat 6 was a kid with a funny voice. He seemed like he struggled to talk and as a result stayed mostly quiet. I barely noticed it but he was wearing a scarf. After I'd played for about 30 minutes, a new player came into seat 7. He was an older man and he had a mechanical larynx, you know, one of those hand held devices that he holds against the top of his neck to talk. I guess he had cancer or smoething. But if he didn't hold the thing under his neck and tried to talk, which he did often, it was a pitiful sight, and sound. All that came out was a strained, harsh whisper. But get this, that's not the sad part of the story.

A new dealer came in and noticed the electrolarynx on the table. Because of a strict rule of the room that doesn't allow anything to be on the table, the dealer asked what the device was. The guy said that it was so he could talk and the dealer, embarassed, said, "Ok, I'll just shut up." Just after that, the kid with the scarf turned to the old man and said, "I used to have one of those. I had my trachea repaired last year in Boston." Upon saying these words, he pulled his scarf down to reveal an aweful scar on his throat. Then he just looked at the man, gave an understanding nod and said, "So I know." As he spoke I could read the pain on his face. He gave the old man a look that demonstrated to me that he was acknowledging to the man a secret type of pain that only they knew. I felt really sad for them. I don't know why they had this problem or why they shared this bond, and it doesn't matter. Seeing it punched me in the stomach. The beauty of poker however was demostrated clearly a few hands later when the two of them went hard after each other with the kid holding KQ against the old man's KK on a KQ flop. The stark contrast with the personal bond they shared versus the battle over a pot in poker was a thing of sick beauty.

There were other things I saw that weekend that for one reason or another I don't want to speak of here. One guy in particular, very quiet, looked like he had had a hard life. He was listening to a certain complaint from other players and he spoke up about how badly he missed what they were complaining about. He had a load of regret in his face that said the latter years of his life were heartbreaking and miserable. Regret was the overshadowing notion.

I guess the point of all this is that with each sad person I saw in that poker room, and there were many, I just couldn't stop thinking about my regrets. I couldn't stop feeling lost. I couldn't stop thinking of how life cheated me, although I played a large role in what happened years ago. It was all I could do to not tear up while browsing the mall, brainstorming a birthday gift for Drew. I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that I owe her 16 other birthday gifts. I won't take you further down this road right now. Suffice it to say that my soul is crushed by the loss of time and experience with Drew. I feel as though I'll cry, even if only on the inside, every day for the rest of my life.

On a brighter note, I returned to Cherokee on the following monday night and then on tuesday morning I hurriedly drove to Columbia to have lunch with Drew. By chance, her birthday fell on a day that school was closed so I picked her up in her driveway and we went to have our favorite burgers for lunch. Though I was worried about my gift, her eyes lit up and she seemed excited. She also seemed excited to see me which is hard for me to believe. She seems to really like me and that makes me feel great. Of course the double edge on that is that it makes me even sadder about the time I missed with her. Recently I told her that I was so sorry for the way things went down 17 years ago. Her response put things into a brighter prospective for me. She said, "Stuff happens. I'm just glad I'm here!" Believe me, I'm glad she is too.

SNBulls

2009-10-21T15:18:00.002-04:00

Geez, time's a flyin'. If you guessed that I'm still on top of the mountain, you'd be correct. I'm still here, pretending I'm in Vegas. Ahhh, Vegas. It's hard to live in the holy land and then not live there anymore. Cherokee, NC is far from the Mecca, but for now it has to do.

Life outside of poker is driving me bat shit. But inside my poker cocoon, all is calm. I'm still struggling a little with the roll, but what else is new. The good news is that the players in Cherokee, with the exception of a few that are really trying, have no clue as to how to handle a SNG. Tuesday is SNG day now. The buy-in is $100 + $15 (steep juice, I know) and the starting stack is 1500. The blinds start at 25/50 and go up every ten hands. This isn't as bad as it sounds. It's a little faster than a turbo, but not quite as bad as a super turbo. They pay 3 spots with 3rd getting $150, second $250 and first taking a top-heavy $600. I really feel like my edge is enough to overcome the 15% juice and make a profit. I mean, these guys are really bad. I watch as the most classic SNG mistake is made every single twirl with players limping during early levels with all sorts of KJ's and Q8's and so on. That's a killer, especially with this fast structure. After a few limps and one blind increase they find themselves severly short. More good news is that I hear them all talking about hop there is no skill involved and that these are just crap shoots. Weeeee, need I say more?

So last tuesday I went in with a strong attitude and a wish to win my very first SNG of the day. I arrived at the electro-poker room at around 11:00am and sat 1-2 while waiting for enough players to kick off the SNG. While in the cash game I doubled my $100 buy-in and when the tenth player signed up for the SNG I had a profit of $115 exactly. Well, upon reading that you know good and well that I had to have won the first one. I played as perfectly as I could and took it down for $600, a profit of $485, which put me up $600 for the day so far.

I ended up winning another one, taking thrid in one, and busting out of three. When all was said and done I was up $750 for the day. And believe me, I needed it. I then played SNGs again yesterday and after playing six with two third place finishes and chopping for first once, I was up a mere $35. I lost $19 in cash games so for the long, ten hour day I was up a whole $16. But that's the way these things go. I was very dissappointed in my last one when my KK got shot down by A8 to send me rail-bound in sixth place. Between fatigue and outside-of-poker stress, I just couldn't handle any more poker for the day.

The cash game has been hanging in there ok as well. Monday night saw me uptick $407 and the weekend brought small wins averaging $100 per day. I'm still managing free rooms and I'm keeping other expenses under better control than before. I still feel pressure and I'm struggling outside of poker, but the good that may come from it is worth every bit of the struggle.

I'll try to update more often here, I know I've been slack.

Lost and Found

2009-10-03T12:35:00.002-04:00

It's strange. I find money all the time. I find it on the ground and it's almost always what I'd consider unreturnable. I think I have a very fine tuned perception of my surroundings or something and so I see things that most people just walk by. For instance, I found three $5 bills rolled up on the casino floor the other day. Then, late a couple nights ago I was walking through the parking lot to my car and I saw a cold, wet $20 bill laying on the ground against a fence. I'd never be able to find the rightful owners in those situations so I consider that lost treasure and the finders keepers rule would apply. Today, however, I found something quite a bit bigger.

I woke up this morning in a king size bed inside room #220 at the Holiday Inn in Cherokee. After showering and moving out of what felt like my thousandth home in 11 weeks, I pulled out onto the road in route to Tribal Grounds Coffee for my morning usual. For ritualistic reasons, I didn't want to arrive at the coffee house as quickly as I was about to and so I made a right turn onto 441, drove across the bridge, and then made a U-turn to continue towards my destination. As I crossed the bridge for the second time I noticed something in my lane that looked like a wallet. I made another U-turn and drove back to take a closer look. I drove back by slowly and this time it didn't look like a wallet at all, but instead a book, like a day planner or such. As I made yet another U-turn, I said aloud that I'd stop anyway, snatch it up and try to find the owner.

I stopped in the middle of the highway, opened the car door and reached down and plucked the black, leather-like book from the asphalt. It had been run over by a few cars but all the contents appeared to be in place. And those contents were not what I expected to see. Right off the bat I saw $20 bills, but there were only 4 of them together with a few fives and ones. The I saw the bank envelope and I inventoried seven $100 bills. Yikes! This was no ordinary find; this was $800!

The thought of keeping the money and throwing the wallet over the bridge never entered my mind. I had the lady's drivers liscense, her social security card along with another person's social secuity card, a few credit cards, some business cards, insurance cards and so forth. It was then that I realised that today held a purpose for me, to get this lady back her wallet.

I pulled into the parking lot of Tribal Grounds and started my mission by taking a more detailed inventory of the items contained within the wallet. I was looking for a phone number. The last thing I wanted to do was to turn it in to the cops, fuck that. This was my case and I intended to solve it with all this lady's cash intact and accounted for. Once I couldn't find a phone number, I decided that Google would be my starting point. I tried to find the lady's phone number by searching her name and address but instead I found her Facebook. The trouble there was that I wasn't her friend so I couldn't see her info. I went beyond her to her friends but they all had their info hidden too. Damn, it was a dead end.

The next thing I did was call the casino. I figured the lady must have been there, especially since the bank envelope had "$1400" written on it and as I said already, it only contained $700. To me, that was a dead give away that the casino was involved, but when I spoke to them, they had no record of any of the names I had associated with the wallet. I gave the representative my name and number and she said she would continue to dig around.

I then went back into the wallet and found some business cards. One particular card would turn up a nice lead. It was for a title loan company and when I called I explained the situation and the lady told me that the wallet's owner was indeed a customer of hers. She wouldn't give me the lady's phone number but she got my info and said she would try to contact her. I hung up and waited.

In the mean time I thought about it more and figured the owner of the wallet must have been on a motorcycle. From that point on I kept an eye out for motorcycles in my vicinity with GA tags and I knew what the lady looked like from her ID and her Facebook profile pic. I also called Capitol One from the card in the wallet, but they weren't able to do what I wanted which was to contact the lady asap so I could return the items. They only wanted to fill out a lost card report and contact her later. Worthless.

About 30 minutes after talking to the lady at the title loan company I called her back. She said that she had called the wallet's owner and left a message, but knowing that the nature of her business leaves her with plenty of ignored phone calls, she decided to give me the phone number. I immediately called the number. She answered her cell and I asked if her name was Ms. X and she said yes. I asked if she lost her wallet, she said yes and I told her I had it. She was right around the corner and she and her companion drove right over and I returned the wallet safely and accepted a hug from Ms X.

It turned out that she was in a pick up truck, not on a bike. They had not been to the casino but were in fact looking for somewhere to elope. They had stopped at a gas station and were both on cell phones when she left her wallet on the tool box in the bed of the truck. They had gotten all the way to Maggie Valley before realising that the wallet was gone and then driving back to Cherokee in search of the wallet. The guy told me they had been praying for a good samaritan since they realised it was gone and I was glad I could be that guy.

The lady tried to offer me $40 but I wouldn't take it. It was a fun hour and a half for me. I served a purpose for these people and it felt good. And as I've learned, the reason for doing what I did is not to get something in return, I don't expect the universe to reward my good deed. I did it because it was the right thing to do. Mission accomplished.

Pulling Out of a Tailspin

2009-09-16T12:23:00.003-04:00

I've been a grump lately. Last week didn't go so well. I melted down a little and got so distracted that my roll took quite a dip. But I'm back; back at the grind. One of the hardest things in poker is to take hit for multiple buy-ins and then try to get your head back together and play knowing that the next week or so will be spent just recovering the losses. I had high hopes last week for upticking to a more comfortable level. I also wanted to build up the funds to drive to Vegas to gather the rest of my belongings that currently sit in storage. But to steer directly into a nose dive and stare directly into the face of oblivion was the order of the week and now I have to deal with it. I won't reveal the details of the meltdown, let's just be glad it's over. I bailed just in time. I descended the mountain, spent a little non-poker happy time, and then hit the boat in Little River for a night of 2-5 on the high seas. I then took another day and a half to not play and monday I drove back up to Cherokee and, feeling somewhat refreshed, got back on the horse.

Let me just say that if you haven't played poker on the SunCruz casino boat in Little River, don't bother. Oh my God, the dealer was HORRIBLE. The rake is maxed at $5 but I saw this dude double cut the pot more than once. I'm pretty sure I saw him forget to cut it a couple times too, but I mean, how hard is it? If the pot was big enough for the max rake on the flop, he would grab a red chip, place it on the slide, and then drop it immediately. Then, after the river came, he'd do it again. What the fuck? The dealer should never drop the rake until he pushes the pot. But the guy had all sorts of procedural problems. He just sucked really bad. I didn't say anything (surprise) but if I planned to ever go back I would have. I played so few pots that it didn't affect me that much. I got myself stuck about $230 at one point but managed to grind it back with a $47 profit. Nothing to write home about, but it sure was better than staying stuck. The other big problem, by the way, was that smoking was allowed. Enough said.

Monday night I played a hand that still baffles me. The cards brought a cooler but it was the play of one opponent known as King Kong that had be confused. There was a lot of limping going on and I don't mind that because most of the players don't consider it when they play the flop. They don't know just how bad top pair can be on a 7 way limped flop. Anyway, King Kong limped on my right and with about $120 I limped from the button with A6o. The flop came A86 with two diamonds and the action checked to Kong. He bet out $13 and I raised it to $30. I know this guy. He's solid. He always has a big stack. I heavily considered A8 as I put in my raise. And this guy knows me too. He called me "scary" the other day. He knows I don't fuck around and that I'm there for the money so I figured to find out really quickly how my A6 was doing. Surprisingly, the kid who was in the SB on my left called. I immediately gave him diamonds. It was the only thing the guy could have other than a set, but even this guy would have raised here to protect against the flush draw possibility. With an overcall on my left, I fully expected Kong to either fold or re-raise. When he called, I was confused a little, but one thing I did was take him off A8 immediately.

To further my confidence that I wasn't being coolered by A8, an A hit the turn. At this point I knew I was good. I knew the kid on my left had diamonds and I figured Kong, based on his earlier play with AJ, had a big A or even a diamond draw himself. They checked to me and I bet $25 knowing that I needed the draws to keep paying. The SB called and Kong suprised me with a raise to $60. AJ or AQ was my best guess and I shoved the rest in and the SB called again. Kong called.

When the diamond hit the river, the SB shoved and Kong called so quickly that sparks flew off his screen. I was dumb struck when his A8 appeared. I'm still confused by it. People playing in the next state knew the guy on my left was drawing to diamonds. How in the world could Kong flat call my raise on the flop? I guess he was just gambling on not seeing a third diamond. But then, when he made the nuts on the turn, he pulled a check-raise and risked losing the draw. Maybe I'm just pissed because if he'd re-popped me on the flop to protect his hand like a sane person I could have dumped my top/bottom pair. My stack was short and I know it would have seemd crazy to dump it, but not against Kong, who also knew he was playing against me. Oh well, it caused a losing session. But I would not be discouraged.

So here I am at Tribal Grounds, the coffee shop in Cherokee. It's raining outside. The sky is grey and the clouds are hanging very low. I can almost reach out and touch them. I love that. I only wish it were snowing. I sank $167 that first night, but yesterday I pulled in $282. I seem to have my confidence back; it had waned somewhere in the smoke and confusion of last week. I was in a very special mindset last week. I lost all control and I even had one foot in the car ready to drive directly to Las Vegas. It was cloudy and dark inside, but I'm back now.

I played three sessions yesterday. Considering the latest state of my bankroll I've been hitting and running a little. I feel it neccessary at the moment and I have to do what I have to do. If I were to go broke right now, and I don't plan to by the way, I have no idea what I'd do. But let's not talk about that because it isn't going to happen. I own this game and my little puppets shall continue to pay me for a long time to come. I just have to keep the war against myself at bay and play the game the way it needs to be played. Get the money, that's it.

Pokering

2009-09-03T11:11:00.002-04:00

What can I say, it's been a bit since I posted. Yooooo 11 days to be exact. Oh, that's a craps reference for those who don't gamble. I used to. Boy am I glad I don't anymore.

I was still in West Virginia when I last posted. To report the results of that 4 day trip is disappointing as I ended up ahead only $29. The problem is that hotel expenses added up to $356.71, plus I paid $12 in tolls on I-77, so for the trip I was down $339.71. On the last night I lost a big pot to a 3 outer. I flopped a straight and the guy had top pair and a gutshot. I bet $10, he shoved for $150 and I made the obvious (to me at the time against this guy) call with the second nut straight. He hit one of the other three sixes. The casino was closing 30 minutes later and I was leaving the next morning so I had to accept the loss for the weekend.

Obviously, I've made back those losses. I've been in Cherokee most of the time since I returned from WV and I've upticked about $1380. Gas, hotels and food continue to wreak havoc on my take, but I'm working on streamlining the operation. I'm cutting expenses and spending more time at the tables and I feel like I'll be building my roll a bit more efficiently over the next few weeks. The game here continues to be easy to manage and it appears that I'll still be getting free mid-week hotel stays through the middle of October so the only thing that could stand between me and a growing roll is my own mood and self discipline. Those two beasts are tough, but I'm trying really hard to focus.

Yesterday, after wildly throwing the virtual chips about for an hour and getting myself stuck $150, I calmed down and focused. I bought in for another hundo and ran it up to $285. I then took a break for dinner and returned at about 9:30 pm. I was completely focused and tuned in. I was making some scary reads and some agressive bets. I once made a big call on the river and King Kong, an asian guy who's become a regular, told me I was a scary dude. He in fact is scary so that was a decent compliment.

I'm not sure, but I'm considering a break this weekend. I feel like I need to recharge a little. I'm getting tired. I've been on the go for weeks and maybe I need to sleep for a couple days. Saturday is a big night for the poker room here, but I really don't seem to do any better than I do mid-week so I don't see much difference in when I take a break. The big plus to breaking over the weekend is that I don't have a free room. Yep, that decision just got made as I typed that. If I can get myself to take a break at all, then the weekend is when I'll do it. But no matter how tired I get, I do have a tough time dragging myself away. Who knows, we'll see.

3(AK)

2009-08-23T12:31:00.002-04:00

I played 2 sessions yesterday here in WV. I started about 3:15pm and stopped at around 7:30 to have dinner. Wait, can Burger King be called dinner? What the fuck am I doing to myself out here on the road? Anyway, I then left the hotel and headed back to the casino at around 10:30pm. I'd broke about even for the earlier session finishing +$18 and I was feeling pressured to make some money for the night.

The first hour or so was pretty uneventful seeing me drift down about $40, so I reloaded a hundge. Then a guy who seemed quite frustrated sat across the table from me and he was under the gun for his first hand. He just went ahead and shoved for $71 blind. He got walked and that seemed to calm him down ever so slightly, but not all the way. He went on to double up, then go broke and reload. Then I looked down at KK in middle position. Well obviously I limped since Mr. Frustrated was on the button and of course he raised to $12. Two guys called and when it got back to me I bet $60, almost the pot. I have a tendency to make pot-sized bets when I have a monster. The action folded back to the guy and after a small amount of consideration he moved in for $110. Then the unexpected happened. The guy in the small blind really toiled over what to do with his hand. He was in for $12 and he did not want to fold. Finally he put in $110 and I called. I had $26 left but didn't bother with it because the dealer had mistakenly said the raise wasn't complete. She was wrong by $2. I didn't want to have the conversation so I just put in my last $26 before the flop came down. I think it was J high, then the turn was an ace and who could remember the river after that turn hit? I was good and drug in the $390 pot. The SB showed TT by the way, and the frustrated guy threw his cards revealing one Q. He said he had QQ.

A bit later, The most interesting hand I've seen in awhile came down. You may not think so, but I think so, so there. A guy had sat on my right. He was a regular and I could tell he played alot. He saw a few hands and then I saw him eyeball my stack and then reach into his pocket, pull out 6 greens and add them to his $150 or so in red. This brought his stack above the table max of $200 but this is an infraction that I would rarely call out. Besides, he was on my right.

So a few hands go by and I find myself under the gun with AK and $340 in my stack. The guy on my left was not a very good player. He was making senseless calls but had managed to run his stack up to almost $300. I limped in with the AK for a variety of reasons. One, I refuse to get married to this hand and I want to see the action from the rest of the table. I feel like limping UTG is like having preflop position in a way because I get to see what the rest of the table does before I commit more than $2 to the pot. If someone raises I can play accordingly from there. If no one raises, then I can easily dump this piece of shit hand when I don't smack the flop. I'm also in a postion to represent a monster with which I limped UTG.

So the guy on my left raised to $7 and then a number of players called. I can't remember how many, but $7 was small for this table and I'd guess it was around 5 calls. Then the guy on my right, the regular player with $300 in his stack, made a play that caused concern. He pulled back his BB and flug 4 greens into the pot. That's $100 for those unfamiliar with chip colors. If I had been at all interested in this pot before this guy shot $100 into it, I was certainly intrigued now. I looked at the guy and imagined what he could possibly have. I looked at all the limps and imagined what kind of stuff was out there. I didn't calculate too much, but my gut told me what to do. I had earbuds in, though they were paused. I looked at the dealer, held up three fingers and said "three." I promply placed, one by one, three stacks of red across the line. I just knew this guy didn't have AA or KK. I knew I hadn't played a hand since he got there and I knew he knew that because he was paying attention. I was banking on this type of pressure from my UTG limp and his initial assement of me to make him muck his JJ or QQ or whatever steal he was attempting. And really, I thought he was stealing.

What happened next was completely unexpected and quite disappointing, yet very exciting. The guy on my left, after a bit of agonizing, called for $286. Fuck me. This just went wrong. Obviously I wanted everyone to fold and allow me to pick up that money, including the 4 greens. As I watched all the callers of the $7 fold, I just calmed down. The money was in and there was nothing I could do about it. Plus, I wanted to appear confident because we still had the little matter of the guy who made it $100. Did I mention how exciting this situation was? And ever since I'd made the $300 bet, the guy who made it $100 was in agony. He was certainly leaning toward folding. I know I represented what I wanted to represent. Now that I got called, I REALLY wanted this guy out. I don't wanna be sitting there with A fucking K in a 3 way, all-in-pre-flop $1000 pot.

So when it got back to the guy, he picked up his cards so the guy on his right could see his quandary, and then, after alot of head shaking, flung his very own AK into the muck. The moment of truth had finally arrived. I normally don't show my hand until the river, but this pot was special. And my opponent wasted no time in turning up HIS VERY OWN AK! I tabled my AK and we watched as the board almost gave me a flush, but in the end called for a chop. We took our $286 back and then split the guy's $100, plus several $7 calls.

Though I usually don't discuss hands with players at the table, this one was cause for about an orbit's worth of chit chat. The guy on my right said he was certain I had AA and the guy on my left futilely tried to defend calling off $286 with AK to the $100 3-bet and a $300 4-bet. I never criticized anyone's play but I certainly feel like the guy on my left was out of his mind. I think the guy on my right did what he should have done by folding, especially after the other guy called. But most importantly, I like my play. I limped to give myself position in a raised pot, and to be able to dump the hand on the flop in an unraised pot. I don't care how many times I'm dealt AK. In a cash game, there is no reason I have to play any certain hand. If I'm scared of a hand such as JJ, or AK or AQ, I'd just pitch it. Of course I'm not scared of those hands, but you get the point. I wouldn't even be opposed to open folding AK UTG in certain games. I don't do it, but I could see reason for it. This hand was just very interesting because we all three had AK and we all three had multiple decisions to make throughout the preflop round. Some decisions were based on the actions of others, and some, in the case of the guy on my left, were made based solely on the absolute strength of 2 cards. I limped, my left raised, my right reraised, I rerasied, my left called, and then my right folded. If one so chose, he or she could think very deeply about this hand.

So, by the end of the night I was ahead $298. I'm in the black for the trip and the hotel is paid for through tonight. I'm gonna get a refill on this coffee and then head over to play session #1 for the day. I'm looking forward to smooth sailing but that's a rare bird in poker. Hopefully, after the smoke clears, I'll come out ahead.

Nitro, WV

2009-08-22T12:47:00.002-04:00

Yikes, has it really been two weeks since I posted? A lot has happened in two weeks but I'm not so sure any of it is worth writing about. I learned a lesson for the thousandth time which is the same old "Don'y play poker when you're stressed and unfocused."

I was in cherokee this past week. I arrived friday night and though I was exhausted I managed to grind out $230. But I dropped it on saturday and sunday, only to come back for a $700 win by the end of wednesday. On monday, I was ultra focused and very calm, something I hadn't been over the weekend. I tuned in and every word spoken at the table was run through my internal analyzer and I repeatedly made excellent decisions. Though the pot was small, I folded when a guy rivered a set. I held 77 in the 4 way pot and the flop was Q65. Being first, I checked, and it checked around. The turn was a J. I checked and it checked to the button who is a nice enough guy but very talkative. He said, "Well I have a pair," and bet $10. Knowing that meant he had a pair smaller than my 77, I called and the other two folded. The river brought a 4 and I checked. He spoke, "I stil have a pair," and swiftly bet $25. I thought about it and said, "You have 2 pair now." He matter of factly said, "I do not have 2 pair." I knew, without a doubt, the river hepled him. I thought until I was almost out of time and he said something about me not having a pair bigger than fives and I told him I was indeed folding sevens. I folded and showed and he showed me the 44. The pot was small, but I was very pleased with my read. I went on to scoop $364 for the night.

Today, I coming to you from a place I've never been. I'm actually in the cafe of a place called Taylor Books on Capitol St. in Charleston, WV. Yesterday I decided to make the drive up here to check out the Tri-State Racetrack & Gaming Center. They have a poker room with 23 tables and last night the joint was packed. There were probably fifteen 1-2 games along with a couple 2-5 NLH, a 2-5 NL Omaha Hi game, 1-5 seven stud, and the usual low limit hold 'em games. In my opinion, the game here is great. I only played 4 hours, but I am anxiously anticipating getting back in there in a few minutes. The players were about what I expected and there was no shortage of action. To give a little clue, I popped it to $12 with KK and got 7 callers. SEVEN CALLERS! Facing a $10 bet with 2 callers into the $96 preflop pot on a J64 flop, I flung 4 greens onto the felt and only got called by a $35 all-in with only a gutshot. I drug it.

The night wasn't all smooth sailing, mind you. I did get in for $400, starting with only $100. I got hit the hard way by a 12 outer on the river and paid my last $30. That hand was my mistake as my raise on the turn gave the guy 3-1 for a call. My bad. Then I flopped 2 pair against the most aggressive player at the table. I'd posted from the cut-off and the button made it $12. I was the 4th and final caller with K9. The flop sprang Kc9h2h and we checked to the button. He bet $40, the other two folded, and I called. The turn brought the 7c and I checked it knowing full well he was shipping. He slid his last $110 in and I obviously beat him into the pot. The river brought a club and he showed Jc9c for the backdoor flush. Send him the $390.

Obviously, the game being great, I just reloaded a hundo and grinded myself up from $150 to $512 before finally calling it a night. The game is great, the game is great, the game is great. I can't wait to get back ther today. I intend to play a long one, well into the night. Unless I get terribly unlucky, I can't imagine not winning at least half a dime. I'll be here tomorrow as well and really, It's not been decided exactly when I'll leave. I could get used to being here as a matter of fact.

As has always been my problem, I'm not playing enough poker. Of course, spending 80 hours a week at the tables will probably never be my style. But I do need to keep at it. I am torn of course, because I just stated earlier that I've been making the mistake of playing while upset or frustrated at life. Fortunately, I have been feeling much more secure about certain matters in my life over the past couple of weeks and I'm a bit more relaxed. The emotional roller coaster I live on is tossing me about a little less vigorously than usual and I'm relieved. All is not perfect, but in time I think it will be close.

Road Update

2009-08-08T10:56:00.002-04:00

I need to win more at poker. But is that ever going to not be the case? I'm doing well right now, quite well actually. But it's just never enough. I'm living an expensive lifestyle. Hotels just aren't cheap, and even when I'm not in a poker town I'm paying for hotels. I'm not complaining, I just need to make more.

I'm back in Cherokee, NC for this weekend. Last night I paid $89 for the Econo Lodge and I pulled down $333 at the table. Tonight I'll pay the same. The game wasn't as fishy as normal, but as I've said in the past, even the best players in this room are easy to manage. I knew the moment I sat down I'd be profiting when the conversation amongst my foes was about gambling. I listened to the absurdities regarding blackjack and such for a few minutes, silently disagreeing with almost every word, and figured out who I was playing against. The recon continued for several more minutes and the rest became history, a $333 uptick. The battle always begins with recon. These guys tell everything. If they're a regular, they let you know. If they haven't a clue, they let you know. One guy actually tried to figure the odds of hitting his 12 outer after I pushed him off the hand. He said alound that 12 cards would have helped him and 28 wouldn't have, making him a 2.5-1 dog. 40 cards? Where did he come up with 12 + 28 cards? There's 47 cards left pal, but just keep counting. At one point, a regular told another regular to look at all the "sharks" at another table. Though I shouldn't have, I looked right at the guy and said, "That's what I love about this room, that those guys are the sharks." An old guy took offense and asked if I was gonna make fish out of them. I commented no further.

The Tunica trip was fun. I truely enjoyed sitting at the real poker tables. And though I was frustrated and played unfocused for a short period, overall I played the game the way I needed to in order to win. When I started the day saturday, I was down $362. But I found my rhythm that day and plowed through sunday to make a total win of $421. It needed to be better, but I'll take it. After subtracting for the hotels though, my uptick was a mere $93.30. Of course I used gas and ate, so I guess I broke about even. Had I stayed longer, I surely would have pulled out further ahead, but I had more important things to do.

My phone is being a bitch up here in the wilderness and I have a sniffely thing going on, like a sinus infection or something. But aside from that, life is good at the moment. Even my personal life outside of poker is going great. It's not perfect yet, mind you, but the path is open and everything is going to work out. I know that sounds uncharacteristically optomistic coming from me, but it's how it is right now. Even the sinus thing is subsiding. So I think I'll order a second coffee and head over to the poker room and get this thing started for today. I'm looking for about $500, so let's go do work.

Jumping Jacks

2009-08-02T18:26:00.002-04:00

What ever happened to the jumping-jack? Does anyone do those anymore? I mean, if it was once a good exercise, why wouldn't it be now? I just did 200 of them along with some push-ups and crunches. I know that doesn't sound too typical of me, but I'm feeling like I wanna be in better shape. And last night, instead of an expected choice of late night food, I ordered a fruit bowl. Incidentally, I did follow it up with a huge brownie, which is made even more silly by the fact that I usually don't eat that type of thing. Oh well, at least the fruit got in there.

I haven't posted anything in over a week and the main reason for that is the fact that where I am, I have to pay $13 for 24 hours of internet. Oh, didn't I mention? I'm in Tunica, MS. I decided a couple weeks ago that I would come out here for a bit while the World Poker Open is being held at the Gold Strike. I drove in last wednesday and checked into a room at the Horseshoe. By the way, the Horseshoe sucks. The room was dirty. There was lint all over the pillows, all the fixtures were dusty, the toilet seat was broken, the water pressure in the shower was crappy, and the lady at the front desk was about as rude as they come. I was expecting "southern hospitality." Forget it. After two nights, I moved to the Gold Strike. I'm paying $25 more per night, but at least the room doesn't have any visible cooties.

The roughest part of the trip has been the poker elevator I've been on. The first night I lost $400, then the next afternoon I got it all back. Then, that night, I lost $350. I broke even the next day after 9 hours and then yesterday I got back. Today, I'm up $166 so far. If you count the hotels and the gas, I'm slightly down. I feel like the games have been very manageable though, I only wish that my emotional state was as well. That's my biggest leak. I allow things outside of poker to affect me at the table. It pretty much started thursday afternoon and I wasn't even close to stable again until yesterday. But if I didn't play poker, I'd have gone nuts thinking and worrying about my non-poker problems. With the way things are in my life right now, there's no way I can be emotionally stable. Winning at poker is like a drug though. It does give me what I need when other parts of my life don't. The only problem is, winning isn't always available, and losing makes me feel worse than the other shit did in the first place. It's a tough proposition, but I have to take it.

So I sprang for the $13 for WiFi and I'm in my room at the Gold Strike at the moment. I played a really good session earlier and then I came here for a break. I feel quite clear headed now and I'm gonna head back down to the tables in just a bit. I need to be asleep by midnight at the latest tonight for I want to start driving away from here by 7:00 tomorrow morning. After that, I'm not sure what's in store for me. I'll most likely be back in Cherokee soon, snatching video chips from dumb ass country people who can't even read the board. God love 'em.

Ok, let's go find out if this trip will have been worth it in the end. Wish me luck.

Back up the Mountain

2009-07-25T19:31:00.003-04:00

Yo. It's saturday evening, 7:30pm. I arrived back up on the mountain about 2 hours ago, checked into a room, and took a lovely, hour-long nap. I'm over at the coffee house now and soon I'll be heading over to the poker room. I haven't played in two days. I needed a break and what not, but now I'm back.

During the two weeks spanning from thursday 7-9 until wednesday 7-22, I played 11 days. I won every single day. My total uptick from poker was $2592, making my average daily win $235.63. I did have quite a few expenses. I stayed at Harrah's for 4 total nights for free, and was also comped 3 nights at area hotels. I stayed at home one night but I payed for a hotel the other 6 nights. I obviously had to eat and I put 2000 miles on my car during that time (that's a long story). But over all I'm definately swimming in a pool of profit.

It feels good to be back in action. I have a small bankroll built up now and I only plan to increase its size. It feels good to be out of G-vegas for the moment and it feels good to occupy my mind with things productive. The trunk of my car is packed with enough clothes and such to last about two weeks. If I stay gone longer then I could always hit a laundromat. I have all I need and who knows where I may actually end up over the next couple weeks. I'm stomping the game and I want to continue doing so.

It's now that time... time to find out if I can make it 12 winners in a row and keep the streak going. Wish me luck. Up the Irons!!

Distraction Needed

2009-07-19T16:46:00.003-04:00

Well, the mountain continues to be good to TheTrooper97. I have now won 8 days in a row. Last night had the potential to be a loser, but in the end I pulled out ahead by $350. It just doesn't matter how long one goes without playing a hand, when the chips go in, there always seems to be somebody to call.

Today, I'm feeling anxious. I got up early and left the hotel with Floppy McBluff and company and we hit the poker room for a few hours. I enjoyed having those two around yesterday as I was getting a little lonely up here, but now they are gone and I'm on my own once again. I shouldn't complain, what with all the winning going on, but honestly I'm getting depressed. This may all be taken care of very soon, but today I'm freaking out a little. I drove down to Asheville to clear my head and I'm at Starbucks now. But maybe I just need to get back up there and get into a game. Poker seems to be the only thing keeping me together at the moment. Otherwise I'm beginning to fall apart. Hopefully I can keep it together for just a little longer.

I do have a complaint about Cherokee. They have a rule against the use of any electronic devices at the tables. I don't know the real reason, all I know is that it sucks. I really need my iPod and if you ever play up here you'll see why. To listen to these people speak is like taking a very sharp knife right in the ear. Add to that the continuous, mannerless chomping of ice and I just can't take much more. I took the iPod in a couple times with the intention of plugging in and pulling up a hood, but I haven't tried it yet. The worst thing is listening to the regulars talk. I won't even go into it, but they are dumb as hell. Simple is the word. I mean, the winners in this room are horrible players. It's really hard to describe. I think it's because poker is so young in Cherokee, but I'm not sure. And this is why I'm crushing the game, I just don't want to listen to them the entire time. Obviously my priorities are straight since I'm still playing, I just wish I could go inside the iPod for some of the time.

Anyway, this update is a little empty, but I just wanted to type a little soemthing out and try to forget why I'm plumeting into depression at the moment. I shall be cautious when I get back into a game later. If things don't seem to be going well I'll consider my mood and maybe call it an early night. I'm even for the day so far by the way.

Well, wish me luck. I'm trying to grow a brand new roll here.

TGIF

2009-07-17T11:27:00.002-04:00

Ok, it's friday. I don't wanna pump it up too much but tonight shall be quite a busy one for Harrah's Cherokee. That's right, I'm still here. How could I not be? Including last night, I've had 6 winning days in a row. I just haven't had a loser yet. Last night was good for $455. It truely is like taking candy from a baby. Really, I need to stop reporting such good results from here. I don't need a bunch of G-vegas knuckle heads invading on my gold mine.

I just checked out of the Harrah's hotel after a complimentary night's stay and I have to tell you, I don't remember the rooms being so nice. And of course the best part was the price. Now I'm at Tribal Grounds Coffee sipping on a triple 1/2 moon moka. 1/2 moon refers to the medium, 16oz size. I love this coffee. It's almost perfect, and I can't tell you why it's not perfect, it's just that I think perfect is impossible.

I plan to chill here for a bit and play a few 18 man SNGs on Stars before I make my way back to the casino. I intend to play for a long while today and then I'll have to figure out where I'm sleeping tonight. I don't have a room and I'm trying not to fork over $100+ for one. If I do well I'll probably get a room, or perhaps I'll just drive back home, sleep, and then drive back up tomorrow. If that happens I'll definately get a room saturday night. As for sunday, well I discovered a little secret that should give me a decent chance at a free room at Harrah's that night. I'll let you know how that works out.

Though I still have a lot going on in life outside of poker and money, it feels good to be back on the grind. I'm not sure how long it will last, this has by no means been chosen as a long term proposition. But I can't say. For the moment, I'm trying to keep my mind off of things that have been eating me alive and I feel so relieved. If I think hard about those things, I'll go nuts. So, poker is my baby sitter, and as a bonus, I'm killing the game. As for tonight, I'm shooting for my biggest win yet. I plan to get some food in a bit and then get myself into a game.

Gl me.

On Tribal Grounds

2009-07-14T11:06:00.003-04:00

What day is it? Oh yea, tuesday. Last post I mentioned that I hadn't been home since thursday. Well, I still haven't been home. I've spent most of my time in Cherokee and I'm still here. I'm currently taking advantage of 3 free hotel stays. The offer was for an area hotel as opposed to the main Harra's hotel, and I've been shuffled back and forth between the Econo Lodge and the Best Western, but the rooms are clean and very nice.

I'm just continuing to play in the poker room and I haven't had a losing session yet. Since I started on thursday, my four days have finished with wins of $136, $44, $307, and $238. I really need it to continue moving in this direction. Sure, I got it in behind three times yesterday and pulled through, but that's all part of the game.

I am still undecided about the drive to Vegas but after checking my offers at Harrah's online, I realize that I have plenty of free room offers over the next month, so I really don't have to be in a hurry. Right now, the plan is to keep milking the teet of the Cherokee electro-poker room. There are some real fish to be had up here, and I'm grabbing my share.

I just found a coffee house in Cherokee by the way. It's called Tribal Grounds Coffee and I have to say, I'm impressed. It takes a lot to impress me these days and it hasn't happened in quite awhile. These guys roast their own beans, and they handle the espresso in a more traditional manner than the modern, Starbucks-esque, fully automatic machines. I like to see a barista grinding and tamping espresso by hand. I have experience in this field and I worked hard to perfect my techniques, and I recognize when others are striving for excellence. The menu is creative, and on the bottom line, my drink tastes great. I feel like a certain level of care is being taken to create a coffee just for me, and that is worth as much as flavor. It presents a certain feel of quality. Until the day I own a coffee house or at least live in a town with a similar house to this one, I'll likely always be a Starbucks customer, drinking their industrialised version of what should be a special coffee drink, individualy handmade, one by one. But at least now, when I'm in cherokee, I can enjoy what originally made me so passionate about coffee.

So now, I'll order a brewed coffee and head over to the poker room to do my noble work, relieving poker players and gamblers alike of there disposable cash. I intend to play hard today and after the best sleep I've had in weeks, I feel ready. I actually feel empowered by the coffee experience I just had as well. I can't wait to visit this place in winter. Wish me luck kids.

This is Now

2009-07-11T14:42:00.003-04:00

Thank God, I have my car back. It's nothing special, mind you, but it's mine. I've been without it for several weeks now due to the need for $1200 in repairs. The thing has taken me everywhere since December of '03 including an 18 hour drive through an ice storm from Myrtle Beach to New York to see Maiden, as well as to Vegas and back. I've splept in it, and I've regained my sanity on numerous occasions while just speeding it along America's highways. It's only a base model Chevy Cavalier, but as I said, it's mine.

I picked her up thursday from the garage on Poinsette Highway in G-vegas. I drove it straight home, grabbed an already packed bag with a few day's worth of clothes and my laptop and off I went. Today is saturday and I haven't been home yet. I've slept in two different hotels in two different states and tonight will most likely be no different. And get this. Next week, I may just drive her back to Vegas to pick up the rest of my stuff from storage. If I do decide to make the 6 day trek, BadBlood will be in vegas from wednesday through sunday and we will definately hit a Steel Panther show.

So, where did I end up on thursday after hitting the road in TheTrooperMobile? I'm glad you asked. I decided to drive up the mountain to Cherokee to hit Harrah's electronic poker room. The state won't allow the casino to have cards, but thanks to the good folks at PokerTek Inc., they now have a poker room. I parked the car and walked directly to the room. I deposited $300 onto my players card and then loaded $100 onto a 1-2 NL table. I immediately began working, watching every player and listening to the things they said. As is my standard, I needed to know who knew who, who was a regular, who was a grinder, who was a dumb redneck gambler, who was up, who was down, etc. The buy-in is $100-$300 and there were stacks from $40 all the way up to $600.

I folded the first 5 or 6 hands and then on my first button I was dealt 77. Now, I bought in for only $100 for several reasons. One of those reason is so I could comfortably make this play. After several limpers, I limped from the button, and then the SB made a pure-silly raise to $6. Then the key to the hand took place. As expected, 4 players called before it got back to me. When the action reached me the first time around, the pot held $9, not nearly enough to try and take. But now, the second time around, the pot was up to $32, and my stack was $96. Had I called and saw the flop 6 ways and flopped my 8-1 set, then yes, I could have gotten a bigger pay-off. But I chose to make the obviously +EV shove and took the pot without a flop. I knew that no one would call, and if they did I was probably flipping at worst and with the dead money in the pot, shoving my small stack to increase it by 33% was by far the best play. I make the same play from early position with AK. I would prefer a raise to $12 and 3 calls so I can steal $48. The point is, I shove and give myself two ways to win the pot. If they all fold, I win. If one doesn't give me credit for a hand and calls, then lets flip with dead money in the pot. In the end, I win either way. That play is not so much about poker, but +EV gambling. There are times when I feel strongly that a guy has a monster and I don't make the play, and therin lies a little poker. But really, it's all about reaching out there and grabbing the free money.

A bit later, the button raised to $7 and I had limped early with 10s7s. I called as did several others. The flop dropped 10c9c7c. The board sucked, but I was in the mood to gamble and make my 2 pair be the winner. I checked and seat 9, who had proven himself inept, bet out $20. Seat 1, who had established himself as a grinder, called and told his buddy to his right that he was stuck in this hand and allowed the guy to peek over and see his cards. I watched this very closely and though I didn't know exactly what he had, I knew by his comment that he was none too happy about the fact that he was "stuck in the hand." I knew he liked the absolute strength of his hand, but I also realised he was affraid of the all important relative strength of his hand due to the suited, 6 way flop. So the action came to me and feeling totally unaffraid of seat 9 calling me, I used my image to demostrate a monster to seat 1. I shoved for $120.

Seat 9 took no time to call off his remaining $80 or so. But next came the moment of truth. The action was back to seat 1 and he appeared stricken with grief over the fact that he may have to fold his made hand. He then said aloud that he flopped a straight, but I knew he was gonna dump it. He was fairly solid and I had just check raised my whole stack and another guy snap-called. I knew that he knew that I hadn't played many hands. After about a minute, his hand was flung into the virtual muck.

The tables automatically turn up the cards when players are all-in and seat 9's cards revealed the Ac and a 9 for a pair and the nut flush draw. This gave him 9 clubs, 3 aces and two 9's to beat me. That's 14 outs which made me about 51%-49%. I faded and all the monies appeared directly in front of me.

A few hands later, the button raised to $10. He seemed to do this on his button frequently. I called from the SB with AQ and we saw the flop 5 ways. The pot was $50 when the flop came JT5. The action checked to the button and he made a dreadful mistake. He bet a measly $10. Why he didn't just announce to the world that he'd missed, I'll never know. So now, knowing that he most likely had shit, I still had 3 players behind me. The pot was $60 and it was $10 to me. Getting 6-1, I decide to call and if anyone else stayed, then I'd decide what to do on the next card. If anyone check-raised behind me, I'd fold, but if they all folded, then it'd just be me and the guy with nothing and the pot would be mine. I could also hit a 10-1 shot with a K for the nut straight.

The best case happened when the other 3 players folded. The turn brought another J to the board and I checked. The button then reiterated his declaration of having missed by betting $15 into the $70 pot. I decided to reveal my fake strength and rasied it up to $45. He called quickly and I figured the guy must have AK or something. The river came a 7 and I led out for $60 into the $160 pot and he frustratedly snap-folded. I win. Gimme all the money.

My stack had grown to about $380. Then I drew in a big pot and missed a straight and then I called off way to much money with top pair and found myself right back where I had begun the session at $100. I was pissed, but I wrote it off to having my head out of the game for too long and I grinded back up to $236 before feeling totally spent. I left the casino and slept in a Days Inn somewhere along I-40 in NC.

I haven't been home since I left early thursday afternoon. I did leave the mountain, but as I type this, I'm sitting in a Starbucks in Ashvelle, NC, on my way back up the mountain. The game is easy there. The players I encountered were not very creative and really didn't seem to know where they were. They basically just played cards. I ran quite a few bluffs in small pots and every single one worked making it known to me that my read is strong. My intention tonight is to pull together all the funds I can for my possible trip next week. I'd love to have a little stake to put in a few sessions in Vegas.

Lately, I have become emotionally exhausted. There's a lot going on in my head and in my heart. What tomorrow will bring, I do not know. But right now, I'm going to try to live tonight, and tonight only. I tend to drive myself crazy at times, I just need to clear my head and go into Harrah's and hurt some people's bankrolls. This is now. This is now.

This is now...

You pulled me up from the dream
Let's compare scars you and I
You are always on my mind
I will never leave you behind

The Poker

2009-06-29T11:30:00.003-04:00

Yo. It's 11:29am monday morning and I'm in an unlikely Starbucks. Who knows how I actually found myself here, but I am here, and I like it. I'm having today's first taste of the life that coffee breathes into me on a daily basis. I love it, but yesterday I got a little shaky and I'm beginning to wonder if I'm overdoing it. Then again, I could have been shaky for a number of reasons I wouldn't know about since I haven't seen a doctor in about 18 years. Perhaps soon I will go get checkd out. "That won't be neccessary Doc, I assure you my prostate is fine..."

I'll tell you what I need. Poker. I need about 4 days sitting around a poker table with a dimepiece (money, not a hot chic), preferably in Vegas, but anywhere I can find an above ground game. I just feel the need to multiply said dimepiece. I worry that my brain has been turned to mush during the last 3 months, but there's only one way to find out. I'm gonna work on it and get back to you.

For the time being, while I search for a job and what not, I'm grinding away at small stakes 18 man SNGs on Stars. It's definately a +EV situation, but I have no idea what my long term ROI would be. The thing is, even if it was a soaring 10%, then my expected value from each $6.50 SNG would only be $0.65. And therein lies the problem with low stakes SNGs, for me at least. I generally 4 table, and the average time to win one seems to be around the 45 minute range. Of course, my profit would come from every one that I play, not just the winners, so including the ones from which I bust out early, I'm not sure of the average time spent in each SNG. Anyway, if we were to estimate the time at 20 minutes per tourny and I keep 4 tables going, then I would be making $7.80 per hour. Hmmm, now that I think about it, that's not so bad for $6.50 SNGs. The real problem is that I'm estimating a lot here and I don't have nearly enough of these behind me to figure a reliable ROI figure. Whatever.

I'm not really being disciplined about grinding online. My mind is consumed by other things. But hopefully, soon I'll be a bit more settled and I can I'll be able to focus just a little more on bettering my game and my position in the world of poker. I've invested way to much time and effort to just cast it aside completely. I'm ok with the way it is now, I just feel like I want to hit a room and do work for a few days. Maybe I'll look into the newer West Virginia rooms. Could you imagine the dummies that must be waiting there for me?

Tonight I'm off to deal the Oreo game. I may end up at the Gemini after that, we'll just see. The night will be devoted to grinding out some money from somewhere, hopefully I won't have to knock over a liquor store on the way home. On second thought, I may do that anyway, fuck 'em.

Wasted Years

2009-06-21T11:34:00.006-04:00

In the song Wasted Years by Iron Maiden, Bruce sings, "So, understand, Don't waste your time always searching for those wasted years." I only wish I could take that advice. Even after singing this song with the band in Tampa, my heart won't let me do it.

Holding back tears is much harder than just crying. Crying actually brings relief, as if you really do "let it out." But when you don't let yourself do it, your throat tightens up, your face stresses, your breathing sort of stops and your eyes feel pressured. Personally, my inner arms ache with stress. It kinda feels like a rush of chemicals down my arms. Though I often bounce my leg anyway, it surely starts when I try to hold back. As I write this, I'm in public so I'm holding the gates closed, and I like the pain. I won't allow myself to feel better, not today.

If the world would just shut up about it, maybe I wouldn't even know that today is Father's Day. I actually wished that I'd sleep through it and just wake up monday, but no such luck. I'm scared of the way I'll feel for the rest of today, I'm scared of where I may end up. For anyone who missed it, I have a long lost 16 year old Daughter named Drew who I just met 3 months ago. Click on her name to read the story. It wasn't until she was 8 years old that I began to realise that she was mine, and I never even saw her. Up until that point, I was convinced that she wasn't. I'm an idiot I guess. But when a friend attended our high school reunion and was shown a picture by her mother, the news rather quickly traveled the grapevine and suddenly, for the first time, I feared that a colossal mistake had been made. I remember spending about 4 hours on the phone in the middle of the night with the my friend TheDevil, the final link of the grapevine. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what Drew knew and finally I decided not to disrupt her life. On top of that, I figured her mother must hate me and probably went to the reunion with the single purpose of killing me.

The fact that I hadn't seen the pictures for myself is probably the only thing that allowed me to survive the next 7 years. I thought of Drew and her mother, Laurie, often. I harbored a huge amount of guilt, though I would have never admitted it out loud. Many times I wondered if the fact that I wasn't where I was supposed to be was the reason that nothing ever seemed to work in my life. And to go deeper, I questioned if I was being punished, or whether it was self inflicted subconsciously. I've often considered that my self destructive behavior and constant sabatage of my life could have stemmed from the surpressed guilt and an unrealised belief that I didn't deserve any better.

Then came the Myspace page. It was just before I moved to Vegas in December of '07 that a friend decided that I should see Laurie's Myspace. Several friends whom I've known since we were kids had found it and upon seeing the pictures of Drew, for them, there was no longer even an ounce of doubt about who her father was. Well, after a few days of mental preparation, I looked and realised that nothing could have prepared me for what I saw. There is no unit of measurement minute enough to describe how long it took me to know 100% in my heart, my mind, and my soul that I was Drews father.

To put it mildly, seeing her face on screen tore me apart. I spent weeks trying to figure out what to do. Some would believe that I made another mistake when I decided not to contact Laurie or Drew, and I'm leaning that direction now too. But just like 7 years earlier, I fought any urge to find her and figured that she was a happy 15 year old with a mom and dad, little brother and littler sister and I did not, in any way, want to upset her life. I thought that it would be selfish of me to show up and how did I know she'd want to know of my existence? I didn't know for sure what she knew, but I figured that if she knew about me and she wanted to meet me, her mom would find me for her.

If you read this blog around the time I moved to Vegas, I'm sure you noticed a deep sea of depression. I was in a very dark place at that time. Other parts of my life were not so great either having just been robbed and having my house of cards that was underground G-vegas crumble around me. I'd arrived in Vegas practically broke and had taken a few horrific beats to suck me dry of what little money I had to get started. But Drew was on my mind and I became a little self destructive and I even wonder if once again I was self-punishing. With the new found knowledge of what was in my mind concerning Drew and Laurie, if one were to go back and read the posts from 11-07 through the following months, it wouldn't be hard to see.

Though I had made the decision to not try and find Drew, I was always wishing that she would find me. During the 14 months between the time I moved west and the day Laurie contacted me, I very frequently daydreamed that Drew would find out about me and show up at my door. I wondered what she'd be like. I wondered what she'd think of me. I even imagined what it would be like if she lived in Vegas with me. I thought about her all the time. I guess I'm an idiot for not just contacting her. Believe me, it wasn't easy to make the decisions I made. I had no idea that her mom had wanted to contact me and I had no idea that Drew would embrace my existence. Then the dream of her showing up finally came true the night Laurie contacted me through Facebook with the most important message I'll ever recieve.

This Father's Day, I'm exactly where I deserve to be. I'm celebrating by torturing myself in a deep pool of guilt and shame and sorrow. I'm at Starbucks on Haywood road dwelling on the failures and mistakes that have shaped the last 16 years of my life. I'll probably never be able to explain to myself, or anyone else, what happened 16 years ago. I would agree to make today my dying day if I could only go back to that time and change what happened. When I think deeply about it, I just want to throw myself into the traffic racing back and forth out front. But the problem with that is twofold. First, that would be an easy way out and I deserve to live so I can painfully toil over this for years and years to come. If I live to be 120 years old, I'll die filled with regret and it wouldn't be punishment enough. I'm trying to forgive myself, I really am, but who knows if I ever actually will.

But the other problem with hurling myself in front of a truck is even more important. I now know Drew. I met her almost 3 months ago. We've spent some time together and she likes me, and that's what I want more than anything. I love seeing her, talking to her. I love her face, her voice and her laugh. Deserved or not, I'm having amazing experiences with her. Frequently, she says things and I know exactly where they came from, me. I love that she's so intelligent and I love that she's strong willed. We have a lot of fun when we hang out and I wouldn't trade it for anything. And it gets better each time I see her. I wish I could see her right now. I love her to death.

It's getting tough to hold back now as a tear just escaped. I feel so angry at myself. I feel cheated and I'm the one to blame. I want to break something. I think it's time to go.

I am a father, but I'd give anything to be a dad.

Too much time on my hands, I got you on my mind
Can't ease this pain, so easily
When you can't find the words to say, it's hard to make it through another day
And it makes me want to cry, and throw my hands up to the sky

Ramblings

2009-06-19T15:24:00.003-04:00

Damn it. I wanna talk, but there's no one to talk to. Plus, there's nothing to say. I'm a talker, I always have been. When I tell a story, I tell the long version, always. When I have nothing to say, I just quote movies or something. "That woman deserves her revenge, and we deserve to die." See what I mean?

So I'm lonely and don't have anyone to talk to at the moment, so here I am, writing. Of course I'm playing the online pooper, uhum, I mean poker, but I can't talk to that. I mean, I could, but I'd just end up swearing loudly, and that wouldn't go over well inside Starbucks. Really? A5 mother #$%&er? A5>AK all-in pre? F$%@ off BI$#@!! sdflkjhasdflkjh... Oh, sorry.

So, is it ok to write a post with nothing to write about? Who knows, and who cares really? I suppose I'll busy myself dealing at the Oreo later. Oh yea, that's my new name for the game I currently deal, the Oreo. I'm feeling claustrophobic at the moment. Maybe I need to get the hell out of here.

Alive or Just Breathing?

2009-06-18T12:39:00.002-04:00

Starbucks. Was there any question of where I am? Obv. It's hot as Hell here in South Carolina. I hate it by the way. Sure, Vegas is hot, but this humidity here is killing me to death. Yes, I said "killing me to death." I drive in the car with the AC blasting and a hot coffee in my hand and imagine that it's winter time. If that sounds weird, sorry about it. Right now, as I sit by the window, I'm having iced coffee. Oh, and I'm listening to Mastadon. They're cool.

If I don't write here for more than a few days, some people fear I may be dead. That is the purpose of this post, to evidence that I'm alive. To those who wish otherwise, sorry about it. And for the record, if I haven't wound up dead by now, I don't think I'll ever die. I mean, I just spent 16 months in Las Vegas and managed to stay out of a hole in the desert. So what could happen?

I got up early today at 9:20am after falling asleep at a remarkably early 1:00am. So I slept 8 hours but I still feel like doodoo. I drove for a bit in the car and listened to Opeth and found my mind wandering to Las Vegas. Rhodes and Deville and a few other G-vegas representatives are there for the whole month and naturally I'm missing it a little. As I said a few dyas ago, I don't want to go back and live there as there are more important things in life. I'm happy for the time I spent there and I miss it, but that's as far as my relationship with Vegas goes right now. I do hope to visit soon though. GL to the G-vegasites.

So I'm playing a few 18 man SNGs and I'm winning my flips at the moment. I'm not holding on my 3-1's but I'm probably not supposed to, right? With the latest developments in online poker with the feds freezing $60M in american bank acounts, I'm concerned as online poker is my main source for a game. That battle will most likely rage for quite some time though and Stars and Full Tilt will always find a way to pay and collect, so I'm not all that worried. I'll go now and focus on the 2 end games currently playing out. 'Till next time.

Sensibility

2009-06-10T12:03:00.006-04:00

Well, I'm up early again and today my senses are fully loaded. I'm sitting at my second favorite table at Starbucks on Haywood Rd. in beautiful G-vegas, coffee steaming, SNGs running, and what is surely the greatest DVD ever playing on the upper right corner of the screen. Yesterday brought the release of the much anticipated Iron Maiden: Flight 666. I stopped in a Best Buy and picked up the regularly priced at $16.99 double DVD with enclosed tour diary, for the sale price of $11.99. I would have paid $50, maybe more.

Disc #1 in the box is the film Flight 666 which documents the first leg of the most adventurous tour in rock history, Iron Maiden's Somewhere Back in Time World Tour. No one has ever done what these guys just did. They traveled 50,000 miles around the globe and played 23 concerts on 5 continents in just 45 days. How where they able to accomplish this you wonder? Well, obviously they flew in their very own Boeing 757, aptly named Ed Force One, accompanied by the entire crew and 12 tons of stage equipment and piloted by none other than Airline Captain and lead singer Bruce Dickinson. I haven't watched this yet but I'm very much looking forward to having full access to the on and off stage happenings of my favorite band in the world whilst taking on this great feat.

Disc #2 is what is playing on my screen as I type this. It contains the full set of 16 songs live, but remarkably, each song was filmed in a different city provinding a view of the full power of Iron Maiden and their fans from everywhere. I saw this tour in LA last february. It was the 5th time I saw Maiden live and while every time blew me away, that show surpassed anything I've ever seen. The tour celebrated the release of Live After Death, which had been out of print for years, to DVD. It also gave a chance to tons of newer, younger fans to see these songs played live. The set list included mostly songs from Powerslave and before with a sprinkling of tracks from Somewhere in Time and Seventh Son of a Seventh Son. I'm actually being kicked square in the balls by way of my eyes and ears as I view this. Take a look...

click me

As far as the online poker thing, I'm just grinding away at the 18 man SNGs. Things are a bit bumpy so far today but that just has to be sometimes. I can't just break every player in one day without an obstacle or two. I'm gonna continue to do work for a couple more hours and then I'm off to visit my very sick uncle who's not gonna make it very long. I'm not looking forward to it because I have more than enough emotional stress at the moment but he's asking about me and I really need to sort of say farewell.

So that's that for now. I'm gonna get a refill and perhaps a scone and kick off more work. God, Maiden rips it up!

The Storm Before The Calm

2009-06-09T13:05:00.005-04:00

I'm, up a little early today. I'm sure there's a reason other than to play online poker, but that is what I'm doing at the moment. Well, actually I'm playing 18 man turbo SNGs, so I guess I'm not playing poker, but whatever. I've been playing these for the past 3 days and I'm cashing in a very high percentage. That certainly makes it fun so let's hope it continues.

As I no longer live in the fabulous city of Las Vegas, texas hold 'em cash games are not an option the way they once were. I mean, G-vegas, though not the same beast it once was, is still alive. The problem is that there are more games and fewer players than there were 3 years ago. In those days, the Gaelic game and the Spring Hotel had it wrapped up. And even when the Black Stallion opened up there were still plenty of players and plenty of action. I guess we could blame the current state of G-vegas on the robberies and the stupid raids. I miss those days simply because of the money I made as the dealer at both games. But I miss Vegas more as far as poker goes. As far as life goes, I'm better off here. I really don't have the desire to live in Vegas right now. I miss it, but not like I thought I would.

I'm getting a job, that's decided. Hopefully I'll land one sooner than later as I'm ready to get on with life already. I'll continue to play online for the moment and not really play G-vegas. I'm still dealing 2 nights a week but that's about as far as I'm involved now. I'm trying to paint a clear picture of where I'm, heading, but to be honest, I don't even have the best idea of what is to come. Certain things seem more like a roller coaster at the moment and when I'm slowly approaching a peak, I feel calm and faithful. But before I realise it, I'm slipping off the other side in a whirlwind of nervous stomach and dizziness. Maybe this is the storm before the calm. Does that work?

Rip It The Fuck Up

2009-06-07T15:20:00.001-04:00

'Nuff said...

Killswitch Engage - New Music - More Music Videos

Coffeed Out

2009-06-03T21:38:00.002-04:00

The title of this post may seem startling to those who know me. But tonight, I just can't consume any more bean juice. Instead, as a result of extreme thirst, I'm having an iced Passion Tea. It's red and it tastes weird, but I like it.

I'm deathly tired. I know, I know, I'm tired all the damned time. But I only slept 3 hours last night, from 5:00am until 8:00am, thanks to an unexpected dealing gig for a few hours, then laundry, prior commitments for earlier today, and a little early morning stress out session. It is now 9:40 in the PM and I'm right back at the regular haunt, Starbucks. I just worked up a resume (ok, pick yourselves up off the floor) so that I can try to get a respectable job. That's right, it's that time... time to get out there and DO WORK. Dealing G-vegas would be fine if it were like 3 years ago when I was pulling in around $1300 cash per week for 3-4 nights work. Those nights were tiring as hell, mind you, but the money sure was good. It will never, ever... EVER be that way in G-vegas again.

I hope to be asleep soon. I do need to do more laundry, but the longer I stay awake the weaker my emotions become. I'm already worrying and if it gets too late, I'll surely find myself falling apart on the very edge of panic. There are very specific things for me to worry about as I lose my faith during the wee hours, and I would challenge anyone to deal with what I'm dealing with at the moment. I can't fully explain but I will in the near future. I know I do that to you all the time, but those days will soon be ending. And as I've been recently reporting, I feel like I'm nearing that light at the end of the tunnel.

So I just wanted to say hi to my readers and wish all of you a peaceful night as I attempt to find a way to have one for myself.

Not So Stressed and Confused by Such

2009-05-31T14:12:00.006-04:00

This is me, sitting in a chair at (you know where) Starbucks, laptop propped up on my lap for no good reason. I have nothing to do, nothing to read, nothing to play, nothing to say. I'm hungry. I'm tired because as usual I couldn't sleep well, there's ALWAYS a reason. I don't know if I'm happy or sad, angry or content, relieved or stressed. I'm not sure if I wanna hug someone, or cave someone's entire face in with the hardest punch I've ever thrown. I think I forgot how to handle NOT having something twisting my mind with stress.

Now that that's out of the way... Good morning! I haven't been posting alot lately and what I have written could surely spawn an intervention, if anyone cared enough. What started on January 19th has surely been the emotional-thrill-ride of a lifetime. I can think back on the death of my father, the death of my grandfather, the much later death of my grandmother, and not find anything that has affected me the way the last 4 months have. I keep thinking that I'm not being productive in life right now, but how could I? I can't focus on anything long enough. I haven't been able to think, eat, breathe or sleep in a healthy manner. I've aged three times as quickly and I've lost a little weight. But I feel like I just caught a glimpse of a light, waaaaay down there at what may be the end of the tunnel. I'd become convinced that the tunnel was leading me directly to Hell with no way out, but now I'm not so sure. Let's just hope the light isn't a train because if it is I'm just ganna stand here and let the fucking thing crush me to dust.

I know it doesn't sound like it, but I'm actually reporting on an improvement in my state of mind. Today, if just for this moment, I feel a little better about myself and my situation. I hate myself a little less. I in no way think it's over, I just feel a little better. A few nights ago I heard someone I truely respect say that when things get really bad, God will only let them get as bad as you can handle, then he steps in and offers relief. This guy has said other things before that have hit home with me, and this really did. I hope it isn't temporary, I hope the worst is not yet to come. At the very least, I hope the nights of staring into this monitor, listening to highly depressive music and feeling the overdose of self-made chemicals rushing down through my arms while being overcome by hopelessness are over. I like feeling sad or depressed sometimes, but recently I've even frightened myself.

As for poker, I have been thinking about it. I continue to play at the Gemini on mondays with positive results. That game is great for me, the majority of the players being very easy to manage. I don't have to think alot in that game and that's probably best for me given my recent state of mind. I do believe, today at least, that things are going to get better. I am broke. I currently live where I do out of necessity though it stresses me constantly. I'm holding on to the dream of dealing G-vegas for a little while longer, but I'm gonna start seeking bigger and better things. My mind is cooking up plans to strike it rich. I will be diving into something really soon, I just haven't nailed it down. I've been focused lately on things that are more important than money, but I haven't totally forgotten about my little green friends.

So maybe I did have something to say.

For a Reason?

2009-05-26T16:31:00.004-04:00

Some people say that they believe everything happens for a reason. But me, I've always thought that seems too pre-planned, you know, like there's no free will, as if every second of my life is already drawn out and I have no say in it at all. A few people believe that everything is random and that nothing happens for a real reason. That was me for a long time. And then there are my current feelings on the subject. See, now I believe that some things happen for a reason. I can live with that. I can accept that.

But if things do in fact happen for a reason, then I have a problem. My problem takes it one step further, and that is... Am I supposed to figure out what the reason is for which something happens? Or am I supposed to just treat it like a security blanket and comfort myself in believing there must be a reason out there that I may never know? Some things occur and it seems too obvious what the reasons for them are. I usually accept the first and easiest explanation for an event's occurance. But sometimes, something happens and I over-burden myself trying to figure out what it means. And I am forever cursed by being a super-over-analyzer and an uber-worrier. And sometimes, there's an obvious explanation, and right on it's coattails rides in another possibility that makes the task extremely difficult. This is a part of life that I'm currently struggling with, and it's killing me.

I know that some readers will be frustrated by the fact that I'm not going to reveal what happend this past sunday that has me searching for a meaning. An explanation of what occured would be too much. It's very personal and would reveal too much about me. But not telling would not be enough. So what should I do? Well, let me just say that something happened that was nothing short of miraculous. It involves many hours and many miles and when it came down to it, there was a needle in a haystack that I didn't even know was there, and I certainly wasn't looking for it. When I found it, I quickly discovered that it was the key that allowed me to do something that required perfect timing. It was the clearest example in my life of something happening for a real reason. I wouldn't trade this occurence for anything. But now, I am tasked with finding the purpose. Not discovering the true meaning of this would surely leave me confused and dissappointed, but deciding the meaning may just leave me in worse shape. However, I simply cannot ignore this task. I just can't turn a blind eye and not try to figure out if inside lies a hidden a message.

So, am I supposed to just accept that somthing has happend for a reason and not dwell on it? Or am I supposed to dig into it and try to figure out what is really going on? Was I simply given the gift of an opportunity to do something to help someone? Or was I given a warning of things to come? And what if I overthink it? What if I make a decision and I'm wrong? Would God let that happen?

The entire notion of things happening for a reason is directly related to God, or at least some higher power that holds the meaning of our existence. Though I have certainly lived through times of question, doubt and fear, I do in fact believe that God is real. Previously I have expressed the idea that the purpose of our lives on Earth is education, that we are hear to learn and experience and prepare for what is to come. So, while pondering this current quadary, I have to realise that the message within is not merely to tell me what to do now, but it is part of a greater lesson, one which will have impact on more than my current situation. That being said and making the situation that much more complex, it could instead be very simple. It could have just been God taking care of his children, namely me and the other person in the story. That other person was in need of help, and I was at my wits end that night, right on the brink of breaking. Then, at the last second, it happened, and we were brought together and I did what I did. And it was good, and it was deep, and it was meaningful. It was amazing that I was where I was in the first place. I didn't plan to be there, I had been compelled earlier in the night to go. It was amazing that I came across what I did and that after hours of searching for something, not knowing what I was searching for, I found it. I found the reason I was there, but the reason I was to find it, and the reason the entire event happened is what I now need to figure out.

As you can see, there are very complex matters currently taking up residence in my over-worked mind. Energy is being bled at an uncontrollable rate and I have to admit that I'm not properly replenishing it. It seems that my very soul is growing exhausted. In an interesting turn however, near the end of writing this post I recieved a phone call. During that call, things were revealed to me that have greatly influenced my quest for the truth regarding the events of this weekend. My quest for the truth... maybe that's what my whole life is indeed about.

A Bit of a Better Place

2009-05-24T14:09:00.002-04:00

Poker. It just doesn't seem to fit the way it used to. I mean, it's still here, but it isn't in the forefront. There are two main reasons for this. One is my lack of funds to play, but the biggest reason is that my mind has been on other things. The way my life is today can't continue for long, some things must change.

I've been dealing a new G-vegas game on mondays and thursdays. Mondays haven't really been kicking off though and I certainly can't survive dealing one night a week, there's just not enough money. As far as that goes, I have to make some decisions. As an alternative to going to the new game on mondays and waiting 3 hours for players to show up, I've been hitting the Gemini, another newer G-vegas game, and playing from someone else's stake. That's been working out ok, it was good for a profit of $200 and $90 the last two weeks. But once again, it's just not enough. My car is broken at the moment and I can't seem to gather the $1200 needed to properly repair it. Why does that car have to have a clutch anyway? Whatever.

I'll be getting a job soon, but I have more decisions to make. First I need to decide where I'm gonna live. G-vegas is an option, but there are others. And there are important factors to consider. Because of the new things in my life that are most important, Vegas is no longer an option. The day I left to come back east, the plan was to go back to Vegas after a certain rebuilding of a roll. But there were unanswered questions at that point and now that I've discovered a few things, I just can't go back, not anytime soon. I'll probably never go back alone.

Unless something changes very quickly at the new game, I'll most likely be re-entering the restaurant business. One of the options I've opened up for thought would be to hit Myrtle Beach for the summer. I have plenty of connections as I waited tables and bartended there for 10 years. I'm considering finding a place to sleep and then working 6 doubles shifts per week. That would give me a nice little boost. But I'd be sacrificing in another area and that doesn't appeal to me one bit. I'm leaning hardest towrad continuing to deal the poker game and working a lunch job somewhere. And if we decide to ditch mondays and run the game on an alternate night, that could work out. I just need time to grow the other areas of my life, the areas that have been left defunct, abandoned for years.

As much as I hate myself, and as bad as I fucked up in the past, I'm begining to feel that I do deserve to be happy. For years, I was incredibly unhappy and didn't know why. I could try to figure it out and I could come up with maybes, but the true reason for all my years of loneliness and despair would elude me for a very long time. I think I'm putting some things together and what I'm discovering is hard to cope with. I made the mistake of a lifetime many years ago. I'll never make a worse mistake and I'll certainly never be able to make it up. Dealing with that has taken a lot longer and has been so much tougher than I ever imagined, and I'm nowhere near the end of it. I struggle daily with a million thoughts that appear and reappear in complete randomness. I'm trying to forgive myself, myself being the hardest person in the world to forgive. And that's the hardest part of it all.

If I had a stake, I could play poker right now. My mind is ok to do so. I have days when I'm tortured, but it's not everyday. There certainly won't be a day that I don't think about all this stuff, but I'm reaching a point where I can do some work. Once I get back on my feet I'll be back in action, and I have a lot to prove. I just need the stake.

Nightfall

2009-05-16T17:19:00.001-04:00

There's no denying that I have issues with anxiety. Certain situations just drive me crazy and I find myself helpless with fear. Some things aren't so torturous. For instance, every time I walk out of a store with an anti-theft alarm at the door, I panic for a second and worry about possibly having something in my hand that I forgot to pay for. That just happened today at the mall. And even though I know I don't have any unpurchased merchandise on me, I always tense up and then relax once I've passed the scanner. That's crazy I know, but it happens all the time.

What's going on this weekend is not as easy. I am tortured beyond belief, and I will be throughout the entire weekend. I can not explain why, but this is the way it has to be. I am consumed with worry and panic. My stomach has been in knots for 26 1/2 hours so far and I figure I have about 41 1/2 hours to go. I'm sure I'm developing several ulcers. I've tried everything to relieve the stress, but I just can't.

I woke up today feeling clear headed and telling myself that nothing is wrong and that everything is the same. But as the day is moving forward, I increasingly have to fight inwardly to try and prevent a nervous breakdown. This all comes from a failure of communication. Something was communicated to me and I took it that it could mean several things, but I hope it only meant one of those things... damned text messages. Texting should only be used for good messages, not bad news. Problem is, I'm on communication lockdown from the other party until monday. So, here I sit, struggling to occupy the Devil's playground and trying so hard to ignore the Devil. He's doing everything he can to drive me insane, and I fear he is winning. He's dancing around and doing cartwheels and somesaults and such on my brain and periodically kicking the backs of my eyes with his pointy little boots. And as night grows closer and the sun dissappears to the west, it's getting tougher and tougher. Today, I know why people turn to alcohol and drugs to drown their sorrows. And right now, some sort of substance probably has a better chance of saving my life than causing me harm. But it would have to be something good, something to put me out until monday. (Attn. drug dealers: don't bother contacting me, I'm not gonna do it, I'm just saying it would be easier.)

I'm going to play a couple 180 man SNGs on Stars to try to occupy myself. I'm actually affraid I may not be alive, or at least sane, by monday. My stress is through the roof and I feel as though I'm exhibiting symptoms of multiple anxiety disorders. A mental breakdown seems imminent. Someone please dig me a hole wherein I can hide for the next day and a half. But make sure I'm unconscious. Thanks.

The earth is losing it light

Night falls fast

Watch the dying sun

We are lost

Shit Timing

2009-05-12T14:32:00.000-04:00

Working at Carrabba's in Vegas was a pain in the ass, no question there. I didn't make enough money and the simple fact that I was back working in a restaurant made me want to fire a nail gun right into my own forehead. That said, I had fun while I was there. There were a few people that were like cheese graters on my brain, but most of them I liked, or even loved to be around.

Dennis was a bartender and one in the group of the likables. He used to ask me for poker stories, especially on Sunday afternoon because we were usually working together then. So I'd tell him and he'd tell me his. Of course, the best story I ever told him was about the bad beat jackpot.

So a few nights ago, I was sitting at the G-spot, a local G-vegas game, when I recieved a text from Dennis, who didn't even know I'd left Vegas. In fact, I didn't tell anyone from there that I left. He had a story for me and so I called him a few days later and his story was the best since I had told him of my bad beat. Apparently, Dennis had found an opportunity to play some cards after having a particularly good day so he headed over to Green Valley Ranch. He sat and the game had dropped to 6 handed late in the evening. Sitting across the table was one of those douche's who knows everything about poker and is playing horrifically and slapping the shit out of every flop. Let's refer to him as MrSmartyPants. So Dennis, much like myself in this way, wanted badly to bust this guy.

The was a problem however. Dennis really needed to hit the bathroom, and for something that may have taken more than 4 hands to complete. See, when you're playing at a Station's Casino, you really don't wanna miss a blind, because if you have a missed blind button and the bad beat hits, then you miss out on the share. Needless to say, Dennis didn't want to miss his blinds. But the urge, if you will, just kept getting stronger and stronger and he put it off as long as he could. But to prevent some tube or pipe from bursting and leaking hazardous material out into his abdomen and contaminating his vital organs, he played through his blinds and hurried off to take care of very important business.

When Dennis got back to the table, the player on his left had busted out. Dennis sat back in and the very next hand was dealt JJ UTG. He limped in and MrSmartyPants rasied the bet to $9. Dennis was his only taker and the flop dropped JJ8. Dennis led out and the guy called. the turn brought an A and I think Dennis checked. MrSmartyPants said something about Dennis having a Jack and that if he did, "You're gonna get alot of my money", and bet out, which tells all of us savvy players what the guy has, right? Think about it.

So the river brings out another A for a board of JJ8AA. Dennis just said "All in", and MrSmartyPants called. Dennis flipped up his quads and realized what was about to happen. You guessed it, the guy flipped up AA. Being from out of town, the guy had no idea that he'd just won $30K. Of course, having the worst hand got Dennis paid $45K, that's just how we Carrabbamicos do it. The funny thing about the guy who'd busted, he walked back in just after the hand with cash from the ATM, but instead of the $800 player share, got zilch.

What are the odds? I mean, two players who worked together in the same Carrabba's on Eastern Ave hit the bad beat, a longerthan once in a lifetime shot. Dennis quit Carrabba's just as I did when it happened to me. He's about to open a cookie baking business with his windfall and hopefully do better than I did. Good luck and congradulations buddy.

yawn

2009-05-11T13:27:00.000-04:00

I hate to sound cliche, but today is just one of those days. After my bad dream-filled, on and off sleep, I woke up tired and significantly depressed. And not just a typical Trooper97 depression, this feels much more severe. I'm at Starbucks now so hopefully it'll get better, but today I'm not so sure coffee alone will work.

I love what I have here and I want to be here, but right now I miss the shit out of Vegas. At least the weather is nice here today though. According to the weather bubble on my phone it's 58 degrees. There's a very cool breeze out there too that impressed me as I walked from the car. And according to Google, it's 83 degrees in Vegas right now. But I could deal with that if I could only be there. I just want to be there for a bit, then I wanna be here.

I'd like to keep writing but I have nothing more to say...

Tough Weekend

2009-05-01T23:37:00.000-04:00

It feels like the veins in my inner arms, especially near the elbows, are constricting. There's this acute pain shooting through. This seems to happen during moments of deep saddness. I'm not sure what is actually happening in there, but it is, to say the least, intriguing. As I listen to some deeply saddening music and try to think of how to describe this current emotional state, I'm extremely tired. As lately seems to be the case more often than not, I'm mentally exhausted.

The events of this weekend were intensely emotional. I could not, however, show the emotions to the others involved. No one really knows what's going on deep inside. To say that I am remorseful or regretful would be gross understatements. I can't talk about this to anyone, and so I sit here alone. Aside from a few short hours this weekend, alone is where I've been. I mean, alone is a familiar place for me. It's what I'm used to. But this is a new type of alone because there are two specific people I don't want to be alone from.

I'm going crazy inside my own mind. This whole situation is stressing me beyond anything I've ever felt. My guilt, my sorrow, my sense of helplessness to change what has been done are mixing into a powerful cocktail that is abolutely killing me. It is that poison that I feel surging through my veins right now. I feel like I'm actually overdosing on whatever hormomes are being released from my brain. I really don't know how much more of this I can take. I feel like I'm dying. I tried to explain it to the one person I could talk to, but it didn't land. So, here I sit in a dark room that I can't even call my own. I have nothing to do and no one to talk to. And maybe this is best for me. Maybe I don't deserve the relief of talking it out. I don't even think I could explain it to anyone, no one would know what I mean. I can write in this blog, and that is it. I feel like I should be left in the desert, cold, hungry and alone.

The things I've done cannot be erased. The time I've lost can not be replaced. I will not allow myself to shrug this off and just look for the positive. I deserve the misery. I deserve to be punished. No one can tell me that things just happen and that I just have to move forward. No one can understand what this is like. Though I'm a perpetrator as well as a victim in this, this fault is my own, no one else is to blame. Simultaneously, I can pound my fist at the heavens in anger, but lower my head in shame. How could I do this, and how could this be done to me?

I'm so tired. I can barely hold my burning eyes open and my aching head up. If I could, I'd sleep for a week. Problem is, I can't sleep much past 11:00 here, the environment simply won't allow it. It's midnight now and I'll be lucky to be asleep before 5:00am. I'm just gonna lie down and let these depressing sounds drain what's left from my mind.

Aching

Limbs are aching from the rush

Mildly Content

2009-04-17T17:22:00.000-04:00

I'm not a big fan of books, but I love bookstores. I'm sure that seems strange. I mean, I like to read, but I'm overly picky. When I do get around to it, I usually stick to non-fiction, and I have to be interested in the subject. I used to read books about gambling. Then I got into poker books for awhile. Now I don't really enjoy that type of material. Men's Health magazine can be interesting from time to time, until the hypochondriac within awakens, then I'm over it.

So why bookstores? Well, I'm very vibe oriented. I hang out in coffee shops for a reason. Some people like dive bars, some like fancy restaurants. Starbucks' coffee isn't the best I've ever tatsed, but I love the atmosphere that the place offers so I go there. At the moment, I'm sitting in a Barne's & Noble Cafe in a town other than the one in which I live. I didn't come here for the bookstore, mind you, but I have a little time to kill. There's a Starbucks about 300 ft. from here, but I decided on something a little different. I guess I like the way the books look on the shelves. I like to see the racks and displays. And perhaps I don't so much mind the people who wander around and shop bookstores. I'm also a fan of newsstands, and I can see the magazine racks from where I'm sitting.

So what does all this mean? I suppose it means that in these current moments during which I'm finding myself without anything to do, I'm in a contentful place. I'm inside a bookstore, considering firing a few shots at online poker. I have a 12 ounce cup of just passable coffee to my eleven o'clock, and a seventeen inch screen aglow at my twelve. The keyboard is begging for me to create a few sentences but I really don't have anything to say. But I enjoy saying it nonetheless. Perhaps my phone will ring soon and I'll be off to do something I'd rather be doing. Until then, I'm in my favorite type of setting and in a favorite set of mind.

Road to Hell

2009-04-12T13:52:00.000-04:00

Does probono therapy exist? If so, then get me some of that. I suppose, in a way, writing here is theraputic. I have to admit that writing here is easier when I know I won't see anyone who I know reads it at a poker game or walking down Main St., G-vegas. Recently, some feces-mouthed, anon douche-nozzle commented that I only write about winning, and when I'm winning. See, the opposite is far more true. It's days like today that really make me want to write. Today, Im pissed off. Upset may be a more fair description, but there's anger swirled in there. I'm agitated, and my stomach hurts. My very soul is being tossed about in a state of disruption and upheaval.

Apologies are due to the few who read this blog. My recent lack of posts has been, at the very least, slack. The last post took alot out of me and I haven't felt much like writing. And right now I'm struggling. I'm struggling with several issues, issues of what's right and what's wrong, what's real and what's fantasy. Believe it or not, I very much intend to do what's right.

My entire world is changing. And as it does, and I tumble through time, I occasionally glance back at what's being left behind. I find myself swatting my arms wildly to try and get a grip, but I realize I'm getting farther and farther away from the past. But I look towards the future and I do see something much better. I've found myself considering things to which I never thought I'd be giving thought. I feel this way because I want to do better, to be better. I'm questioning why I am where I am. Is it guilt? Have I purposely held myself back? My mind, as it always does, is running a million miles per minute, 24 hours a day. I can't stop thinking; I can't stop over analyzing, and I can't seem to keep my imagination out of the loop. My imagination, now that can be a real bitch.

Today, I feel like I'm going insane. Am I driving myself there? Or is someone else at the wheel? I'm not so sure I need help getting there; I think I know the way. All these roads lie before me. And I'm just standing there, looking at them. I see the signs and I'm trying to decide which one to travel while trying to determine the side streets that can cut me over to another road later. Just look at them, lying there like so many entrances to the very same maze which is my life. See them there? And look at the way each road winds and dips and affects the lives of others, others for whom I care a great deal. However, right now I feel like I'm being pushed and shoved down the road that leads directly to the nut house. That's the road I was on last night when I left the house at 1:30am and drove the cavalier aimlessly around G-vegas for hours. Fortunately, the roads of G-vegas led me right back to the bed that, for now, I call mine. I fought sleep; I fought comfort; I fought peace of mind. I wanted to just go nuts and get it over with. The sand, however, found its way into my eyes, and before the sleep-timer on the TV ran out, I went under.

I actually didn't want to wake today, not until around 6pm. I just didn't want to deal with being awake all day. I did not get my wish. Go figure.

Father forgive me my sins
Give me the nails, I'll hammer them in

The road to Hell is full of good intentions
Say farewell, we may never meet again...

Drew

2009-03-28T15:45:00.000-04:00

The absolute greatest thing about this particular Starbucks today is that it's sort of busy and every time someone opens the door, a perfectly cool and brisk breeze glides right across my face. If I weren't already awake, it would surely perk me up. As I've praised this overcast, rainy weather in the past, I feel more alive, more aware when it's gray. I have no explanation as to why I am this way, but I like it. Actually, I love it. With each breath, my attention, my depth of thinking becomes more acute, more intense. Add a touch of just the right music, heavy in emotion, though not in sound, and I'm there. Inexperienced with such as I may be, it must be like a drug.

And what better time to be in a coffee shop, laptop breathing atop the table in front of me as I explore the darkest recesses and crevices of my being in search of the words and the sentences to illustrate what I want to say. Some things are almost too deep to articulate, some stories too complex to convey. There are so many shapes and colors to this story, I don't know if I'm worthy of painting this picture. But overwhelming as the job may appear to be, it begs to get done.

Drew is her name. Drew. I met her face to face for the first time today. And though my opinion probably should be biased, it is not. She's simply the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. Before today, her mother was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen, though it's very close to a tie as of now. What makes this ever so fiercely mind-blowing is that Drew looks just like me. Her nose, her ears, her cheeks, her mouth, they all look like me. Yet somehow, for her it works. Her eyes are a perfect blend of exquisite brown with my green. She's a writer and a softball player. She is sixteen years old, and she is my daughter.

Now, the story so far is only hard to tell because it's so hard to believe that a girl as beautiful as Drew's mother would have ever been in love with me in the first place. Beyond that point, it's not so hard to figure out. But the toughest part is explaining how Drew could be alive for sixteen years and just now come into my life. The best way to explain it is to simply say that when she was born, her mother and I were very young and we just didn't handle it well, and during the longest imaginable moment of confusion and fear, I lost contact with her. I actually went fifteen years not knowing the truth for sure. I thought I knew, then I thought I knew something different. Then, nine years later, I heard a rumor that led me to believe that what I'd originally been told as truth may have in fact been true. But if it were true, then I figured I must be the most hated person on Earth. This is the hardest part to explain and I know I've done a poor job. I didn't know Drew was mine. It was my own fault. I take the blame. I admire her mom for what she did. I wish I'd done things differently. I don't blame her, and she doesn't blame me, and as far as this detail of the story goes, let's just leave it at that.

Two months ago, on January 19th, Laurie, my long lost love, sent out a message to me on Facebook. That evening I was about to walk across the street from Planet Hollywood to Bellagio for a second session. But for no known reason, at the front door of the Miracle Mile Shops, I stopped in my tracks, made a spontaneous U-turn, and headed for the parking garage. I wasn't sure why, but I had the overwhelming feeling that I wanted to go home. Along the way, I stopped at Fresh & Easy and while walking through the pasta isle, I got the text update from Facebook. I stood, stunned. I actually began to panic. See, deep in my heart, in a place that's hard to get to, I think I always knew the truth. Then about a year ago, some friends alerted me to a Myspace page with pictures of Drew. They looked at her, and saw me. The instant I saw the pictures I became, for the first time, certain of the truth. I felt radically compelled to do something then, but after days of agonizing thought, I decided that I had no right to disrupt anyone's life, especially a happy, healthy 15 yeard old. I could never, and would never hurt her out of my own selfishness. In my mind, I'd made a huge mistake letting Laurie go, but what could I do now? I felt like I'd blown it and had no chance.

So, nine weeks ago, I went home that January night, grabbed the laptop, and went to the safest place I knew, Starbucks. I sat and stared at the Facebook message for over six hours. I felt overcome with guilt, anger, helplessness. In that message, Laurie told me that she'd been reading this blog and pointed out this particular post, I Don't Belong Here. I mentioned her there. That freaked me out because I never in a million years thought she'd ever read that. So after typing out a reply and staring at it forever, I clicked 'send'. We immediately began communicating via email and phone calls and to my total amazment, there was no anger, no resentfulness or hatred. We talked for the first time in sixteen years and it was as if it had only been a few days. I learned the truth about everything and she learned everything from my side. The story is so long and complex and I learned so many things that happened throughout the past sixteen years. She told me of how close she came to contacting me so many times. See, unfortunately, I'm the smartest idiot I know.

Though Drew had been suspecting things on her own, she didn't know the truth until a couple weeks after I began communicating with Laurie. I can't imagine how that must have felt, to discover that the truth she'd known all her life wasn't exactly true. To my ultimate relief, she understands. She's extremely intelligent. And best of all, she was excited to meet me. I was affraid she wouldn't want to meet me at all. We emailed and texted during my last weeks in Vegas.

And that brings us to today. Facebook pictures are what they are. But to be face to face with Drew is amazing. She seems so perfect. How could I make something so flawless? Obviously I had help, and therein lies the answer. When I look at her I see the love between Laurie and myself. We were young and I was an idiot, but the love was very real. The connection we shared was so deep. I hate that we got seperated when we did. And I hate that it took this long to find Drew. And even though we may never know, I hope there is a reason for the way this has played out so far. I know there's a reason I've found her now, I know it. And I'm looking so forward to what will come next. I am not affraid, I am thrilled.

My life has been a whirlwind for the past 9 weeks or so. I went from the most focused on poker I've ever been to the most unfocussed I could ever possibly be. I know that I need to be here now. I have suggested that I broke myself in order to make it happen. If so, it was subconscious. But however it happened, this is where I need to be. I've been dying to get here. Close to Drew is where I need and want to be. Life cannot and will not stop. But it looks like it can get better. Sorry I'm so late, but I'm here now.

State of TheTrooper97 Address

2009-03-26T15:47:00.000-04:00

Ok, I've avoided the real issues over the past few posts and I've decided to fill my dear readers in on the current state of TheTrooper97. I've come a long way from the time I started this blog and I've also come a long way from the day I left G-vegas and moved 2100 miles away to the real Vegas. I arrived there broke, got more broke, worked as a slave at a restaurant, hit a big freaking jackpot, and the proceded to drift about for 2 months with my head in the clouds. When I finally woke up I had spent a bit more money than I should have.

After assessing the damages, I placed into action a plan to recover and allow myself to continue playing poker without getting a job. I figured that if I could survive until WSOP time, then I'd be able to get a dealing job for the summer. I could not afford a bad run. And survive I did for awhile, but it just wasn't enough.

After my trip home to G-vegas for Christmas, I had only $2K left to make a run in the new year. I arrived back in Vegas on the evening of January 1st and I've never been more focused in my life. I mean, I was completely tuned in to my game and was killing it for the first two weeks. I made about $2200 during that time and felt I was on my way to recovering my bankroll and heading into the future with a great shot at doing what I've known I can do. And then it happened. I lost focus. One fateful night, everything in my life was turned upside down with one simple message I recieved through Facebook. The instant I recieved this message, I was stunned beyond anything I could ever imagine. I felt an overwhelming range of magnified emotions, beginning with guilt, sorrow, anger, hatred for myself, and developing into relief, wonder, amazment, optimism and delight. From that point on, my focus could not be on poker, whether I needed it too or not.

I didn't really play for about two weeks after that. And when I did get back to the tables with a newfound purpose, I just couldn't focus. There were times I couldn't pull the trigger. My reads weren't coming the way they once were. I simply wasn't tuned in. I tried everything, but I panicked. And so, with a backup plan in place, I played straight through until I was broke, which happened mainly from paying the bills. I built a miracle roll online one night, but it wasn't enough, and my final attempts to stay in Vegas proved futile. I played like a crazed maniac, but it just didn't happen.

The confusing thing about the issue is that I'm glad I got that message on January 19th. My focus on poker was very important to me because I love playing the game. I love making money at it and I love being my own boss. I simply love Vegas. But believe it or not, there are things that are more important to me. I expose myself on this blog more than I ever thought I would, but there are things that don't make these pages.

I promised to tell what was really going on, and I will, but it deserves its own post. For now, let it be known that I am back in G-vegas at the moment. Right now, this is where I need to be. I made the drive from thursday through saturday. It was a looong drive offering lots of time to reflect. I am not sad that I am here. I do plan to get back to Vegas. I do plan to keep poker in my life, and in a big way. But after two months of thought, I decided that this is where I need to be. I even wonder if I didn't subconsciously break myself in Vegas in order to force myself back here because I couldn't make the decision without it being that way. I'm not sure about that, it's just a thought.

As far as poker goes, I have the roll online. It's not a fortune, but it's plenty to work with. I have work lined up and I may reveal the details of that soon.

So look forward to a huge revelation. It will take awhile for me to figure out how to put it into words, so be patient. Soon enough my friends... soon enough.

Be Advised

2009-03-18T00:59:00.000-04:00

I'd just like to respond here, up front where it can be seen, to the anonymous commentors on the last post. At the end of that post I put up a link where a hand I played could be viewed on a re-player. The only reason I posted that hand was that I was playing fast and loose in a super aggressive attempt to turn a little into alot on FTP and I thought it was funny. Even though there was method to the madness of that hand, I put it up because I think it's hilarious. It is INDEED funny to watch me check raise a guy all in with 5 high and have it be the best hand at showdown. Think bloggers 3-betting with the hammer and then showing it after the successful bluff. We both had nothing, he had a flush draw and I drug the pot. I wanted that pot, I gambled for that pot, and I won that pot. That hand has nothing to do with my poker playing abilities, online or otherwise, hence the "just" in the phrase "just send it". Just send the money and don't say shit about how I got it because I got it. If you want it, come get. That's what's funny. That hand WAS NOT played in, or for, the long term. It was part of a week and a half of very fast and frighteningly loose play with what started as $2.22. I played heads-up SNGs, super turbo 9-mans, cash games, heads-up cash games, multi-table tournies and generally gambled it up, and I had a reason for it. That hand was posted for entertainment purposes only. But all of that is irrelevant.

At first, I cared about the fact that I was being attacked by people who were affraid to identify themselves. I spent alot of time speculating on who it would have been and I have good ideas as to who it was. They actually revealed things that let me know that they are people I know, not people I've never met. Whether or not you are who I think you might be, you SHOULD be affraid to reveal your identity(ies) because I know, and could say, alot about you and your supposed play. But the truth is, I don't care about your play. So why are you concerned about mine? I write when I lose, I write when I win, I write whenever I feel like writing. In fact, I wrote in that very post about spending five and a half hours in a tourny at Caesar's and making a dumb mistake and exiting on the bubble. Do you feel dumb yet?

If you're jealous of the fact that I get to run around the country and live by my rules and no one else's, then fine. I understand that. Maybe you dream of being able to move to Vegas and take a shot but don't have the balls to do it. Maybe you tried and failed. Maybe you fail constantly at poker and feel like you have to lash out at someone who has studied gambling and poker and knows far more than you are capable of comprehending. I am not without fault. I have problems just like the next guy and I've learned alot since moving to Vegas. And I surely did mismanage my money after I hit the bad beat jackpot(don't be jealous). I believe there is a purpose for the process of having and then not having that money. At least I did what I did first of all after hitting, I repaid everybody to whom I owed even a nickel. That's more than some would do. For that you may be jealous as well.

To be clear, I don't care about the comments if they were made by people I don't know, or people I don't neccessarily like or care about.. But the thought actually ocurred to me that the vicious statements contained within the comments left today may have been made by a person or persons that I consider my friends. That has actually caused me a great deal of stress today. I feel like it shouldn't have, but it did. I have the means to figure out exactly who left them and earlier I began the investigative work neccessary to discover this, but then I stopped. I decided not to find out, which is tough because I don't want to call anyone who would say some of those things "friend."

There are more important things going on in the life of TheTrooper97 than petty, jealous comments left on the blog. I've spoken of something big that happened to me back in January. Some things that are far more important than poker came to light and I've been dealing with them for the last 2 months. Anyone with a soul would have been floored by what happened to me. I feel as though I ran face first at full speed into a brick wall. I'm not ready tonight to reveal the details of these matters but I promise that I will soon. This week I'm making big changes in my life that are very important. In fact, the things that are happening are most likely the reason I may have been a little more sensitive to the comments than TheTrooper97 normally would have been. Fortunately, soemone very special made me realise tonight that it's just not that important. And for that I am thankful.

I have work to do now, so until next time.

G-vegas in Vegas

2009-03-12T20:52:00.000-04:00

I haven't written about the latest goings on in online poker for me, but in case you didn't see it on Twitter, in brief, I ran $2.22 up to $640 a few nights ago. I had that left over from running Full Tilt Points into about $150 via SNG sattelites. I had played SNGs and had only the $2.22 left and starting at .01/.02, I doubled and ran through every level all the way up to 3/6. I did it all on 6max tables and when I sat 3/6 I was dealt AA in the BB. UTG popped it to $21, the button made it $71, so I shoved for $445. They folded and I picked up another $95 bringing me up to $540. Click here to see that hand, just for fun. So, I began to realize as I approached the $600 point that I'd turned $2 into something real and so I backed it down and planned to try and work it up in a sensible manner. I then began playing HU SNGs and I'm trying to run it up.

So a couple days ago, I got up and spent a little time playing before deciding to head down to the Venetian to meet Coopsdx at Noodle Asia. After my favorite dish, XO Shrimp Lai Fen, which is hand-rolled rice noodles with shrimp and a spicy sauce, Coopsdx and I decided to walk over to Caesar's Palace where a whole gang of G-vegasites were playing the 7:00pm tourny. As we headed for the front door, G-vegasite Han ran into us. He, Steven and Matt were in town for a few days. They were actually here seperate from the other group which consisted of Coopsdx, Buda, Jim, Tony, K, and a couple others I barely know.

When I walked into the back room of Caesar's poker room, it was almost like walking into the Gaelic Game 2 years ago. The tourny had just started and G-vgeas was represented at almost every table. I walked around and greeted friends I haven't seen in over a year and a few I've seen several times in vegas. Well, I couldn't resist the opportunity to rep G-vegas in this shartfest of a tourny so I took a seat. Long story short, there were 63 entrants, 8 of them being from G-vegas. At the final table of 10, 5 of us were still in. What does that tell you about G-vegas poker? Exactly.

As far as my exit, it was premature for my situation. I'd played masterfully through 5 hours. I established a strong image and used it to pick up pots uncontested. Jim, if you're reading this, I had AhQh on that J high flop. You folded and showed me KQ, so I did have you beat, though I was continuation-bet-bluffing. But when we got to the final table, the atmosphere changed and I found myself a bit unfocused. I made a stupid mistake by not considering the state of the tournament and I busted myself holding KK in 10th place with seven spots paying. Nonetheless, it was a great night of tourny poker with a group of tough ass G-vegas players. Caesar's Palace got quite a peak at what 7 nights a week of poker for several years in a town like G-vegas can produce.

Click here and watch the second hand closely. I played this hand last night and this, my friends, is how it's done. Just send it.

POOOWWWW BABY !!!!

2009-03-05T18:15:00.000-05:00

Simply the greatest thing I've seen in a long time. I've watched this around 40 times since last night. I just saw the long version and this was shot in Vegas. Who knows, I may very well be this guys roomate soon. I think I'll track him down, he's next to the Rio, you see it in the background...

Information

2009-03-04T17:01:00.000-05:00

The word information carries many, many meanings. Its concept is closely related to ideas of communication, control, data, form, instruction, meaning and more. In one particular sense, it can be said that information is any type of pattern that influences the formation or transformation of other patterns. In this sense, it can be said that information is something potentially perceived as representation, although it wasn't created or presented for that purpose. What this means is that even though a person doesn't put together a packet of information and intentionally communicate it to another person through language, tonality or physiology, and though the conscious mind may not necessarily process it as such, information can still exist, be sent, and be received and processed subconsciously. In the world of poker, information is as good as gold and as such should be regarded as priceless treasure.

Paying meticulous attention at the poker table is one of my strong points. A vast majority of the time I spend at the table finds me watching people very closely, digging around for information. I don't look for specific things, I just look. Even with the heaviest of guitars, pounding drums and screaming maniacs filling my ears via TheTrooperiPod97, I watch the minutest of details in people. This has become second nature for me. Ever since the first time I realized what a major role the subconscious mind plays in poker, I've done it. I remember clearly, I was in Powdersville, SC in a freezing cold basement. There was a tiny space heater blowing on my feet and the ring of illegal video poker machines bounced off cinder block walls and this moment of clarity came over me and I came to the conclusion that I was seeing and hearing things that I didn't know I was seeing and hearing, and I'd unknowingly seen and heard them before. It came to my mind that my subconscious was filing these items and sending messages to my gut, and that's why I'd feel like I was experiencing ESP. It was then that I started sitting up at the table and trying hard to focus on everything said and done by everyone.

This realization began a huge turn around in my poker game. I began to experiment with trusting my gut instinct, which is powered by my subconscious mind. I can't even begin to list all the times that I've seen and heard the tiniest of things that turned huge decisions into relatively easy ones. I didn't even know what I saw or heard. Just the other morning I sat at the Venetian. It was about 7:30am and I made the game six handed. About two orbits in, I was on the button and a guy I'd never seen before in my life was under the gun. Like a million players do every day, he received his hole cards from the dealer, peeked at them, and then limped in. I happened to be looking directly at his face when he did this and I'll never be able to explain in a way that you'd understand, but it hit me in the face like a brick, and as his two white chips hit the felt I instantly knew he was looking for a raise from someone so he could re-raise preflop. I knew it as well as I knew my own name. I, on the button, looked at 65 off-suit. But my cards wouldn't have mattered at this point because I would never want to fold a hand preflop when I know for sure that a guy has AA or KK. I would have limped with 72, 94, 83, pretty much anything because I knew that if this guy didn't get his preflop re-raise in, he'd be frustrated by that fact and I knew he'd get married to his hand. If I flopped two pair or whatever, I was gonna double up and I was certain of it.

So I limped with the 65 and then the SB raised it up to $11. BB called and UTG wasted no time putting in a re-raise to $40. I obviously folded my hand, but I can't describe the feeling I had. It's the greatest thing in the world and I don't think I'd trade this ability for anything. This guy didn't do anything out of the ordinary, but something stored in the deepest crevices of my mind told me he was holding a limp/re-raisable monster. The flop came down 9 high, it checked to him, he bet big and the other two folded. This type of info is absolutely invaluable, and I have the natural ability to receive and process it, and then the nerve to act on it.

But allowing my subconscious to absorb way more information than I ever could consciously isn't the only reason to pay attention. I see things all the time that I consciously use to get out of the way or to pounce on weakness. I actually hope that not too many people read what I am about to write because it's huge. I've noticed a trend in the way many, many 1-2 players bet their hands on the flop in certain situations. If a guy raises preflop to a number like $12 (especially out of position) and 3 players call, and then he leads out for exactly $15 on the flop, it almost always means one of two things. Either he has a medium to high pocket pair and there's an overcard on the flop, or he has a big ace and has missed. $15 in that exact spot is ALMOST ALWAYS a scared continuation bet. In my experience, this is true literally about 95% of the time. So in response to this, I've developed a strategy that has allowed me to steal numerous pots from these dead giveaways. In the optimum situation, the preflop raiser is directly on my left. This way, when the action checks to the raiser on the flop and he bets, all the other players have responded before it comes back to me. If they all fold, then I'm left alone with a player I know to be weak on this particular flop. I then play forward in one of a number of ways. Sometimes I call, check the turn, and then after he checks behind I bet the river and take it. Sometimes I simply put in a check raise right there on the flop and snatch it. I can't stress enough how often this works. It's easy money.

An example of this play came the other morning, once again at the Venetian. This chick came into seat 1, I was in my favorite seat, the 10 hole. This of course put her on my immediate left. She raised preflop to $12, the button and the SB called, and I, having limped in early with 77, called. The flop came out Axx. SB checked, I checked, and she bet the magic number, $15. Well, I knew right away that she probably had KK, QQ, or JJ, now all I needed was for the button and the SB to fold. Not knowing what I knew, they did indeed throw their hands away. So I decided to check/raise it up to $40. She wasn't ready to abort the pot just yet, but she just flat called my raise which further supported my read. The turn brought out a Q and I, being 95% sure she had no A in her hand, bet out another $40. This bet, in my mind, was enough to find out once and for all if I was right. I didn't see the need to bet more even though the pot was $130. When she bet $15 into $50 on the flop she demonstrated to me that she doesn't pay that close attention to bet sizes in relation to the pot anyway. Also, $40 into $130 from a preflop check/raiser looks huge in my opinion. I did consider that she turned a miracle set of queens, but if that was the case then she outdrew my imaginary ace anyway and so be it. She thought for about 15 seconds and mucked what was surely the best hand.

It's funny, because the reason I started this post hasn't even come up yet, but here it is. I was at Planet Hollywood a couple days ago at table 2, seat 8. The tables are 9 handed there by the way, which is one of my favorite things about the place, just before the pleasure pit dancers. Anyway, this guy came in and sat in seat 1. He was aggressive almost to an extreme point, but he wasn't completely mad. So this hand came down and I was on the button, he was in the BB. I had 9c7c and limped in. SB limped and AggroMan raise to $22. I decided to battle with him and called, then SB called as well. SB was this little guy from India or somewhere and he acted in a way that led me to believe he'd never played poker live before. He would look at his cards in such a way that would allow someone beside him to occasionally see them.

So the flop came down J high and SB checked, and then AggroMan checked. Now AggroMan was intelligent and I knew it. I could see the gears in his brain ticking as he tried to read the situation. But I was staring at AggroMan when the flop came down and as SB picked up his cards to look again and checked, AggroMan looked right at SB's cards. So, knowing that I was gonna use this to disrupt AggroMan's plan for this pot, I looked right at him and said aloud, "I check because I don't know what he has," speaking of SB's hand. I let him know right away that I knew he knew SB's cards. AggroMan said "I do, he shows them to me every time and I'm gonna look." So the turn came and we checked around and I knew that any plan AggroMan had of stealing this pot had been abandoned and so when the river came and it checked to me, I said "$30" and they folded. The point of this story is that AggroMan was surprised when I called him out on knowing SB's hand. Now you know that I know that he did nothing wrong, but I expressed that I was at an unfair disadvantage and I'm sure that AggroMan didn't bet with nothing because of it. Had I not said what I said, he would have surely bet the turn and I would have folded. I let him know that I would have looked too, but I know I disrupted his plan, and it won me the pot. He got outsmarted there and I won the $65 pot with 9 high.

So be advised, if you're at my table, I'm watching, and I'm listening. And the absolute best thing you can do is not be talking when you look at your cards because I know when what you say is being affected one way or another by what you're seeing. I'll never, ever forget a slight shoulder shrug I saw once at Sahara that was supposed to look like it was part of the conversation about the previous hand, but I knew it was a subtle "I have a raggy, limpy hand" shrug as the guy limped and that he had pocket aces and I would have bet BOTH my testicles against $2 on it. Obviously, since I still have my nuts, he had pocket aces.

Structureless

2009-02-22T06:12:00.000-05:00

See, I never really wanted a regular type life. You know, barbecues, ballgames, working nine to five. Maybe I did when I was younger, but even when I was sixteen, and wanted to marry my highschool sweetheart, I still desired something extraordinary. Back then, I figured I'd work for someone else, but I figured I'd find myself earning a remarkably high salary and living with my wife in a large city. But ever since just after high school, I've veered from that which now seems just a fantasy.

I just wasn't made for it I suppose. I don't know why this would be the case, but it seems to be. I've been playing poker now for over three years, and I gambled for years prior. Ever since the first day I decided that poker was for me, I've taken it very seriously. And up until now, I'd have to say that, barring restaurant work which I basically consider Hell on Earth, I don't know how to do anything else. I don't much want to either. God forbid that I'd reference the movie Rounders, but maybe the old guy was right, maybe we don't choose our destiny, maybe our destiny chooses us.

======================

This past week, I decided to stop trying to make a regular schedule for myself. I've been playing until I feel like quitting and I've been sleeping without being awakened by an alarm clock. As it happens, I've been falling to sleep around 7:00am and getting up at around 4:00pm. I get up, I drive over to Starbucks, drink coffee, read email, and write. I then come back home, spend a little time on the phone with a VIP, eat something, and then head out somewhere between 10pm and midnight to play poker. And it's been working. And though I've had a few good winning nights, that's not why it's working. It's working in that I've been very clear minded and I've been playing extremely well. I've skillfully dodged some big bullets in the past few days and I've just been in the zone metally.

I decided that friday night would be a long one. I left my apartment at about 9:30pm and was seated at the Venetian by 10:15. I played awhile before picking up a $43 win and heading over to Planet Hollywood. There, I flopped a boat, doubled up, and thrity minutes later I picked up my $100 win and headed to MGM where I took another uptick, that time for $200. It was 5:19am when I cashed out and decided to go back to the Venetian to play until I couldn't hold my head up any longer.

At 9:15am, I decided that enough was enough. I'd lost a minimal $38 during that fourth session and the table was suddenly flooded with early rising regulars coming in hot and fresh to try and undo my night's work. As you know, these people don't pose a threat to me in any way, but my mind and my body were tired so I decided to shut it down for the day with a total uptick of $305. I drove home and by the time I showered and was settled into bed it was 11:00am.

I woke up frequently throughout the day as I tried to sleep, but I didn't mind. I remember waking at around 4:30pm and realising that daylight was nearing it's end. Each time I awakened, my eyes burned and my body ached. I don't think I completed a sinlge full sleep cycle and at 9:00pm I got up. And here we've arrived at the point. There's something weird about waking up after dark. This strange feeling just overcomes. Even if I lie down for a nap and it goes long and when I wake it's dark, I feel eerie. And you know what? I like it. It was today, when I woke up from my off and on 10 hours of sleep that I began thinking about how weird my life is. There's just something about it that I can't find the words to describe. It's structureless, but it fits me perfectly. I am structureless, and I don't mind it at all. When I wake up and I have trouble figuring out what day it is, that haze is comforting. Rigth now, as I type this, the slight burn in my eyes as the lids try to stay closed on the tail end of extra long blinks is in no way unwelcome. This is who I am now, this was my destiny.

=================================

I said earlier in this post that I don't much want to do anything else. That's not entirely true, but the other thing I want to do is closely related. I want to write. I feel like the life I've experienced so far has been my research. I truly love writing about my experiences with poker so I'm actively working on figuring out how to get paid to do so. Other than playing poker, writing about it is the only thing I want to do. And of course, there are other things that I want from life that aren't career related.

But a regular life? I think it may be a bit late for that.

Lost in Time

2009-02-18T20:29:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I get lost in time. And sometimes 7 days go by without a blog post. I guess it just happens. Sometimes I just don't have anything to say. Sometimes things aren't going well and I don't feel like reporting on it. I guess that's a perk of being my own boss and being the boss of the blog. But here I am, it's wednesday evening, the sun is just setting behind the buildings across the street producing that familiar golden glow that fades into baby blue, steam from Starbucks coffee is rising underneath my nose, and I'm alive, in case you wondered.

Life has taken some crazy turns since the dawn of the new year. I came back from my Christmas break on fire. I knocked down about $2200 in the first two weeks and then the whirlwinds picked me up and whipped me through places I never expected. Don't take any of this the wrong way though, I'm happy about it. Everything that happened, which I'm sure I'll reveal to my dear readers eventually, is quite welcome. Sure, I may have gotten off track regarding poker, but I really don't care about that, and anyway, I'm getting back on track now. It would have been impossible for any human to stay on track under the circumstances.

So I had two good days this week and spent one fateful night erasing all my winnings. Contrary to what some would believe, I didn't get tilty. I lost about 6 buy ins, one at a time, to dreadful beats. I won't bore you with the details, but the nuts were never enough, they always found a way on the river to win or chop. When AA is less than A9o all in preflop, somethings wrong in the universe. Funny thing about that night was, if I'd played like my crazy opponents, I'd have won a bundle. I kept making every gutshot, I made quads, I made it all. But the math was never there and I would fold appropriately just to see my 10-1 shot hit the turn and the pot grow into a mountain of chips that would have been dead had I stayed in. I guess it was just one of those nights. Maybe there actually was something going on in the cosmos that had its celestial foot on my inferior Earthly throat. I tried harder than ever to be relentless and fight through it. I succeeded in relentlessly fighting, but failed at getting through it.

So I played a short session last night and was in extraordinarily high spirits. It may have had something to do with my sitting down, posting in the big blind, and doubling my buy in on the first hand when I turned 2 pair against a stubborn UTG preflop raiser. Or maybe it was the green tea I gleefully sipped thereafter, or perhaps it was the fact that I'd slept better than I had in days. It actually had more to do with things that happened before I ever left to play, but doubling on the first hand dealt to me is always a mood booster. I sat for awhile and ran up to about $320 from $100 and as the game changed dramatically at around 2:30am, I had dwindled to $262 and I decided to call it a night. But I heard something during the session that I hear all the time and I keep meaning to mention it here.

What is the deal with the phrase "nice bet" or "good bet"? I mean really, think about it. There is a very specific criterion that must be met in order for that phrase to hold any water whatsoever. One must know for sure what the bettor had. Quite possibly, what the opponent had would be an important piece of crteria as well. I hear all the time players saying this phrase whenever a guy bets and another guy folds. Sometimes it comes from the mouth of the guy who folds, but at least half the time it comes from a player who wasn't even in the hand. If you're not in the hand, how do you know it was a nice bet? Listen, a nice bet, or a good bet, is one that accomplishes its mission. If you want the guy to fold, and he folds, then good bet. If you want him to call, and he narrowly does, then good bet there as well. If I have the nuts and I bet $75 into a $75 pot, and my opponent folds, and you tell me "nice bet", well, you couldn't be more wrong. It was a terrible bet. That bet failed. A nice bet would have been what a true value bet is, and that would be the maximum amount that my opponent would call. If he would call $40, but not $45, then $45 would be a horrible bet and $40 would be a GREAT bet. And by the way, $40 would be a value bet, not $20. The term "value bet", the meaning of which most don't understand, is topic for another discussion. Most don't know that a vlue bet could be a bluff, that would be the least amount the opponent would fold for.

To go deeper, we would need to know the cards of the folder. If I hold AQ on an AKJ32 board, and I bet $60 on the river into an $80 pot, and my opponent folds K2, then it was a great bet. But if he folds AT, then it was a stinker of a bet. Get it? In other words, I am not in any way a fan of this phrase. If a guy bluffs, and it makes sense, and the other guy tanks it forever and finally folds showing 2 pair, and the other guy flips up 4 high, then, by all means, say "nice bet", that is if you want to boost the ego and morale of your opponet. And therein lies another reason to never say it. I, in no way, want to boost the confidence of my opponents. I won't do anything to try and make them feel stupid or inferior, but confidence is very important in poker, and I'd never want to feed my enemy's confidence.

So that's my view on "nice bet" or even "nice hand" if you want to get into that. Take it or leave it. I'm off now to session. Wish me to win a dimepiece my friends.

Good night.

A Dimepiece for an Asprin

2009-02-12T02:32:00.001-05:00

Ouch, I have a headache. It's 11:35pm in the desert and I'm propped up in the bed with the laptop. This damned thing gets HOT! When I ordered it, the guy told me about how the new (at the time) Core Duo processors run 30% cooler than the older ones. I'd hate to see the older ones, I'd have third degree burns on my legs. Maybe somethings wrong with the damned thing. Maybe I should close it and read a book anyway. Whatever.

I couldn't sleep last night, or what night would it have been? Let's see, this is wednesday night, so it was tuesday night that I didn't sleep, not a wink. I don't mean I tossed and turned, I mean I never turned out the lights or shut the laptop. I simply never went to bed. There are some things going on in my life right now that are very important to me. I just have some stuff going on. My mind is already hard to shut off, but when big things come up, it's just that much wilder. So I found myself wide awake at 9:00am this morning and I just couldn't see myself sleeping anytime soon so I did just what you'd expect. I got up, ate cereal, and headed out for a session. I ended up at Venetian and played a bit before realizing that I wouldn't be able to make it far. So, I headed back home and spent two hours vacuuming my apartment. I mean really? Have I lost my whole entire mind?

I eventually fell asleep at 4:00pm and woke up at 9:00pm. Now, as a result, I have a headache that seems to be rapidly increasing in intensity. I like waking up after dark though. Not on a regular basis, mind you, but when I break off from the norm I feel like some sort of growth occurs. I feel a slightly different reality than usual.

I know I've written in the past about how determined I am to make it in this game. And not just the game of poker, but the game of life. But recently I feel, not only more motivated than ever, but I feel absolutely inspired. I feel that now I have a bigger reason to succeed than to just satisfy myself. Even though I don't drink alcohol, smoke or use drugs and even though I try to eat healthier all the time, I simply have not been taking care of myself over the past few years. I haven't taken care of myself emotionally, mentally, or physically. I haven't allowed myself things that I need and at times I almost think I enjoy the pain of it all. But the truth is, I do care. I care about myself and I believe that I deserve to prosper. But now, I don't just want to do it for me.

I'm gonna go cook spaghetti. I'm freakin' starving. That cereal from 15 hours ago has long been spent. All I'm gonna say is, expect big things from TheTrooper97 in the near future.

Can't Think of a Title

2009-02-09T02:59:00.000-05:00

Ok, what's up. I figured I'd update the world on the late happenings of TheTrooper97's life as a poker player. In a word? Carddead. Actually that may need to be two words, "card dead" but if it's two words I couldn't say "in a word." Whatever.

I'm not worried, I just haven't been dealt a hand in a bit. I was in a crazy game at Ph last night when I recieved my first big opportunity to make money in a few days. Seat 4 and seat 7 had been battling and seat 3 was trying to get in there too. These guys were generating $1K+ pots repeatedly. I sat back for awhile with my $150 stack and once I'd dwindled to $110, seat 7 popped it preflop to $25 from the BB. This guy was a complete maniac preflop but he'd already folded to my reraise once. So, with KQo, I launched my stack into the middle. I guess he wasn't in the mood to fold that time and I doubled up on an AQxxx board. Who knows what he had.

Then came the hand. The big opportunity I just spoke of. I limped UTG with TT. Seat 4, who by the way was a good player but not affraid to call $60 preflop with J8 off and the like, limped as well. Seat 7 was on the button and he popped it to $26. When it came back to me I decided to just call because my stack was $197. I didn't want to run 5 cards for $400 against a maniac with TT. Seat 4 came along for the ride but I later learned that he was gonna re-pop preflop until he saw me call the $26. He was a smart one and he knew that when I came along he may have been in trouble.

Well, the flop was glorious. It lept from the dealer's hand to reveal T87 with 2 clubs to give me top set. I checked as did seat 4 and then seat 7 bet out $60. I raised it up to $171 putting myself all in and to my great surprise, seat 4 called quickly. Seat 7 reluctantly folded and I said to seat 4, whom I'd been talking with alot and cutting up and having fun with, "don't do it to me, I've got top set!!" because I thought he had a big draw. When I said that, I was sure he peed his pants a little. He looked deflated and I instantly knew he had a smaller set. I expressed to him that it was a tough beat and then the dealer put out the turn card, a red 9. I saw it and hy heart skipped two beats because I thought it was the case 8. Before the river was dealt, I knew it was coming, the 6 to put a straight on board and chop the pot. Fuck me to tears (ty Tuff_Fish).

I took it in stride and battled for awhile longer and ended up leaving the game with a downtick of $158. It sucked, but what can I do? I needed that pot. It was $480 and I had the guy drawing to a 22-1 shot. I'M A 22-1 FUCKING FAVORITE OMG!! The chances of the chop coming are 3.23% My chances of winnning are 92.42%. I guess I can thank God that the 4.34% chance of the case 8 coming didn't come through, at least not at that casino *wink*.

I didn't sleep last night, not at all. I tried, I really did, but I woke up about 30 times. I'm tired and I have a headache. Because of this I will not play tonight. I will be sleeping soon and I'll be playing a long day tomorrow starting early. All I can do is DO WORK! And I have much work to do.

UPDATE. in paragraph #2, the guy popped to $25, not $5. typo. how stupid would it be for me to shove a hundo into a $5 raise LOLOLOOL

Quick Question

2009-02-06T19:09:00.000-05:00

Ok, just a quick question. I have to get a new phone as my main screen is screwed. I send lots of texts so I thought at first that maybe I'd get the Samsung Rant which has a full keyboard. But now I'm wondering if I'd benefit from going Blackberry. Is there a major point to why I'd want one? Can't I check my email on the rant? I plan to go with the unlimited plan including data and everything. I just don't see myself writing blog posts on a Blackberry.

I ruled out the iPhone. I think that's be more toy than tool and I'm not into spending on toys at the moment. Same with Sprint's answer to it, what is that one called?

So please, help me out here with this decision. I think I'll get the new ophone tomorrow or sunday seeing as how this one is driving me nuts.

Click "comments"

Ed Sharty

2009-02-06T05:46:00.000-05:00

OMG, an entire store. Excuse me while I walk outside and puke.

Ok look, I'm sorry to anyone who may get offended by this, but that Ed Hardy shit is just TOO PLAYED OUT. Actually, don't get offended, I'm doing you a favor here. Realize it and don't ever wear that shit outside the house again.

I mean, I just don't get it. It seems to have been started by designer Christian Audigier as a line of t-shirts based around the art of a tattooing legend named Don Ed Hardy. I suppose that when I first saw one of the shirts, it looked different and attracted the eye. Then every douche bag in this fake ass town popped up wearing one. Did I say fake ass town? I meant to say FAKE ASS FUCKING TOWN!!! Sorry, but the shit is so over. And what made it worse is that I now see Ed Hardy belts, shoes, hats, thongs, purses and believe it or not, I actually passed a window tonight at the shops at Palazzo, behind which stood, on a table, bottles of Christian Audigier wine with that Ed Hardy shit printed all over the bottles. Dude, enough is enough.

Look, I have nothing against Christian Audigier or Don Ed Hardy. They are obviously brilliant people. But if I were Audigier, I'd sell my name and all that Ed Hardy shit as quickly as possible, because it's over. But then again, you know what? Maybe it's not over. I mean, how could I think that the mindless sheep who wander around this country playing monkey see monkey do their entire lives would ever stop spending way too much money on stupid clothes with a stupid logo on it just because all the other douche nozzels are doing it. I guess they really do all want to look alike. But why? Is it like a secret handshake type thing?

All I'm saying is that I look around this town and I see douche bags. They're everywhere. This has to be the douche capitol of the world. Wake up and smell the vinegar people. Many are here for a short time, and many live here. Their hair is fake. Their tans are fake. And the female ones are pretty much fake from head to toe. They all have Ed Hardy in their closets and they use it to cover their fake bodies while, at the same time, exposing their fake personalities. And they all impress each other. So long as they impress someone I suppose. Live and let live, but not without laughing at the douche bags.

Note: All douhces wear Ed Hardy, but not everyone who wears Ed Hardy is necessarily a douche. So if you're not a douche, please, stop dressing like one.

Thoughts From the Tub

2009-02-02T01:56:00.000-05:00

I arrived home about an hour ago after spending 6 hours at Planet Hollywood just to be ahead $7. My original $100 buy-in sank to a low of $55 and peaked at $170. I never bought in again, just the one time. Card deadness can really grate on your mind. In my earlier days of poker, a night like tonight could have easily been a $500 loss or more. Thank goodness I have more discipline these days. But my brain did start to hurt after 6 hours so I came home seeking some sort of relaxation.

There are 3 jacuzzis in my apartment complex. I think only one is open 24 hours but I could have taken a soak in that. But the chance of running into other people there just didn't appeal to me this evening so I decided on a soak in the ole bathtub instead. I know I've said in the past, barring for the purpose of playing with floating wind-up toys, that baths seem more suited for kids and ladies. I'm definately a shower guy. But I decided to try and become mindless for an hour. Trouble with that is, I can't turn it off. You know, my brain. It simply won't shut up.

When I was a little kid, the first thing I'd do upon lowering myself into a warm bath was pee. I'd pee right in the water. Even if I went just before the bath, it'd still happen. Actually, I think I was amused by the fountain show. These days, soaking in a urine bath just doesn't appeal to me, so I hold it until the post-bath shower.

So there I was, just trying to numb it all. I even had the doors to the bathroom closed and the only light was that which snuck underneath the doors. As my mind wandered to and from poker related topics, I began to imagine what it'd be like for someone to find me dead in the tub. I'd just be sprawled out there, a lifeless figure. I even tried different poses. This then led me to remembering something I used to think about when I was a kid. To take a guess at my age, I'd probably say I was around 10 or 11 years old. I vividly remember wondering whether or not anyone would miss me if I died. I would think about the kids from my school. I'd think about individuals and wonder if this guy would miss me or if that girl would miss me. I'm sure that, especially with a little more info, a professional could tell me why I had such morbid thoughts. By the way, I don't have those anymore. I just pictured myself as a dead body in a bath tub, you know, like in the movies.

As hard as I tried to mellow out and put my mind on anything but poker, my thoughts kept reverting. I guess I'm a little dissappointed in the fact that I've ended January a little short of my goal. I'm not gonna let myself get too down about it, I just have to keep grinding. The last couple of days have been kinda pukey which is why I'm home now, I just couldn't take anymore at the moment.

For the last two weeks, no matter how much I tried to rest up and be fresh for poker, I couldn't seem to do it. It doesn't seem to matter how much I sleep, or how little. I'm just tired. Right now, I can't seem to hold my eyes open. It's now 11:30pm and I need, and want, to be awake at 5:30am. I'm thinking that I'll go to sleep right now, and then get up, do what I'm doing at that hour, and then head straight out to MGM for a session. If I do well there in two hours or less, then I'll head to the Venetian and swing again. Either that, or I'm taking tomorrow off. I need to think on it.

This post is pointless, and I know it. Whatever.

Bellagio, Officially Boycotted, Officialized by the Office of TheTrooper97

2009-01-30T05:57:00.000-05:00

Fucking fuck. I was so pissed tonight whilst playing. I don't know what got into me, but it happened last night too. I'm just hitting a rough spot and it's pissing me off. Those happen, but it's happening at a bad time. Don't fear, I only lost $88 last night and $16 tonight. But last night I played for 8 or 9 hours, all at Planet Hollywood. Tonight I started there but then moved over to Bellagio.

Bellagio. Fuck Bellagio. I truly hate the place. I love the fountain out front, but the poker room can, for all I care, fall deep into, and rot deep within, the firey pit of Hell. I sat tonight and it's just so damned uncomfortable. Why are the tables so small? Why? No, really, someone fucking tell me why? They are smaller than normal tables, and then they are packed into that room like sardines. I wish I'd counted the number of times people bumped my chair from behind tonight. It was many times, and I only played for 20 minutes. That's right. I lost my first $100 with a 2 pair to the turned gutshot and then I loaded another hundo. I got AA, won about $50. Then I super-snap-called this guy with 3rd pair who dared bluff TheTrooper97. I got up even with my $200 and walked out, swearing never to return. I hereby officially boycott Bellagio.

I was on today. I was reading well. I was folding to monsters and playing agressively in position. But then, at PH, I raised with KK to $12 from the small blind and got two callers. The flop brought Qd8c5c. I led for $25 and this guy gave a face and then raised $35 on top. Including his $35 raise he had $99. I stared at the guy and I knew. I sure as fuck knew he flopped a set. There was nothing else this guy could have. A queen wasn't possible. I didn't even think this guy would call preflop with Q8 or 85. He had a set, and I knew it. But then I raised anyway. What the fuck aka WTF. I don't know why I did it. I simply don't know. It was my mood. I got stubborn. I was pissed off and how dare the deck spit on my KK like that. You know the rest, he showed 55 for the set and I lost the $185 pot.

I guess everybody makes mistakes, even me. But it angers me. I couldn't belive that I knew what he had and then pissed the $99 away anyway. To make me sicker, I called $12 from my $50 stack with JJ from the SB the next orbit. The flop was J high and I doubled through AA. But what was bad was that the guy had $80 left and it would have been mine if it were one hand later as I like to reload on my button hand. It was shit just not working out.

On a positive note, I did buy a CD on the way to PH. I stopped by Best Buy and picked up the latest Testament release. It's called The Formation of Damnation and it rips it up, hard. I decided to not have music play on my blog anymore, but here is the title track if you're interested, just click "play". It happens to be very inspirational for me regarding poker. Poker, after all, is a war. It will be loaded onto my iPod for tomorrow as I fight it out at the tables. I like to use every bit of motivation I can. And when I hear Chuck Billy growl out "I will fight relentlessly" and "I will kill the enemy", I get fucking pumped. I'm pumped right now as I listen in my apartment and I'm about ready to go fire at slobs at MGM at 3:30am. I'm staying up all night anyway. It's planned. Rip it up.

I will fight relentlessly
I stand tall defiantly
I see what you cannot see
I invoke the beast in me

I fear not the agony
I breathe hope inside of thee
I will kill the enemy
I fulfill my destiny

The Formation Of Damnation - Testament

Wandering Off

2009-01-28T00:46:00.000-05:00

Words. I love words. Love 'em. I truly love writing. Every once in awhile, I write something and I read it and it sounds intelligent. The words work to form sentences which perfectly describe what I wish to convey. When that happens, I feel such a sense of satisfaction, it's like nothing else that I do. But as it happens, words only make up about 10% of human communication with the other 90% being made up of physiology, or body language, and tonality. Body language actually determines over 50% of the impact of something one tries to communicate to another. I suppose this information makes it even more amazing that one could write words alone and get a point and a feeling across.

Don't get me wrong here, I'm not saying that I'm a good writer. I only wish to be. For all I know, that which I write may be best suited as toilet paper, except that it's all digital, on a computer screen. I do suppose that one could print out copies of my blog posts and then proceed to wipe his or her ass with it. And I would never say that he or she would be wrong for that, unless of course paper cuts were the consequence, in which case I think that the price of any wrong doing would be paid.

I tried to cleverly use a word just a bit ago, but I'm affraid I may have failed. I actually can't figure it out. The guy at Starbucks asked if I wated him to leave room at the top of my coffee in order to fit cream and I couldn't decide. It was obvious that I thought about how to answer his question and after doing so, I felt the need to explain why I wouldn't immediately know whether or not I wanted to add cream to my coffee. In my supposedly witty attempt to quell his thirst for an explanation for this quandary, I said "It's mood determinate." Obviously, what I meant was that my mood determines whether or not I would want to add cream and sugar to the coffee. But what I may have said is that it's possible to determine the mood of my coffee, as if it has a personality, which may or may not mean that what I said was, after all, correct. If anyone who reads this is an expert on the English language, or if anyone just happens to know whether or not what I said is the same as what I meant, please inform me as such. Thank you.

I believe that, even without the reader's ability to see my body language, or hear the tone of my voice speaking the words, this post reflects my current mood. Even if you, the reader, were here at this moment, I'm sitting inside Starbucks. I'm typing, not speaking aloud. I'm also wearing a poker face which is not giving away any clues as to my state of mind. I am not waving my arms or pointing or making any other common gestures which might give away more of what I mean. But I think you get it, I really do, which means I'm succeeding.

I am, as it stands, surprised at my current mood. I woke up today to a lovely surprise, but later I became a little down. I decided to not play poker today, because I really wandered off last night and became a little depressed as a result. I guess that carried over into today and I decided that battling it out at the tables wasn't optimum strategy. And speaking of wandering off, I came up with that phrase today by accident. I've previously mentioned my tendency to feel that there's someplace I'd rather be. Even when I'm doing exactly what I want to be doing, I sometimes mentally wander off and wish I were someplace else. Sometimes I physically wander off and leave the Strip early when I had every intention of playing more poker. It usually happens between sessions, such as when I'm leaving Planet Hollywood on foot, en route to Bellagio or elsewhere. So I've decided to call it wandering off. I believe we need a clinical title for this tendency that I've had since childhood and so it shall be done. Wandering off.

As for my love for words, I've actually been searching for some words recently. I've been searching through many, many songs and their lyrics in search of the words that actually describe what I've been feeling lately. Since I'm primarily a listener of music of a heavier variety, that's where I've been looking. It'd be simple to find the words in some cheese-ball pop poopie. Somewhere, like the proverbial needle in the haystack, I think I found the track whose lyrics, as well as title, describe the overall scope of my current emotional state and desires. However, upon locating said song, I realised that it must be kept my secret. The feelings that were summed up, realised, and brought to the surface must remain untold.

I feel extra intelligent this evening. The irony in that statement is that I'm not so sure that 11:05pm is the evening. The statement may also be grammatically incorrect, which is purposeful, and according to some with a common misinterpretation of the term intelligence, this would add a whole other layer of irony. However, I am of the opinion that intelligence and knowledge are two different things. One could certainly know more than a more intelligent person, and vice versa. So just because I don't know whether or not it's currently evening, doesn't mean I'm any less intelligent. In fact, I believe I am more capable than the average person of finding out whether or not it is indeed evening, which would mean I'm smarter than some who may be more knowledgable. So perhaps there is no real irony in my statement. But back to the evening thing, after a quick reading of the defination of the term, it is not currently evening. It is in fact, night. I just increased my knowledge.

To get to the main point, I love writing about my life as a poker player and I've decided to begin searching for a way to expand the role of writing in my life. I strongly desire to string more and more words together for more and more people to read. I'm not exactly sure how I intend to make this happen, but I have some ideas. In my mind, it would be a great accomplishment to be able to write a column for a magazine or something of that nature. Who knows? Perhaps this is an opportunity to apply myself and shoot for something. Am I game? Will I rise to this self-appointed challenge? If I don't, will it mean I'm a failure? I guess well just see, won't we? Now, if I can only find the words.
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Opinions?

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Dreamland Bound

2009-01-27T04:41:00.001-05:00

I don't know what happened. I went down to Planet Hollywood with the intention of playing a long night. I slept well, and long. I was ready. But then, after a 4 hour session at PH, I got up down $50. I was into the game for $300 and was back to $250 from my third buy-in. I considered staying but my SOP is to leave at that point and I was getting a bad vibe. I felt like going straight to Bellagio for the next session, but I was hungry.

I decided to drive to El Pollo Loco on Tropicana. As I walked to the car my mind started to wander. See, today was the first day that was business a usual in about a week. And as I've always had a problem with feeling like there's someplace I'd rather be, today I felt compelled to be somewhere else and to be doing something else way more than usual. I think I knew it was going to happen and that's why I didn't really want to cash out from PH. I normally don't know where I'd rather be or what I'd rather be doing, but today, I knew. And it wasn't possible for me to be there or to do that.

So I went to El Pollo Loco and hit the drive through. I ate way too much grease and then decided that I'd go to Red Rock, way on the other side of the valley, and play a session, but on the way, I'd stop by the Palms and redeem $15 free play. When I walked out of the Palms I was feeling even more down, so I decided to go home.

I drove for a bit and then decided to stop by Sunset Station. I haven't played there in awhile so I figured I'd check out the game. I guess I knew I should keep playing. I actually found a little motivation in myself. I walked in and the game was 4 handed. I played for a bit and then the dealer started really pissing me off. I haven't really spoken of it here but something about Sunset Station pissed me off a couple months ago. It's actually the reason that I haven't been playing there lately. I used to play there all the time, mainly on days I worked at Carrabba's and then I hit the jackpot there. But the thing that pissed me off, really pissed me off. So I basically quit them. I felt like saying something to someone in charge, but I never did. But tonight, the dealer was saying things he shouldn't have been saying. The game was 4 handed and he was commenting about how there was no action. He just kept on and on. I was preparing to take a stack or two. I was there to do work. But he was pissing on it. I got so angry as I sat there and tried to play the game. By the time he was pushed by the next dealer, I was on mega-fucking-monkey-tilt.

I ended up making a big call in a 4 way pot with the nut flush draw and a gutshot draw on the turn. I did it out of frustration and I knew the guy had the nut straight and I was only good if my flush came. I called $80 and was getting like 2-1 for a 4-1 shot. Bad, bad, bad by me. I stood up and said aloud that I was never going to play there again even though I live around the corner.

Tomorrow, the first thing I plan to do before I hit Planet Hollywood is pay a visit to the poker manager at Sunset. I think her name is Elaine, but I'm not sure. The thing that happened a couple months ago needs to be brought to her attention and last night's bull shit will as well. Why I didn't stand up when I had $98 and leave telling the dealer why he was a jerk-off, I'll never know. But I'm the fucking customer in these rooms and if they don't want to give me the service that I'm paying for then fuck 'em, there's a hundred other places for me to play.

Anyway, I'm alot more pissed off than this post reflects, but I'm really tired. This past week has exhausted me. But I have only 5 days left in this month and I have more work to do. I'm beginning to feel the pressure too. At this very moment I'm up for the month to the tune of $2079. That includes a downtick of $130 for tournies at Sahara, so for cash games I'm up $2209. I haven't put in much time in the past week, but most days that I played a little I did win some. My goal for January was $3000 so I suppose in order to meet that goal I need to make $921 in five days. I don't plan to give up on that goal. If I make it, I'll pay rent on the first and will start the month with $600 more than I started last month. Why does gas and food and such have to cost so much? Oh well, gl me.

It's 63 degrees in my apartment and it's 41 outside. That's the way I like it. Even though I'll be in it alone, my bed is quite cozy and warm. I plan to be in it very shortly. I have a request for whomever is in charge of what I dream about. And even though I probably won't remember it anyway, I hope it comes true.

Good night.

Vloggle Episode 1

2009-01-25T01:27:00.000-05:00

Coffee is a diuretic, which means it makes you pee extra. It increases the production of urine. As a result, when I sit at starbucks for hours drinking coffee, I obviously have to pee from time to time. What concerns me about this is that every time I go tinkle, I leave my laptop sitting either on a table or in a chair. Usually, I visually survey the people sitting around the store and as I walk towards the restroom, I pretend to be heading to the register as if to order something. I then continue on and hope that if anyone were to try and snatch my laptop that I paid fifteen hundge for, someone would be a good samaratin and stop the perpetrator, or at the very least, tell me which way they went. I try to pee quickly, but it only takes a second for a thief to snatch and run. Maybe I need a better system.

G-vegasite Shenanigan Report

2009-01-24T07:45:00.000-05:00

Clean. That's me. Whenever I've ever worked anywhere, in a restaurant, as a dealer, whatever, when I got off work, it felt good. But I never really felt like I was done with work for the day until the moment I stepped out of the shower which I would always take immediately upon arriving home. It's the same with poker. It's 4:45am and I just stepped out of the shower, clean and fresh, so my day is done.

I'm so very tired, but I don't want to sleep. My mind is racing and I want to do things, some that I regularly do, and some that I don't. I got a million thoughts running wild. I wonder if I were lying on my death bed, and I knew the moment had come, would I ask for two more hours. Just a simple, two hour extension. Well, that's what I want this early morning. I just wish that it were 2:45 instead of 4:45. I just don't want to sleep right now. I didn't really even want to go play tonight, but I did it anyway.

I spent 4 hours doing something very important today before I went out tonight so I didn't start until late. I arrived at the Venetian at almost 9:00pm and Deville and I ate noodles at Noodle Asia. XO Shrimp Lai Fan, delicious. I probably didn't spell it right though. After food, we walked over to the Mirage and met up with TrustMeClickFold. We put our names on the list for a $115 SNG but suddenly Deville got a bad vibe. We headed out the door, hopped in a cab, and had it take us downtown.

Deville and TrustMeClickFold signed up for a players card at Binion's and then proceeded to get their pictures taken with the $1Million in cash. For this, they each got a coupon packet which contained a $10 matchplay. I had a $10 matchplay as well that I'd found on the poker desk and so we proceeded to a blackjack table and plopped the coupons down with $10 each. TrustMeClickFold's hand was first and he was dealt 14, mine was second and I got 20 (obv), and Deville was third, he got 16. But the dealer showed a 4 and we all stood. The dealer flipped up the worst card ever, and ace, but then went paint, paint and shipped us $20 each. We only played the one hand and then walked to the cage. Ty for the $60 Binion's.

We then proceeded across the street to the Golden Nugget. We each sat in a cash game and TrustMeClickFold drug a few nice pots. I never got a hand, and Deville got bent over by set over set over set. Those two went to play the tourny and I stayed put in the cash. I played forever and never really got a hand. Once I flopped a flush and doubled up, but I was still down $50 after that hand. When my table broke, just a bit ago, I accepted a $74 loss for the day, left those two there and hopped in a cab back to the Venetian to my car. TrustMeCLickFold was involved in a cash game and Deville was still in the tourny and I was already out 2 hours past when I wanted to go home.

Last night was fun too, we all three ended up at PH and I booked a $115 win on top of the $188 win I'd had earlier that day. Ship another $300+ day. Between session, those guys had arrived and Deville and I used a $75 food credit I had at Harrah's. We had spring rolls, t-bones, and 2 deserts to go. Ty food credit.

So that's a shenanigan update. I'm so tired. Someone needs to do laundry and someone needs to load and start the dishwasher. Someone also needs to make me food and deliver it to my bed and then press play on Everybody Loves Raymond. Since I'm the only one here, the laundry won't get done, I'll just run out of boxers and socks, and the dishes will continue to rot in the sink. As for food, shit if I know. I think the odds are pointing to cereal, let's hope the milk hasn't gone bad. I need to sleep becasue I need to get up for important things tomorrow. I may not play poker because this week has just been insane. I'm exhausted.

Vloggle

2009-01-22T19:01:00.000-05:00

Alright, alright...ALRIIIIIGHT! I'm awake. No, no one's here, my luck doesn't run like that. I'm just screaming at myself, silently.

I'm washed, brushed, shaven, and ready to present myself to the world. You know, sometimes, I look in the mirrior and I see myself as cute. Quite adorable really. But then I snap a picture with my new camera and I look like a fuckin' wildebeast or a moose or the Devil, I don't know what. What gives?

Anyway, three G-vegasites are aboard an airplane as I write this. That plane, ladies and gentlemen, is headed for this very valley. DeVille, TheNokia, and TrustMeClickFold are en route. I'm always excited to see G-vegasites. I'm sure there'll be trouble, and plenty of it. I can't promise that I won't be involved in said trouble, but I can promise that I'll report on any notable shenanigans.

So I've decided to expand my involvement in smearing my existence across the internet. I'm creating a vlog, or video log, or vloggle, or whatever the fuck you want to call it. I think it will be entertaining, I'll be doing it from an interesting place. I'll tell about poker and probably rant, it'll be fun.

Ok, I'm off to Planet hollywood. Gl me.

Alive

2009-01-22T01:18:00.000-05:00

For those who may have read my last two posts, you can take me off suicide watch, I never got around to flinging myself off the Hoover Dam. Believe me, I'll kill many others before I kill myself. Don't take that too seriously, I'm not gonna kill anyone.

Over the last 2 days I've been on quite a roller coaster ride. As a one time maniac gambler, and now a poker player, I'm used to roller coasters. I had about a billion emotions to sort through and I still have many. I was quite down on myself, but I've pulled out of it a little. I woke today a little relieved and I went down to Planet Hollywood to do the work that needs to be done.

I played for about 2 hours I guess. During my first orbit I was dealt AA UTG. I limped and a guy raised in the middle to 12. When it got back to me I made it $27. He called. I'm having trouble recalling the exact flop, but it was J high and a straight could have been there. I lead out for $25, I wanted to look weak, I wanted action. He raised and I put it in and he showed KJ. So I doubled up without even posting a blind.

I dwindled back down to even, don't ask me how. I was a little disappointed in it though. Then I limped UTG to a straddle with 9d8d. The straddler checked and we saw the flop 6 ways. It showed up 976 with two clubs. I wasn't yet sure what I wanted out of this so I checked. A guy bet $15 and 2 players called before it got back to me. I decided to take my chances if a flush draw was in and I launched my remaining $88. They all folded, that pot put my stack at around $150.

A little bit later I limped UTG to a straddle again, this time with 44. After a couple other limps the straddler made it $16. I had enough and he had enough for me to try and flop a set, plus I figured I'd start the avalanch of calls since I was first. I ended up the only caller. The flop struck QsTs5d. He checked. Now many times, when a guy raises preflop oop (out of position) and then checks the flop, especially when there are big cards out there, he's flopped a set. But I payed close attention and was very tuned in today. I checked behind. The turn brought a 6 and he bet out $20 into about $40. I began to feel that he had AK. My gut told me he didn't have a set. I called. The river brought out another Q and he bet out $30 into $80. I took my time with it, and though I should have raised if I thought my fours were good, I just called. He showed me KJ which was a better flop than I thought for him. I drug the pot.

The very next hand I limped UTG with 22. A guy raised to $12 and we saw it five ways. The flop was 972 with two spades. I was first and there was a guy between me and the preflop raiser, which is not-so-great position for me. I checked and the guy in the middle checked and the raiser fired $25 into $60. The other two folded and when it got to me I may have made a mistake. I raised it up to $75. The middle guy folded and the bettor thought for about 15 seconds and mucked. He said jacks but he's full of the shittiest of shit.

I felt like my check raise from $25 to $75 was a mistake because I wanted more value. If he had AK, I really needed an A or K to hit the turn, but of course we didn't see a turn. I should have thought more about his bet size. If he had an overpair he probably would have bet out like $45 instead of $25. But I had another problem, the guy in between us. If I flat the $25, the I give the middle guy a chance to call $25 into a $110 pot. I couldn't do that. I had to charge something. I hate a min-raise there so I guess I got what I could. Had I been last to act on the $25 bet, I would have flatted or maybe I'd have min-raised to protect against another spade hitting. I don't give him a spade draw, but another spade after my flat call of $25 would have surely killed my action in what had been a 5 way flop.

Anyway, there's a poker post for ya. I played well and I left with an uptick of $170. I didn't play a second session or beyond because there was something else I wanted to do. I'm at starbucks to do that something now.

GL kids, and to me.

Quickie

2009-01-21T19:04:00.001-05:00

I feel better. 'Nuff said. Now let's go do work.

What I Deserve

2009-01-21T02:30:00.000-05:00

Back when I thought there was a chance that I may one day sing them, I used to write songs. What I wrote usually came from deep within and was heavily influenced by what I may have been going through at the time. Writing those songs was my outlet. I wrote about lost love. I wrote about my struggles with my personal demon. I got to sing a few of them to an audience, but most were only sung while driving in my car. These days, I don't write songs, I write this blog. This blog certainly tells a story of a guy on a journey. A journey through life and the world of poker and this guys quest to find out who he is and where he belongs. Quite a few people have been following this story and I think that's great, the more the merrier. Most have never met me, and that makes writing here a little easier. But that's not all this blog is. This is my outlet. It's really my only outlet. I'm not affraid to post things here that I wouldn't neccessarily talk to someone about. Fact is, when it comes to poker or alot of other areas of life, I have friends to talk to. And I love being a friend for others to talk to. But when it comes to more serious matters, I have no one. This is the way it is because this is what I've chosen, like it or not. Point is, if you're looking for a poker post, this isn't it.

Last night was exhausting, today was as well. I managed to fall sleep about 5:30am which is quite a bit later than my norm since returning from G-vegas from Christmas. I woke up at 3:20pm and tried to head down to Planet Hollywood, despite the heavy issues on my mind. I figured I'd get away by hitting the poker table and I really don't have time to stop. I never made it to Planet Hollywood.

I found myself walking about Town Square Las Vegas with a coffee. Town Square is a large outdoor shopping complex with restaurants and such. It feels like a tiny city. I remember back about 9 years ago when my girlfriend at the time turned me on to coffee. She was a grad student and had taken a liking to cafe mochas while studying at Barnes & Noble. When we broke up and she left to join the Army to work in intelligence, I found myself going through a very sad period. On an especially lonely night, I grabbed a cafe mocha from The Coffee Beanery in Myrtle Beach and about half way through it I began to cheer up. This is why I associate coffee with feeling better during times of emotional upset. Today, coffee didn't work. I drank it anyway because it is my only source of comfort. It's still my security blanket.

So I walked. I walked around and around Town Square. With each step, I grew sadder and more depressed. I deserve to be sad and lonely. See, sometimes, people make mistakes. They don't always mean to make them, but they still deserve the punishment. If you go out tonight, get drunk and drive, and accidentally kill a guy, we all know you didn't mean to do it. But you still have to pay for it. You're gonna pay just as much as a cold blooded murderer. It's just the way it is. I deserve to pay. In fact, though I have very little, I don't even deserve what I do have. Today, I know this. I've always know it subconsciously. This is probably why I live alone in an empty apartment in Las Vegas.

Any opportunity to be happy in my life has either been ripped from me or I've fucked it up. I could blame events of my childhood. I guess I could blame alot of things. But I'm the real one to blame. I try to be a good person. I try to be honest. But the truth is, when it counted, I let myself and other very important people down. I always let people down. There are a few that are on my mind tonight. If I were you, I wouldn't depend on me.

The last 27 hours or so have been the saddest of my life. I deserve it. No, I deserve so much worse. I've paid out alot in the form of pain and misery, but I still owe. I accept the responibility. All I can think about are the ones I've encoutered and then let down. It is all I can think about. I know why. I know what happened. But I have no excuse. And so, all I'm left with is an empty apartment in the filthiest cesspool of a city and the chase of riches through the game of poker. I'm beyond smart enough to make that happen. But I could never find true happiness in poker and perhaps that is why I am here. I can't lie, I'm happy playing poker. But it's just a job and the odds of finding true happiness are much lower here, I can feel it.

Maybe this is a turning point. Maybe this is the beginning. Maybe I can find hope. I'm feeling a little better since I started this post, but I know I don't deserve to. I want everything I deserve.

A Long Time Ago

2009-01-20T02:44:00.000-05:00

I've found an interesting aspect of writing this blog. Sometimes I write a post, and then weeks or months later, I can re-read the post and perhaps see something I didn't see when I wrote it. I can sort of look at myself from an outside point of view.

Tonight, a particular post was mentioned to me by a person who I never in a million years thought would ever find or read my blog. Actually, I haven't spoken to this person in many years and figured I never would again. I figured this person must passionately hate me. The mentioned post was partially about this person. When I read the message sent to me by this person, in which the post was referenced, I had to go back and read the post to figure out what she was talking about. I read the post several times and through doing so, I may have discovered something about myself. I believe I've put some things together. It occured to me that something that happened to me when I was 10 years old may be greatly affecting my life today in ways I never suspected. I think I learned the reason why I respond to a particular situation with such despair, and that I may attempt to avoid ever being in this situation by not allowing neccessary precursers to occur. I may have unknowingly created this perpetual sorrow. If this seems cryptic, it should, that's the way I want it.

I've been sitting in this chair at starbucks for almost six hours. I haven't played any online poker. I've read that blog post quite a few times as well as many others. I'm not sure what I'm searching for, unless it's the answers to the feelings about which I'm confused. Maybe, through reading my own work, I'm desperately searching for some minute clue about who I am and what I'm doing here. I was on the strip earlier. I scored $216 at Planet Hollywood and as I was heading over to Bellagio for another session, something stopped me. I just got the feeling that I wanted to be done for the day. I did an about-face and headed for the car. I figured I'd go spend the rest of the evening working on an online poker project I've assigned myself. It was like a psychic moment when I decided to abort the Bellagio mission because on my way home, I recieved that message. Since then, I've been here, pondering the whys and hows of decisions I've made. Thank God I don't drink, I'd surely be drowning my sorrows tonight. Fortunately, I choose to drown them in coffee.

I was tired today. I woke up abruptly and stayed up despite thinking I shouldn't. I'm extremely tired now. For some strange reason, I feel safe at Starbucks. I don't really want to go home, it's almost as if I'm affraid to. As tough as I try to be, every once in awhile I realize that I'm not so tough. Quite the contrary, in fact, I'm weak. Sometimes, I think I know the truth. And then, the truth I thought I knew is proven in fact, untrue. In an extremely long moment of indecision, I studied facts and formed my own truth. But, I guess, the real truth has a way of finally revealing itself, sometimes years and years later. Then, decisions have to be made on what to do with the newfound truth. If any decision I've ever made was right, it was that.

Tonight, I'm simply lost. I feel deep, deep sorrow. All of tonight's turmoil is of my own creation, no one else's. To be very clear, no one else is to blame, only me. I'm glad I got that message from that person with whom I haven't spoken in so long.

My eyes are burning and my head is beginning to hurt. I'll probably talk myself into going home soon. I very much wish to be asleep before the sun comes up, though I'm scared to death of what I might dream. I'm the only person here at 2:45am. How appropriately poetic.

This post has been written to provide a therapeutic outlet for my current state of mind and self. It isn't neccessarily meant to be understood. I can't explain further.

The Paths I've Chosen

2009-01-19T02:24:00.001-05:00

So I finished the second half of cleaning my apartment today. When I say cleaning, I mean removing dust from everything with my new vacuum cleaner and vacuuming the carpet. I don't wear my shoes inside, ever, so I usually don't vacuum. But I realised how much dust was around and I went on a rampage. Some items were in the same place they ended up when I moved in here last may. I don't have furniture, except for the bed, so shit just lies around. I'm clean, I am not organized.

So this is what it looks like when I go on a vacuuming tear...

And this is my one piece of furniture...

I vacuumed the dust from every book and DVD and everyting else in Casa Del Trooper.

***********************************************

I just want to say, for the record, that I love this life. I love every minute of it. I love all the good things that have ever happened to me and I love all the shitty things as well. The good and the bad have together shaped my journey. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I've done a few things I'm proud of and I've done some things that I'm not. I'm sure I haven't always applied myself and there are many things I could have achieved that I never tried for. I always knew that I could have gone anywhere and done anything.

I chose my paths. Of all the avenues I could have taken, I took the ones I took. They have led me to where I am now. And now, each day I choose paths. There are a few things I'd like to change. Whether or not I'll change them is up to me, and I mean, who knows. I can't complain about where I am or how I got here, this is what it is. At least at the moment, I sleep when I want to sleep and I get up when I want to get up. I have alot of wasted time to make up, and I'm trying.

I recently got sucked into the FaceBook thing and I have people whom I haven't seen or spoken to in a very long time popping up. It's had me thinking of times past, and how so very long ago those times were. They say life is short, and I agree. But if you think about it, it's very long. I think about the last time I saw one person, it was five years ago, and I think, wow, that was forever ago. It makes me happy that I've had so much time in this life and, God willing, I have so much time to go. Sometimes I think that age 70 is right around the corner, and sometimes, if I try, I think it's so far away that I shouldn't even think about it at all.

I'm proud of who I am. I'm not proud of everything I've done, but even the bad things deserve their places in my story. My story. I'm not the kind of person who's story many care about. But there may be a few. Many people have touched me throughout my life, and I've touched many. I like to believe that I touched most in a good way. To any that I didn't, I'm sorry. If there's one thing I know, it's that we can't change the past. Many have tried, none have succeeded. At the moment, I'm not sure I'd want to.

Wind-Up

2009-01-18T03:37:00.000-05:00

My fingers look like prunes. I'm all wrinkly. This is due to the fact that I spent the last hour in the tub playing with two little plastc wind-up toys, one a dolphin and one a goldfish, that I bought for $3.50 each at ABC Store at Planet Hollywood. What can I say, they're fun. They float and shoot across the water propelled by rapidly waving fins on their rear. To make the tub experience complete, I suppose I needed bubble bath and crazy foam. Ah, it's fun being a kid.

As one could guess, I took today off. Yesterday was my seventh in a row at the tables and I was feeling a little burned out and frustrated for the last two. So today I went to Starbucks and chilled and played a little on FTP just to screw around. I considered going to the movies but today was saturday and I hate crowded theaters so I decided to pass on it. So instead I went and purchased a vacuum cleaner and spent two hours cleaning half of my apartment. I plan to do the other half tomorrow. There sure was alot of dust lying around.

So that's it. I guess when I'm not playing poker I have a tough time figuring out what to do with myself so I vacuum and then I play in the tub like a little kid. And I did feel like a kid repeatedly watching the dolphin chase the goldfish around the tub. Why am I writing about it? Who the hell knows. What I do know is that it's time for cheese tortellini and Everybody Loves Raymond.

Good night.

Big Move, Big Night

2009-01-14T15:56:00.000-05:00

Good morning there kids. It's wednesday and I'm up early, I actually hit the floor at 11:30am. I'm not sure why, I just woke up. So here I am at Starbucks sipping on a 16 oz. cup of pure bliss.

Yesterday was a good day. The day before was good too, but yesterday was quite a gem. I started out at Planet Hollywood as usual. The second hand I was dealt was JJ UTG. I limped and the guy on my left made it $11 to go. I was his only caller. The flop came out 9 high with 2 clubs. I checked and the guy bet $15. Not only was the flop good for my hand, but I felt like he was simply continuation betting. I rasied it up to $45 and he shoved so fast I saw smoke rise from the felt. Well, I had $44 left, an over pair, and the pot was $159 including his $44 that would put me in. I had no info on the guy, I'd just gotten there and it was so early in the day. So I obviously put it in and he flipped 99 for top set. Fortunately for me, I hit my 7-1 shot in the form of running clubs. I only know the odds of that one thanks to the CardPlayer calculator that's in front of me now. It's about 25-1 to backdoor a flush, of course I could have hit a J as well.

So I got lucky on that one. A little later I left and headed over to the Palazzo parking garage. I left the car and walked over to the Fasion Show Mall. I browsed a store and then headed back across to the Venetian. Along the way I began to feel a bit like not playing poker. My mind went to a certain place and I desired to do something besides poker. But I tried to stay focused. I decided to sit at the Venetian and if I lost $100 I'd leave. Of course if I won I'd leave as well and call it a night. I walked in and sat at table 22 seat 4.

There was a guy in seat 10. He was a major douche. I wanted to rip that aligator off his baby blue shirt and slap him until he stopped singing that stupid piece of garbage that was playing around the casino at that moment. I just took a moment to find out what the song was. It was some moron named Akon and the song was "Right now." Hopefully you've never heard of it, but that'd be hard the way they try to jam that garbage down our throats these days. But if you could picture the whitest of white boys, from Canada no less, bopping his head and singing that ball of vomit, give me a big fat fucking break.

Yikes, I got a little sidetracked there. So anyway, there was another guy in seat 2. This guy had about $1100 when I sat down and he thought he was player of the year, let me tell you. But I watched the guy blow off about $400 like it was nothing. He was one of those, you know, he was a superstar of poker in his mind. He'd call any bet preflop with any two cards if it was seat 7 or seat 10 betting because he wanted to out play them post-flop. I watched him closely because at whatever point I decided to play, there'd be a good chance it'd be against him. He was always betting, it appeared that he liked to push the action. And he was obviously addicted to making "superstar" plays. I planned to take those characteristics and pound them up his ass, to be blunt. He also wore a hat that read "Dream Team Poker" which is a new type of poker tournament game that I know nothing about.

So anyway, the goober in seat 10 got up and left after losing a pot and since the 10 seat is my favorite, I moved over there and my former seat was quickly filled by a guy waiting for a 2-5 seat. About 10 hands later I was dealt KQ in the SB. It limped around and BB checked and the flop dropped AJT with two clubs. With the nuts, I checked the flop in the six way pot. I mean, surely somebody would bet that flop right? Does anyone have an ace? Well, it checked all the way around. To my delight, the turn was a non-club nine, so no pair and no flush. I bet out $10 into the $12 pot. Seat two called and then seat 4 popped me up to $30. The action then reached seat 7 and he was thinking. As he thought I uncapped my cards and not-so-obviously picked them up in my left hand. He called and I dropped my cards back down and slid the rest of my stack in. I had about $95. DTP (DreamTeamPoker hat) in seat 2 folded and seat 4 said something about it always being the nuts to the second nuts in this game and called. I wish seat 4 would have kept his mouth shut because seat 7 folded after a long deliberation. Maybe he folded as a result of something seat 4 said. Anyway, seat 4 had 78 for the complete idiot straight and I drug in about $240.

I sat for about 15 minutes and was ready to leave. I decided to play until the blind and then run. But before the blind could make it, I'd find myself in a major conflict with seat two, Mr. DTP. I limped from the middle with AdQd and DTP made it $7 from the cut off. I saw the six way flop keeping in mind that DTP had made many different preflop bets. He'd opened to $7, $12, $17, and other numbers.

The pot was $42 when the flop came down T53 with one diamond. It checked to the third player in the pot and he bet a whole $5. I was next and decided I could part with $5 into $47 with a chance of backing into the nut flush. To my delight, everyone called. I took careful notice of DTP though. When it reached him at $5, he thought about it. He legitimately almost folded and then I could see it on his face, he just couldn't fold for five bucks.

So the turn peeled the 6d giving me the nut diamond draw. The pot was $72 and it checked to the flop bettor. This time he bet $10 and I called. Then the action reached DTP and he said aloud, "Eighty". He reached out and cut out 4 stacks of 4 reds each. I watched as his plan worked, all the way to me at least. Now I decided to take my time and figure out what was going on here. The first thing that seemed obvious to me was the idea that this guy, who, let's not forget, raised preflop, has watched this hand unfold and knows that nobody has anything they want to call $80, or $70 more with. That was pretty obvious to me as well. So the way I saw it, he decided to steal this $92 with a big bet, and I don't really blame him for that. Let's give him an A for effort. But his mistake was trying this in a pot that I'd become involved in. I wasn't ready to give this situation up as readily as the others.

So I thought it over. I considered that he may have flopped a set. But, as action crazy as this guy was, he was not a complete moron. I know that he'd never call $5 on the flop with a small set in a six way pot, he would have certainly raised. He didn't have TT for top set for sure, he would have bet more that $7 preflop, that's 100% the case. I saw the possible straight, but with the rainbow flop, and everyone calling a bet there, he wouldn't be too worried about the backdoor flush. He would have raised a turned straight, but I felt he would have made it $45 or something in that range, so that was out the window. So I made up my mind, the guy had nothing. In my best estimation, he didn't even have a pair. I believed in my assessment with enormous certainty.

Now, the pot had $102 in it including the $10 from three of us on the turn, and then his $70 raise was sitting there. I had precisely $209 in front of me, his $70 plus $139 to raise with. My gut screamed at me and I slid the $209 over the line. The guy didn't flash call so I was immediately relieved of a little pressure. He seemed to be agonizing slightly which obviously had me already patting myself on the back. Then he asked if I wanted a call. I ignored him, pretending to be listening to the headphones wrapped around my ears. Then he spoke up in an attempt to let me hear him. "I'll call you sir!"

Well, I didn't want to hear that. I really thought I had made him fold his weak holding. I sighed as the dealer put the 6h on the river. DTP didn't show immediately so since he called me, I, without a bit of shame, tabled my AdQd. He looked at it and flipped his cards up to show me 9h4h. I lightly tapped the table with my right hand in a subtle "congradulations" to myself and was pushed the $500+ pot with AQ high. I was so dead on. The guy didn't even have a pair. He's raised to $7 preflop with 9h4h. He did have outs, he was open ended on the turn. But he called $139 into $381 thinking he had 8 outs, which was a mistake. If he had 8 outs, the pot needed to be somewhere in the neighborhood of $625 for him to break even long-term. So I slightly misjudged his ability to fold. But, my read being correct, barring AK, I had him anyway so even if he called I made the right play. It turned out though, that he had 10 outs, six non-diamond straight cards, two non-diamond fours and two non-diamond nines. That made him a 3.4-1 dog and even if he new he had 10 outs, he took 2.7-1 on the $139 call. But he called with an open-ender giving himself 8 outs, tsk tsk.

I finished with an uptick of $471 for the day, my biggest day in months. I've had several days over $300 since I came back from Christmas. The biggest contributing factor in this has been the number of hours I spend at it each day. That was part of my problem before, I didn't seem willing to put in 8-12 hours each and every day I played. I started on the third of this month and I've taken one day off since then, playing very full days the other eleven. All I have to do is put in the time and it seems that the money will come. I just can't repeatedly play 2 hours and then quit because I'm up or quit because I'm not in the mood to play. I simply must put in the work. There will be times when quitting will be appropriate, but usually, I need to keep at it.

So I'm up over $1800 for the month now and it's only the 14th. I'm on track to meet my goal of $3K for January but now I'm aiming even higher than that. If things continue to go well, by february I should be jumping in and out of 2-5 games. I plan to take it slow and continue with whats working, but I should be looking at gradually moving up. I'm still buying in for $100 for the moment though. I've really decreased the amount of money I can lose and that's huge for me. Back in April of '07, that became a bigger part of my focus, not losing. I've learned that the wins will come. The big hands will come, the nuts will come, and there will usually be someone there to pay me off. All I have to do is not lose money. Protect what I already have. Winning at poker is easy, not losing is the tough part. I'm pretty tough these days to get money out of.

So that's all for now. I hope to continue to not let myself down and to not let down the few people rooting for me to succeed at this. GL, to me and to you.

I Play Poker

2009-01-09T17:34:00.001-05:00

"Are you ready for the weekend?" asked the bank teller about 30 minutes ago.

To her, I'm sure I looked confused by her polite query. "I don't really pay attention to the days of the week" I told her with a slight smile, "I play poker, so..."

"So this is your night time then."

"I just woke up, so I'm good." I grinned a little bigger, took my deposit receipt, and walked out the front door.

As I walked to the car, I realised that it felt great to say that. I don't say it often. I could have just answered her question with a simple "yes". But I chose to answer honestly as I deposited a portion of my winnings to pay the car payment, the car insurance payment, the electric bill and the internet bill. That felt as good as telling the nice girl that I play poker. It was as if I was letting her know that the $400 cash I was handing over came from my lesser skilled opponents. Ahhhh, sweet freedom.

I have to report that since I arrived back in Vegas from my Christmas break I've done quite well. Quick, find some wood to knock on, QUICK! I flew back last thursday, New Years Day. I slept and then took it easy on friday. I had intended to not play on saturday either but I started itching and I played the sessions from the last post. I haven't stopped since, and I've had some nice days. As of this moment I'm up $1315 from cash games over the six days I've played since my return. I did play that one Sahara tourny on the first night, so that brings my overall total to $1250. In my humble opinion, that's a decent start to the new year. Today is only the 9th and I've already payed the bills plus I have over half the rent. My initial $2K is in a safe place.

Here's a little peak inside my book...

Suffice it to say, I'm killing it. I came back from Christmas break ultra-focused and more determined than ever. I suppose a break now and again is something I need to work into my life. I think that just spending a little time away from poker does good, even if the time away isn't the most pleasant. In this particular case I think I gained determination by being in an uncomfortable situation at home. I wish them all well, but they drove me fucking nuts. I expected a lovely holiday gathering with my closest family and I got non-stop Chaos. But it's over and I'm back baby, pwning.

By the way, the worst day I've had so far saw me unfocused and unattentive. This was wednesday, 1-7. I played AK like a complete douche at Bellagio. For the session I was down $100, but I lost $160 in that hand. Then I went back to PH and though I won $74, I was tilty and frustrated. While I admit that this could all be in my head, that was the one day that I didn't drink a Brain TonIQ before leaving the apartment. I know I sound nuts, but this shit really does relieve "head fog". It would be irresponsible of me not to include the fact that I realised that I'd forgotten the drink while still on Tropicana on my way to play. So I consciously knew I'd forgotten it which could support the argument for those who choose to call "BULLSHIT". But for $2.25 per day, I'm gonna keep drinking it. I'm not saying that I can't function without it, but I am saying that it helps and I'll take that percieved mental edge.

I'm taking time off today, while maybe not the whole day. I decided to hit Starbucks, write this post, and play a little online poker. I needed to pay the bills and such and I need to hit up Fresh & Easy to stock some food items in Casa Del Trooper. I still can't get a system together for taking lunch with me and not eating at the casinos. Peanut butter & jelly worked for a bit but I got sick of it. I wish I didn't have to eat at all.

I'm gonna play a couple SNGs here and chill. I may hit PH for a session later, but then I plan to go see Steel Panther. I didn't put that in just to make some of you jealous... or did I?

I’m in Tokyo
I'm looking for a Ho
Tried to score some blow
But I don’t speak Japanese

Hello 2009

2009-01-04T05:17:00.000-05:00

Well, well, well, the first session of 2009 is behind me. After a coffee and a few minutes online today I decided to go play the 7pm tourny at the Sahara to ease myself back into live action. The buy-in is only $45 for 4K in chips plus an optional $20 add-on for 2K more which can be added anytime in the first hour. I played solid through the first 4 levels and then took my stand in level 5. I limped for 400 with pocket 55 and the button raised to 1200. It folded back to me and I had about 4300 left. I decided to make the call, not just to try and flop a set, but for the chance that I was good anyway. The flop was T94 rainbow and I checked. The button bet an odd amount, 1300. I sat there staring at the guy for about 45 seconds. The longer I took, the more uncomfortable he became. As he shot a glance my way, I had all I needed. I launched my remaining stack and he unhappily called showing me AK, just as I knew. I don't like putting people on AK. Most players put a guy on AK to give themselves an excuse to play their losing hand. But I knew it was what this guy had. But the turn was a King and I walked away feeling pround of number one, my correct read, and number two, my ability to follow through with my read.

I drove away from the Sahara unsure of what I wanted to do next. I hadn't really planned on cash games but Planet Hollywood was calling my name. I headed over there planning to walk in and see how I felt. I was a bit anxious about my first live session since my break because I was affraid a negative result might set a bad tone for the upcoming days, but I went ahead and took a seat.

I bought for my standard $100 and got started right away. I limped Ad9d and the flop came 9 high with two diamonds. A guy bet $5, another guy called, then a guy raised to $15, and well you know what happened to my chips. They got launched. The raiser called all-in for only about $40. He was open ended, he missed and my diamond hit the river.

A few hands later I limped Ah3h. After a few other limpers a guy raised to $10. I called along with two others and the flop came an attractive Ac5h2h to give me top pair with a gutshot straight flush draw. I was first and I checked as did the next two players to put the action on the preflop raiser. He bet $20 and I bet the pot which was $100 (that's three times the $20 to me plus the trailing action which was the $40 pot, in case you don't know how to calculate a pot bet) hoping the guy could fold. The other two folded and the guy called his last $80. I whiffed the shit out of the turn and river missing my fifteen outer and he drug in the pot with AQ.

I reloaded another $100 and a bit later I limped with Ad2d. Once again it got raised, this time to $15. Three guys called the $15 so I decided to take the shot. I had $122 at the start of the hand. The pot was about $75 when the flop hit 689 with two diamonds. The first guy checked and the second bet out $30. Now, I had $107 in my stack. I'm about a 1.9 to 1 dog to make my flush if I see both cards, the turn and the river. This pot was 5 ways and the second guy has bet. If I shove here and only he calls, I'd be getting a little less than proper odds to hit. But being that after me there were 3 players still to act, incuding the preflop raiser, I decided to go for it. In fact the decision was rather easy. But rather than push, I fugured I'd bet a little less than all-in thinking I'd have a better chance of getting more action. In this spot, the more action the better. I raised to $75 leaving $32 behind in my stack. To my great pleasure, the next guy called, the next two folded, and the bettor just called. I obviously wanted them all to call, but we can't have eveything, can we? The turn was my fifth diamond. The guy checked, I went in for $32, the other guy called, and the first guy called. The river was a diamond as well, blah blah blah, send me the $390 pot.

A short while later I cashed out for $370. And while my first cash session of the new year, and since my vacation went great with a $170 win, I walked away with something even bigger and better than that. My read on the guy in the tourny was perfect. I also read the same guy for a reraise when he limped UTG, and he did in fact shove to a raise. While I was in the tourny I felt super focused and confident. In the cash game, I read two guys for the nut straight in pots I wasn't in and was dead on both times. I also read this girl in seat 6, who was the most beautiful poker player I've ever seen by the way, for flopping a set the very second she bet the flop. With every action she took throughout the hand my read of her flopping a set strengthened and at showdown she confirmed that she flopped top set of nines. In case after case after case tonight, I knew what they had. It was like I knew what they all had at some point or another. Before I left for Christmas, my reading abilities were growning in leaps and bounds. But now that I've taken this break and come back, I feel even so much stronger. I'm not trying to brag or kiss my own ass, I'm actually in shock at how strong my reads have gotten. I'm blowing my own mind. I used to not read people well at the table, though I always felt like a good reader of people in life in general. I used to not put anyone on a hand. Ask Duke Stillsucks, I've told him in the past that I don't really put people on hands. But now, it's what I do. My success rate is abnormally high. When I make a read and go with it, I'll say this, in the past 2 months, I'm right about 90% of the time. I don't keep a talley of all the times I've raised knowing the guy was weak, or called knowing I was good, or folded when I sensed I was beat, but it's at least 90%. Of course there have been times when I didn't find out, like when I folded and didn't see. But if I raised or bet or called and we got to showdown, I've been nailing them left and right. I'm not guessing, I know what they have. Let's just hope it continues.

Well, I'm about to cut a teeny tiny watermelon in half and eat it while watching Everybody Loves Raymond. I plan to hit them again tomorrow. I'll start at Planet Hollywood and move from there. I'm gonna try to play 10-12 hours per day this month. I've set a goal, and it's a big one. My goal is to have a six figure bankroll by the end of 2009. That's right, $100K. It may not happen, or maybe it will. GL me.

Home?

2009-01-02T17:11:00.000-05:00

When most people fly into Vegas, they're reaching their vacation destination, or their work or convention destination. There's an excitment that tingles at the first sight of the lights of the valley once the plane crosses over the mountains that surround this oasis. Last night, I flew into Vegas. I was on a Boeing 767 for four hours, and when we crossed those mountains to the east, that tingle got me too. But I wasn't arriving to a vacation, I was arriving home. I do suppose this is home now.

If you've never flown into Vegas at night, I highly recommend it. It's like nothing I've ever seen before. It truly looks like something from a space movie. Remember Star Wars? It's like the Deathstar. One minute you can't tell if you're over land or the ocean because everything's dark. The next minute you're staring in awe at a zillion lights. It looks like pure gold. It looks like the Holy Land.

I hopped of the plane and grabbed my bag at luggage claim. I then took a cab to the MGM where my car had rested for about 13 days. By the time I hit the supermarket for frozen pizza and ice cream and such, got home and showered, I was beat. I could barely hold my eyes open long enough to devour the pizza. I was asleep by 1:00am and as a result was up at 10:00am this morning.

I'm taking it easy today. I strolled the mall and I'm at Starbucks now. I'm gonna play some light poker online, maybe $5.50 27 man SNGs just to chill. Later I may see a movie. But by sunday I'll be relentlessly playing live. Relentlessly. I plan to put in many 10-12 hour days this month. I will probably make myself sick of poker, but it's what it requires, my current state of affairs that is. This is it folks. It's do or die, right now. January will be a big deciding factor in my fate. I'll either do it, or I won't. If I don't, I will have gotten extremely unlucky. I own 80% of the 1-2 players in this town and I plan to bitch slap many over the next four weeks. Gimme all the monies.

On My Way Back to Vegas

2009-01-01T15:36:00.000-05:00

Nice, Charlotte Douglas International airport has free WiFi. Free WiFi is the nuts, or at least the second nuts when the nuts is quads with only a pair on the board. I have an hour before my flight leaves for Atlanta. Then I'll have an hour before boarding my flight on to Vegas. Ouch, I just noticed a hot chick sitting across from me. Well, helloooo there.

Yesterday was the best day of my trip home. Not because it was the last day, but everything was a bit better. I was a little sad to leave, but I'm ready to get back. I'm ready to get to my car at MGM, hit Fresh & Easy for some food items, and get to my apartment.

For now I just started up 2 SNGs whilst I wait to board. Gl me once we get on the plane, gl to us all. Hopefully I see you in Vegas.

Is There a Nurse in the House?

2008-12-30T13:14:00.000-05:00

Good morning peoples. I've just had lunch downtown with Candace and Lisa, it was delicious. As I write this, I'm listening to metal for the first time in about a week. It sounds so good.

They closed my favorite coffee shop in G-vegas, Port City Java. They went out of business and I'm none to happy about it. On the bright side, there's a new spot downtown at the corner of the Hyatt. It's called Liquid Highway. The front is all glass providing a great view of cars and people walking up and down. The coffee is good, and boy do I need it. In fact, can a nurse come over and just hook up an IV? I've been in desperate need of coffee since I got to G-vegas. And can the nurse be hot? And be scantily clad? Tyvm.

Sometimes things just aren't a good as you anticipate. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade the opportunity to come visit my mom. But next time, it won't be for twelve days. I think four days is enough. Ok, let's face it. My mom and sister are driving me absolutely fucking nuts. I wish happiness for them both, and maybe they are happy constantly bickering back and forth. Maybe it's what they're used to. But not me. I live a drama free life. I don't give two shits what my neighbors do or say. I don't allow any level of petty bitching in my life. Of course that's easier for me since I live alone and don't even really have close friends in Vegas. But still, it's how I like it. I mind my own damned business and I don't live drama. I wish that for everyone, but they just won't have it.

So, as much as I love my mom, I've had enough. Please, please, please, get me a nurse and that IV, or get me on a plane fast. It's tuesday now and on thursday I fly away, back to The Meadows. I know it sounds bad, but I can't wait. I'm gonna need two days off when I get back just to recover.

After my two day break I'm gonna work hard. I have many, many hours of poker to play to recover the lost segments of my bankroll. I'm as determined as ever and I have a tight, solid plan to get there. I'm gonna try to get in better shape during the next year as well and I'm gonna begin the search for the elusive Mrs. Trooper. That's right. I think it's time to kick the single life I love and open up to the idea of letting someone in again. It's been awhile, purposely. I had my fill of the pain, but hey, I certainly have my masochistic side.

Ok, for now, it's back to the house. Although I'm ready to get back to the valley, I wanna see my mom as much as possible.

2008, Christmas Past

2008-12-26T14:42:00.000-05:00

I wanna go to the mall. They have coffee there, Starbucks coffee. I have to return an Iron Maiden "The Trooper" t-shirt that doesn't fit me. It wasn't a gift, I bought it myself. I'm going in a few minutes.

Another christmas has come and gone. I don't suppose it matters how I feel about that, it's gone anyway. Christmas will always be what it is. It'll always be about what it's about. But it just isn't the same for me anymore. It has always been my favorite time of year. This year, the days leading up to it were better than the day itself or the eve.

I suppose this year was much better than last. Last year I'd just moved to Vegas and was alone for Christmas. There wasn't a soul around, only the soulless, or at least that's how they appeared to me. At least this year I'm home with family. I'm in the place where I've spent many a merry Christmas. I can think back on those times and feel the Christmas spirit, but it does require great effort, and I really haven't done much of that.

I remember when I was about 7 years old. I remember sitting alone, in a little rocking chair in a dark room in front of the Christmas tree for hours and hours. It was a real tree. The only light was that which was emitted from the tree. I would hum Christmas songs and just stare at the tree. There would be presents underneath, but the tree itself with it shiny glass balls, sparkly garland and stringy icicles was the whole focus of my attention. As the lights blinked, they would reflect in all the shiny materials hanging around them. I remember doing that, but to get into that frame of mind and realise what I would have been thinking then is next to immpossible now. I'm sure, however, that the real story of Christmas was one of the things on my mind.

We didn't have a tree this year. We didn't even have a formal exchanging of gifts. I didn't even wrap the gifts I gave, just left them in the bags from the stores. I removed the price tags at least. I chose not to wrap them in light of the fact that we weren't sitting down to exchange. I simply waited until after dinner and approached the recipients one by one and handed over the bags. It was far from magical, but I couldn't just not give.

It's the day after and Christmas is over. I have five more days in Gvegas. On New Years Day I'll be flying back to Sin City. I'm ready. I love it here, but Christmas just didn't come with its old magic this year. I'm happy to spend time with my mom and family, but I'm ready to get back to work. I have high hopes for poker next year. I have plans to work long, hard hours in January. I have a full year to go before the next Christmas approaches, maybe next year will be different. I'd give alot to have it the way it once was.

Merry Christmas.

Back to the Undergound

2008-12-23T14:02:00.000-05:00

Happy Tuesday. Today's a good day for Christmas shopping. I just had eggs, sausage and biscuits and soon I'll commandeer my mom's car and head out to the mall. I'm looking forward to Starbucks, it's been a couple days.

Sunday night I decided to hit TheDepot with Rhodes. When we got there the game was 9 handed. I took seat 10 and not long after we were down to 6 handed. I played a fairly conservative game for the first couple hours. I picked up KK a couple times and won small pots. I then dwindled a bit and then I made a straight against a guy who check raised the 3 diamond board. Once the third player in the pot folded I called knowing that the raiser didn't even need a straight, let alone a flush, to check raise. He's a horrible player. He had two pair. That pot brought me into the black for the evening.

A bit later I had the rock(a forced, free straddle used by the player who wins the pot containing it) in and the same bad player raised to $21. By the way, the game was 1-3 making the straddle $6 and I started with $200. Seat 8 called the $21 and I called $15 more with 9h8h. The flop was KJ7 with 2 diamonds and the action checked around. The turn brought the Td giving me the small straight and I checked again. The preflop raiser bet $30 and seat 8 raised to $60. What happened next was a combination of gut feeling and the use of my image. I realised that seat 8 was raising the really bad player. That meant that he didn't have to have a monster. I decided to reraise to $100. The bettor folded and then the raiser called $40 more. The river brought a fourth diamond to the board and my gut spoke again. I bet $100. I felt like I'd represented the nut flush very well, not only with my bets but with my physical mannerisms. When the original bettor folded to my reraise on the flop I appeared disappointed. He was THE fish in the game and I know seat 8 picked up on that. After my river bet I just looked at the pot and kept thinking to myself that I wanted a call. I kept saying in my head, "come on, call. I have the Ace of diamonds." Well, it worked. The guy flashed me the Kd for the second nuts. I mucked and drug in the pot.

At the end of the night I cashed out for $440, not a bad welcome home from the underworld of Gvegas. Now it's time for Christmas shopping.

Good to be Home

2008-12-21T19:24:00.000-05:00

Well, so far it's good to be home. I arrived at the house last night about 3:00am. I watched TV for a bit and then slept. Today, I got called by KJ from the BB when I shoved 9 BBs from the button with A4 in the Blogger championship tourny and that was that, and now I'm just being home.

I've just been wandering around the house talking. Talking about Vegas, talking about poker, talking about pure nonsense. It's fun. My mom is cooking chicken-n-dumplings. I've been drinking coffe all day and eating chocolate poker chips I brought from Vegas. I guess my point is that it's fun to be home.

Later I'm going out for a bit. Tomorrow I'm having lunch with Rhodes. At some point soon I'll be getting together with LadyEdwards to see her new apartment and have coffee. I'll also be seeing my friend TheDevil and his new kid. I may have said some of this before but whatever. Weeeeee...

En Route

2008-12-20T17:38:00.000-05:00

Alright, here we go. I'm at Mccarren Intl Airport in front of gate D41. Delta flight DL1798 is about to carry me through the air and drop me off, uhumm, let's rephrase that... and land safely... in Atlanta where I'll make a quick plane change and shoot on over to Charlotte. If all goes according to plan, Rhodes will be there to meet me and take me on to G-vegas.

I love traveling. I love going to the airport and carrying my bags and the whole hustle and bustle of it all, especially during the holidays. I'm happy to be doing it. I'm not crazy about the actual flying, but if that plane is going where I wanna go I better get my ass on it.

So, LadyEdwards, get the PCJ coffee in the maker, Mom, get the turkey in the oven, Rhodes, get the hybrid gassed up, and TheDevil, get your degenerate hat on. Next stop, Alanta, GA.

Hold On, I'm Coming

2008-12-19T16:40:00.000-05:00

WOWOWOW. Tomorrow is the day. I'm going back home to G-vegas for the first time since I left a little over a year ago. As long as the flights are safe, I'll be landing in Charlotte, NC at 11:40pm tomorrow night. If you didn't know this, I'm affraid of flying. I realise that statistically it's the safest way to travel, I understand that. But in real life, it's NOT the safest way to travel. Statistically, I'll never have quad 7's beaten by quad 9's for a $46K jackpot. Well, in real life, that shit happened. Anyway.

For the most part, I made the money I wanted to make before my trip, so all my affairs are in order for a fun, relaxing vacation. I'm sure I'll hit at least one game while I'm home but I don't wanna play too much. On sunday I'll definately be playing in the WBCOOP on Poker Stars. That's the Wolrd Blogger Championship of Online Poker. I won my seat in the PLO8 qualifier the other night. I'm no PLO8 player, but neither was 90% of the field, so, there you go. I actually went out 20th. I lucked my way into a double up early with a boat, then made the clear nut/nut hand in a blind war where I potted every street and the BB called. NH me. I also won a step 3 ticket so maybe I'll run that into something too.

I'm looking forward to seeing TheDevil, DeRail, and whoever else I can get my hands on. There may even be a trip up the mountain in store, after all, it's christmas tradition. "Up the mountain" obv refers to Harrah's in Cherokee, NC. TheDevil and I always go for Christmas, usually on the night of the 25th. I have a free room this year so who knows. At the minimum we'll have a 5 cent/10 cent card game. I plan to burn through no less than 5 buy-ins in that game.

Well, that's it. Rhodes, if you're reading this, don't forget to pick me up in Charlotte at 11:40pm. THAT'S PM!! I don't wanna have to shack up with some hooker in NC for the night, it's Christmas for Christ's sake.

SNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW

2008-12-17T22:44:00.000-05:00

Yikes!! So I woke up at 4pm. I was supposed to wake up earlier, oh how I wish. I got up and spent 15 minutes wandering around, washing my face, brushing my teeth, putting the laptop in the bag, etc. Then I pick up my phone, release it from the charging cord, and began to go through the countless tweets and missed calls. I happened upon a tweet from a Vegas local who's out of town and it mentioned her jealousy of reading snow tweets from Vegas. I said to myself, "It ain't fucking snowing", and walked to the big window in the living room. Upon pulling back the blinds a glorious sight filled my eyes. Everything I saw was as white snow. Well, that's because it was SNOWING! It was really coming down and was all over the ground.

I excitedly grabbed the laptop bag and shot out the door and hopped in the car. Obviously I love the snow, along with grey, cloudy, foggy cold weather. I'm at starbucks now playing a blogger freeroll qualifier on Stars and the view out the front windows is awesome. Thank God for winter. I can't even describe how happy this little storm is making me. It's not supposed to stop for the next ten hours, or so I heard. I also heard that Summerlin, on the west side of town, is supposed to get 10 inches. TEN INCHES! Here is a little taste of what it looks like. Later I'll head to the strip and hopefully get some pictures of this rare event.

click for a lager picture

My view from here

TheTrooper97mobile snowcovered

Scoopage

2008-12-17T04:20:00.000-05:00

Why is watermelon so delicious? Especially the small, personal sized "All Heart Watermelon" that I buy at Fresh & Easy. I just had one.

I headed over to Sunset Station tonight to use a food comp and $10 in free slot play. For the food, I got steak and eggs. It was better than usual there so already the day was going better than yesterday. Yesterday sucked and I lost $345 at Planet Hollywood. After dinner I wandered off into the casino and found the 10-coin nickel Triple Pay Deuces machines and sat down to redeem my free $10. Lo and behold on my very first hand I held one deuce and the bitch dealt me the other three for a $300 hit. That's free money. FREE MONEY!! I invested zero. That was a great start to the night.

So I went over to the poker room and after a short wait I took seat 5 at the only 1-2 game. The game was a bit wild when I first sat. The raise preflop was $20 and there were always callers, plenty of action. I bought in for my standard $100 and I just sat back and waited. To keep the story short, I limped with 33 and the flop came J83. There were seven players and a guy before me bet $20. As the next guy was deciding to fold, I noticed that the asian lady on my left was ready to call. I also knew that the bettor loved his hand and wasn't folding so I tried to pick a number that the lady would still call. I made it $45 and she insta-called. The bettor shoved all in for a $103 and I insta shoved for $113 total. The asian lady thought but said the pot was to big and called. He had AJ and she had KJ, suckers. I scooped a triple up and cashed out 20 minutes later with $320.

Not a bad night. I sent out a tweet last night that said I needed to make $700 between then and friday in order to relax and enjoy my trip home. Well, tonight I snatched $500 of that. It felt great. I considered going on down to the strip and starting another session but it was almost midnight and I figured that going home with a full $500 in profit would be too good for morale to risk losing any.

Tomorrow I'll be doing a few things to prepare for my trip. I'm not sure I'll play. If I do, it'll be later as at 7pm I'm gonna play another qualifier for the blogger tourny on Poker Stars. We shall see. For now, I'm gonna follow that watermelon with a couple slices of pizza from last night.

Good night world.

I Don't Belong Here

2008-12-16T08:23:00.001-05:00

Well, here we are again. Another attempt to go to bed early has been foiled by random bullshit. Tonight it wasn't Wikipedia. I wasn't reading up on, well, you name it, everything from A-Z. Sometimes I read about fruits and vegetables or other foods or random shit from history such as World War II or, wow, what do I spend hours reading about on there? No, tonight I decided to Thumb through my high school yearbooks. I started with my senior year and then went through the freshman year. The only good thing about those books are the comments written in the front and back by my fellow students and friends. Let's just say I was well liked. As far as the rest of that shit... VOMIT! I wouldn't go back to high school for anything. I fucking hated it. Just thinking about the inside of that building gives me the major willies.

I guess that wouldn't be too hard to guess, that I hated high school. I mean look at me now. I'm playing poker for a living, and that says it all. I'm not the type who likes to be told what to do. I didn't let them in school and I don't let them now. Maybe I should have, but I didn't. I've paid the price throughout life thus far, but it ain't over yet my friends. I still have time to show them, and I will.

Back in those days, I spent most of my time wishing I was someplace else. If I was in class, all I wanted to do was get out. If I was at my grandmother's house, where I stayed during the week so I could attend the school that I wanted, I wished I was at my mom and stepdad's house dowtown. And on the weekends, when I was there, I wished I was anywhere else. I remember feeling especially lonely during the tenth grade. I remember the weekends. I sat in my room with the closet light on and listened to Metallica or Iron Maiden's "Seventh Son of a Seventh Son" album. To this day that's my favorite Maiden CD. I also have a strong memory of "Hazy Shade of winter" performed by The Bangles. I know it sounds silly, but I see it like it was yesterday. There I'd be, sitting in my weekend room, playing with a tiny skateboard with my fingers and listening.

Of course there's more to the story. That year, I'd fallen in love with a girl who was new to our school. She was in my french class and I tried everything to impress her. We became friends, and she broke my heart before I ever had a chance to give it to her. I actually eavesdropped via a three-way call that my friend and I set up. She didn't know I was listening and lets just say she was hurtful. I really believe that to this day, what I heard in that phone conversation still scars me.

Well eventually, this girl fell in love with me too. We spent lots of time together and when I wasn't with her, I wished I was. And when I was with her, I still felt like there was some place else I was supposed to be. She was my girlfriend all the way through until the end of our senior year. We continued to see each other for a few months even after breaking up. But then she was gone forever.

I don't know what the hell I'm talking about here. I guess memories just stirred themselves up as I looked through the yearbooks and now I'm rambling. The main feeling that seems to be the underlying theme of my memories, especially of my highschool years was that I didn't belong. It's the weirdest thing. I can remember many years ago telling people that I felt like something happened when my soul entered my body, that a mistake had occured. I've always felt this way. I'm pretty sure some wires in the universe got crossed at the moment of my conception. Who knows. But I still feel this way today.

Apparently, I was depressed during my high school years. There are obvious reasons why this could have been which I won't go into at this moment. I'm sure that they are the same reasons I didn't excell as I should have in school. I'm sure they are the same reasons I failed with the girl. Perhaps I shouldn't open my yearbooks anymore.

It's 5:55am, tuesday, December 16th, 2008. I'm sitting in the dark on my bed in my apartment in Las Vegas, NV, 2100 miles from the place where I was born. I don't know who I am. I don't know where I belong. I am alone. 105 hours from now I'll be at Mccarren International airport. I'll board a flight that will ultimately take me to Charlotte, North Carolina where my friend Rhodes will pick me up and deliver me to my mom's house in Gvegas. I'll spend 12 nights there and I'll be sleeping in the very room that was mine way back then. I haven't been home for a little over a year and I'm excited to see my mom and my stepdad and maybe even my sister. And though I'm anxious to get there, I know that while I'm there I'll feel lonely and that maybe I'm not where I belong. I wish I had the cure for this, but I do not.

The Right Thing, If Delayed

2008-12-10T08:52:00.001-05:00

Fucking Orbitz.com. This post was gonna start with what a great mood I'm in. Well, that was an hour ago and now I've been trying to book a flight home on Orbitz and just as I hit the button to purchase a ticket at a great fare, it tells me that the fare has changed. Bitch bastards. Now the best flight I can find will have me needing a ride to Charlotte at 4:00 am for my return and I don't wanna commit my mom to such without consulting with her first. Fuck it, I'll try again tomorrow.

Ok, I feel better. I had a good day at the tables. I won a little at Planet hollywood but the game sucked. We were 6 handed and there were three stacks around $50, so I left. After that I went over to Harrah's to use a $50 food credit I received in the mail and I have to tell you, Oyster Bar at Penazzi is awesome. I'm not big into seafood but I had fried Tiger Prawns and they were enormous and delicious. I then had a ribeye and it was great too. The service was also excellent which seems to be hard to find in Vegas.

Next I went downtown and hit Binion's. I played for about an hour and doubled my $100 buy in so I headed over to the Golden Nugget to try and double another. But on the way I walked by a slot machine and beside it were two pages of coupons that had been discarded. I only noticed because I saw the matchplay coupon first. I picked them up and tore off the two $10 matchplays and headed on over to the Nugget.

The Nugget was ok, but uneventful. My game got short and I was up $40 when I decided to call it a night. Of course, on my way back to the car I stopped at a blackjack table at binion's to use one of the matchplays. It took forever for the old lady to shuffle and change my $10 bill into chips and when I was finally dealt an 18, she had an 18 as well. She immediately grabbed the matchplay and I stopped her. I told her that it said on the back that it had to be a win or a lose, not a push. She checked with the pit boss and I was confirmed. So I left it there with the $10 and on my second hand I was dealt blackjack. Send the $25. I walked to the cage and then to the car. All in all it was a good day, upticking my pocket to the tune of about $200.

On an interesting side note, something off the wall happened to me monday night at Fresh & Easy. See, they only have self checkout there. There are three that are large with a belt to carry items to a bagging area after you scan them, and there are 5 that are smaller, the bagging area directly next to the scanner. I chose a smaller one and scanned my items to the tune of $26 and a few cents. I then proceeded to slide a $20 bill into the bill acceptor, followed by a $10 bill. Then, when I went to pluck my three $1 bills from the change tray, I noticed that there were no $1 bills, but instead, three $10 bills. Nice. Well, I did exactly what you'd expect me to do, I told the guy wandering around the registers and he called a manager over. I showed her the deal and she opened the machine to reveal that the $10 bill container was filled with $1 bills and vice versa. I handed her the $30 and she gave me $3 and thanked me for my honesty. Just another one of many opportunities I've had to get away with stealing money, that I've obviously turned down.

But there is a troubling side to this story. I hate to say this, but I didn't call the guy over immediately. I picked up the $30 and stared at it. I asked myself what to do. I asked myself if I wanted to fuck over Fresh & Easy. Of course I answered the questions correctly, but I asked them. Rememeber the story of the 70 year old lady who gave me five $5 bills for $15 in ones? Without even thinking for a second I gave her $10 back. And that's the way it's always been for me. But this time, I stopped to consider my options. Now, I truly believe that I'll never take the $30 in that type of situation. But I felt guilty for thinking about it. Should I? Did I do a bad thing by taking a second to consider my options before I chose the right thing? It only took about 10 seconds, but it was time nonetheless. Perhaps I was tired or something. I'm not tortured by this by any means, just thinking about it. I don't ever want to change. I don't want to be a dishonest person. And not because of consequences, I genuinely desire to do the right thing.

Speaking of the right and wrong, and this is off on a tangent, but a guy walked up to a craps table at the Golden Nugget the other night and snatched a bunch of chips from the rail and took off running. He actually ran inward and cut a left, running by the front hotel desk and out the door to where the cabs are. He was smart not to run out onto Fremont St. A guy at my table at Binion's that night saw the guy running. I wonder if he ever got caught? Crazy people.

Growing delerious. Sleep time. Oatmeal cookies and milk first. No wonder I'm getting fat. Eyes burning, but will watch Everybody Love's Raymond with cookies. Falling fast. Good night world, even though the Sun is up. Zzzzzzz......